Morgan

Chapter Thirty One - A flicker

Annie brought the kids home the Sunday night, she had called an hour before asking which take out I wanted as they would pick it up en route. They went with pizza. I was happy not to cook. It was the first time I had seen Annie since the Christmas break ended. She had picked the kids up from school on the Friday so I hadn't even seen her then, which felt strange. I can't explain enough how releasing habits, memories, feelings and an entire person feels when your divorcing, or when your letting go of a relationship over a decade long. It's almost like letting go of yourself, to let go of them, an old version that ceases to exist without your ex, the version you were with them. It's mostly a positive thing that you do let go, since you never worked out, clearly you were not the best versions of yourself together or you would most probably still be in it together.

"Hey Morg" Annie says passing me into the kitchen with two pizza boxes in hand.

"Hey" I greet, surprised at her casual manner. I was still finding the divorce papers hard to accept like any moment the other shoe would drop and she would take it all away, but the papers were due to be official and our divorce too, next month. I had the date in my diary and on my calendar, not because I looked forward to being divorced, no it was just the date that I started again, and it was good to know it, to let it sink in and feel it out, mentally and emotionally. I think if I had still been with Leah, the impending divorce would have seemed more exciting. I would have been one hundred percent free for her, but without Leah it meant a lot less. I was free, but for what?! To be alone for eternity. I just didn't feel much at all right now, or should I say I felt too much and had numbed to it, letting the dark consume me instead, and not allowing myself time to truly get over it. I instead blocked it out with casual sex and keeping busy.

"Hey my loves" I greet, kissing the kids as they each walked by. Gage stopped to cuddle me as I leant down and kissed his forehead "how was the weekend" I ask, as we walk into the kitchen where Annie had laid out the plates and the pizzas.

"Really good mom... mommy's apartment is great. I have a dinosaur bed" he says excitedly.

I smile. "Sounds lovely"

I take a seat amongst the kids with Annie taking her seat opposite me, like the old days.

"Did you have a nice quiet weekend" Annie asks.

I take a bite of the plain cheese pizza
"I went out with a friend from work and Lydia... well Blake too in the end" I say thinking to him and wondering if he was still with Mia at hers.

"And what did you do" she asks.

I almost choke on my mouthful.

"Mommy can we take the pizza and watch that music awards show on the TV" Jamie asks.

Asher looks hopeful "sure if mom doesn't mind" she says gesturing to me.

I shake my head "I don't mind... go ahead" and they all scatter towards the family room leaving Annie and I alone to eat dinner.

She cocks an eyebrow, her eyes studying me "so what did you do" she asks me again.

"If you would like to know the truth" I ask.

She nods "I would like us to be honest" she says "moving forward...so that we can do this all amicably for the kids" she adds.

"I was out looking for someone to take my mind off of Leah" I reveal honestly. To be honest this was my test for Annie, to see her true reaction to it, and to know where we stood.

She nods slow "Did it work" she asks.

I am surprised that was her response. "Kind of... it doesn't last long" I reveal honestly "I really liked her... Leah, and so it hurts... it hurts a lot... and I know that must hurt you to hear and I'm sorry"