The Gray Dancer

25. EMPTINESS

HANNA DIDN'T GO TO THE STUDIO YESTERDAY. For some reason, she couldn't put her mind to it. She couldn't bring herself to visit the studio after work. Even though she wanted to see Derrick eagerly, she couldn't stand the thought of facing him after lashing out at him the other day. Hanna didn't know how to meet him after the things she had said. She didn't know what to say to him.

Hanna's eyes fell. She didn't even call him to notify him. Even yesterday, she had only texted him that she couldn't make it to the studio. Maybe it was because she knew it was her fault she couldn't contact him?

Hanna winced, remembering the events of that day. She recollected them having fun. Hanna remembered her bright smile and the sheer joy that trickled within her as they got a meal together and escaped into the closed park.

She hadn't done anything like that before. She wouldn't forget that day. It would be a memory she would hold onto forever, trespassing into a closed park to watch the stars at midnight. Even if she wanted to forget the memory, she couldn't. It was the first time she really felt free without alcohol.

If only she could have stayed happy the entire time. But just like everything else, a slight tingle of joy meant something far worse would come her way. Hanna regretted speaking that night. If she didn't utter a single word, maybe things wouldn't be like this. Hanna would have been fine to see Derrick, and their lives would have gone on as they always did. Instead, her few words ruined everything. She never had a problem keeping quiet before. So why did she have to speak?

Hanna wished she could redo so many things. She wanted to turn back time and fix everything she had done wrong in the past. If she could, maybe then life would be a whole lot better. Maybe she wouldn't have ended up like this. She wouldn't have been a disappointment to everyone around her.

Hanna had been wasting time in her apartment for a while, sitting on her favorite rocking chair. She rocked back and forth as her thoughts did the same. Her thoughts never settled down. They wanted to buzz around, wreaking havoc. Hanna allowed them, too, feeding more fuel to the fire as she continued to recollect things she did wrong.

Hanna didn't know how she would go to the studio. She had gotten angry at Derrick for simply expressing himself.

So, Hanna continued to let time pass by rocking in the chair. She didn't mind letting the seconds turn into minutes. By now, Hanna realized that she needed to head out, but she didn't want to.

It wasn't that Hanna wasn't ready to go to the studio; instead, she was still afraid to see Derrick.

Her eyes drifted to the large clock in the center of her living room, ticking as time passed. More than enough time had passed since she had got home. She should have been at the studio by now, but she didn't know what to do.

It wasn't like she could compete without practicing. Hanna wasn't good enough as is. She made way too many mistakes already. She needed all the practice she could to become anywhere near Derrick's level. If she skipped practice for another day, wouldn't she only make more?

Hanna sighed, staring at the clock for a bit longer. She watched as the arms inched around the clock with each tick. The clock seemed to bring her into a daze, so surreal as the ticks echoed within her apartment. Hanna didn't want to leave the peace she felt in her apartment.

But she had to.

Hanna had no choice but to go to the studio.

She got up from the rocking chair, lifting up her small crossbody from the table. Hanna threw it over her shoulder with a reluctant frown. Despite being disinterested in leaving the comfort of her apartment, Hanna had no choice but to.