The Gray Dancer

ENDNOTE

a little thank you note & extra facts & an explanation

thank you note

first of all, thank you so much for reading this and making it this far. im so happy that all of you read until the very end and it means the entire world for me. im so grateful that you stuck around even though maybe this book got boring in the middle.

this is my first book and it ended up being over 140k words. i literally don't know how it got so long. i was expecting it to be no more than 70k words maybe 30 chapters but it looked like this book had other plans for me, reaching over double the length that i had envisioned. 

i really hope that you enjoyed reading hanna's story. her story isn't over and neither is yours. i hope that this book gave you the strength you needed and made you feel all sort of emotions. i hope it inspires you to keep going just like hanna did. 

quick disclaimer before anyone says that i was romanticizing depression or anxiety or anything of that sort. i was not. this story is a very personal story to me. hanna's, derrick's, and jackson's personalities were all loosely inspired by my own. the things hanna felt on certain occasions (the feeling of not being good enough etc) are feelings that i have felt before. 

i did not want to romanticize anything. i only wanted to share hanna's journey as plain and heartbreaking as it was. she had ups and downs the same way i had ups and downs. the story is meant to be one of personal growth. 

i cant express my thanks enough for all of you so thank you once again.

thank you for giving the gray dancer a try.

explanation

throughout the story there were three main characters: derrick, hanna, and jackson. all three of their personalities form what i think is a part of everyone.

hanna represents the insecurity that we all face. she represents the sadness and the struggles in our every day lives. throughout the story she is portrayed as someone that has many struggles, an introvert with a hard time, unable to believe in herself and fight her struggles. she's seen as someone with depression, finding it so hard to make it past each and every day until she meets derrick. 

derrick represents the mask we all wear. he represents the face we wear to work and to school, hiding your real internal self from the people around you. he represents the moments where you might have said "im fine" even though your feeling horrible inside. derrick was always portrayed as someone perfect to hanna, the same way i sometimes used to portray myself. he's always seen as someone who wears a smile the same way most of us keep smiling even when we're crying inside. it isn't until hanna really knows him does she know that he's suffering from his own far share of struggles the same way she is. its only then does she understand that he too wears a mask to hide himself. 

jackson represents the confidence that we all have deep within us. he represents the strength we have inside. jackson didn't appear much in the story, largely being a part of hanna's past (the time where she was much more confident of herself). whenever jackson does appear though (whether it be imaginary or not) he showcases his confidence for example, flaunting his looks. jackson also picks out outfits for hanna that she wouldn't wear out on her own, trying to make her more confident. 

the ending of the book can be taken two ways, but i only intended it to be taken one way. hanna meeting jackson again symbolizes that she truly has begun to love herself and she has found confidence (jackson) again. it also symbolizes that he never really broke her promise and that sometimes people dont make break promises. 

little facts

derrick was always supposed to die, from the very beginning it was hinted on a couple occasions. yes, hanna learned to love herself with derrick, but at the same time she began to only use him as validation to love herself. she began to feel that if derrick loved her she could love herself, sort of using him as crutches. but because he was "crutches" hanna wouldn't be able to walk without leaving those "crutches" aside and thus, derrick had to die for hanna to truly learn what it meant to love herself from within

i also wanted to show that you don't need to be in a relationship for things to happen. hanna never needed to officially date derrick to learn how to love herself. she slowly learned just being by his side as friends. similarily, i wanted to point out that sometimes a relationship may not last (in this case derrick died) but its effects can be long lasting and good things can come out of it (hanna loving herself slowly).

it was also hinted that he had his own struggles on a multitude of occasions that he was hiding a life full of pain behind his smile. this can be seen when hanna mentions that she hasn't seen derrick have any other emotion than smile.

the purple flowers (i forgot the exact name) are the flowers that symbolize mental well being. (really small but so meaningful imo)

all throughout the story there are little things like this sprinkled everywhere. i hope soon i will add more to this for all of you to see, but do some discovering yourself and comment some things that you noticed!

conclusion

once again, thank you all for reading i literally can't believe this end note is at 1k words, the length of my english essays lol. i will be taking a short break from wattpad for a bit before i start working on my next story (maybe like 2-5 months). ill still be on of course, but i won start officially publishing my next book until much later. im quite busy with school and finals so i just dont have much time to dedicate to a well written book (though i do have an idea)

thank you for reading the gray dancer

el fin.