Morgan

Chapter Thirty Five - Loving me, first

Since I was a teenager I had placed my heart in a position that it could be taken, because holding it out there I hoped like most that it would be taken and loved by someone, perhaps forever, naively, and of course it wasn't. This is life, love doesn't last, not all the time. Adults can have several long term relationships that involve deep love, but don't last. I had learned over my years that this is the rare thing nobody realises when they start out with a fresh and hopeful heart in their hands, that it is rare to find love that goes a distance, and that is forever. That kind of love is not around every corner or in every promise a lover makes to you. A person can say forever and mean it, but it's rarely ever the reality when years pass and feelings fade.

What I wish my teenage self knew, was that I should take my heart and place it back where it belonged, inside of me, because it was mine and it belonged to me. My heart should beat for me and only me, and if someone did come along one day I would offer it to share, if I felt like I wanted too, and they deserved it. It should be shared though, not given wholly. I should have always kept a little back for me, because one must love themselves above all else and put just as much thought and care they give partners to themselves. You should be kind, and nurture your own heart, let your soul be peaceful in solitude as it is in love, so that when it is lost, you still have your great love with you, and you always will, because it should be, you!

I of course shared my heart with my three children and they all had a piece of me, but that was nature, to have your children beat like your heart outside of your body. I was grateful for that love in my life, the pure kind, your family, and your children. Love that would stay.

What I had been learning in therapy had been instrumental to my mind calming, my anxiety lessening and my heart beginning to feel less heavy, less fraught. I knew what happened with Annie wasn't my fault now. I could see it was her and her alone that made the decisions to hurt me, to strike me, and to torture me slowly. Nothing I nor anyone could ever do in life should make someone you love hurt you physically and mentally. It was abuse. I was unlearning my own behaviour of feeling like I had encouraged or made it happen, behaviour an abuser will enforce over time, gas lighting you until you believe you are the one who is insane or has caused the issue.

Unpicking learnt behaviour was hard, but I did not intend to take it with me when I moved on into my next relationship, with Leah.

***

Sam walks into the coffee shop that we had made plans to meet at. I am already sat and waiting, trying to remind myself that it's not mean to let someone down, its a necessity sometimes, and this was one of those times. I had enjoyed getting to know Sam briefly, and she had been fun, kind and honestly a wonderful distraction. If I had never learnt the truth about Leah and Annie, if it had gone on even a few months longer, I think Sam would have eventually encouraged me into dating. I probably would have been happy, but Leah would have been there in the back of my mind, because there was something about her, something special, an undeniable spark that you didn't get with just anybody.

"Well hello" Sam greets, smiling broadly, and she slips into the seat opposite.

I slide over her coffee i had picked up. She looks flattered that I had remembered her coffee preference "I feel like I've not seen you in weeks" she says.

I feel a flutter of nervousness in my belly because I know I have to let her down, and I see the affection that has already taken root for her, and it wasn't one sided. I had started to like her too.

"Missed me huh" I joke.

She smiles "a little"

I sit up a little straighter, and she witnesses my body language completely morph in front of her.