Shy

Kit

I walk into the orchestra practice hall with a spring in my step, excited to play the piece that we've been practicing for weeks. The rehearsal Clara and I had today freaked me out, but also made me realise that I'm ready to perform this piece.

I freeze as I take in the new layout of the room. Brian has moved the piano into the centre of the room and has positioned it directly opposite the first violins.

I breathe in shakily, my hands clenching as my eyes dart around the room. I can't do this. I can't do it. My eyes zero in on the door and I want to leave so badly but I can't. I'm frozen in place.

I close my eyes and storm out of the room, hiding just out of sight in the corridor as my hands press against my racing heart.

I can't do this.

I shake my head, taking another deep breath as I try to keep calm. I settle down after a few minutes and crouch down, my fingers clutching at my hair. I want to play this for her, I want more with her and everything I've done these past months have been for her, for this opportunity.

I sigh heavily, knowing that this would bite me in the arse eventually. What would I say to her, what do you say to your soulmate that you've been hiding from for the past 4 years?

I shake my head. I'll come to that when it happens.

This song is for us, I know it like the back of my hand and if there were any time to communicate to her that we're meant to be together then it's now.

I stand up like a baby deer taking it's first steps and take a few deep breaths. I run my hands through my hair a couple of times, straighten my shirt and walk into the practice hall. It's too late now to wish I had worn a nicer shirt, or to wish that I had made some earthly effort with my hair.

I keep my eyes on the floor, walking slowly to the piano and take my place. I don't have to wait long, it seems everyone was waiting for me and as soon as I'm sat down everyone settles.

Brian gives me a nod, and I return it, waiting for his instruction. He indicates for me to start and I nod again. This is it. Will all that I am be enough for her?

I take a deep breath, my fingers lightly dancing over the keys as I gently press down, the way I have a thousand times previous as I start the piece as softly as possible. It's just me, playing alone but I know it won't be like this for long. The song picks up pace and I follow it, body and soul.

She's stood right in front of me, dazzling as ever, and I know that as soon as I look up she'll know, just as I have known for all this time.

Everyone's eyes are on me and for once I don't mind.

The 2nd violins quietly join me, and I know that very soon I'll fade into the background, nothing more than a steady beating heart. The melody is still so gentle, so alluring. The music builds and builds and I finally fall back as the 1st violins join in.

I tentatively look up, watching her take the lead as she soars up and beyond my baseline melody, moving so beautifully I can hardly stand to watch. This is how it has always been, watching her soar as I stay firmly on the ground but I no longer think it's a bad thing.

I am right there with her, keeping her grounded, giving her something to hold onto as she rises and falls like the tide.

The other violins support her beautifully and I smile, so absolutely captivated by her.

Her piece comes to a sudden pause and our eyes meet.

In that moment, I feel a completeness I haven't felt in years.

I'm now playing all alone again, the softest of touches a stark comparison to the chaotic beauty of the music just seconds ago. I don't look away, I can't. In her eyes I see it all, everything I'll ever need or want and I smile softly.

She picks up her bow and joins me. It's only the two of us playing now, and it feels as though everyone else has disappeared. Our efforts intertwine to form an achingly sweet ending as I press the final key.

Everything is silent.

She lowers her bow slowly, her eyes never leaving mine. I try and read her expression, my eyes taking in every detail of her soft face.

Her eyes trail over my features, as if she's taking in my appearance for the first time. She breaks the eye contact first, looking down to put away her violin. She then picks up her bags, turns away and walks out of the room.

She never looks back.