Never Bend

Chapter 9 : He and I

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My heart beats a new beat
for the first time.
Is that you?
MJ1
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I look at my wristwatch, it's already lunchtime.

I sigh. His car is the only one in the parking lot. The forest calls for me from the end as we walk. The wind knocks the leaves from the branches, reminding that autumn is approaching. I love fall with its shades of red. It's my favourite season. Everything is so colourful, the world once monochrome becomes a piece of art. Today's arts seem like the most beautiful thing. Mesmerizing.

Just like that yellowing leaf, I wonder what my true colours are. What are my passions and desires? Who am I besides the big sister? At the very least I know I can be assertive and I speak my mind. Which proves to be new. For a long time, I had no voice. Words couldn't make it out. Now, I was growing wild and often felt overwhelmed.

We got in the car, the books over my knees, I am lost in my thoughts, as He makes a couple of calls. Obviously, feeding me wasn't his top priority, but I was too self absorbed to care. I lock my seatbelt.

Meanwhile my mind drifts to my family...

Memories of the happy days with Mom loving us filled my mind. She used to be caring.
My heart twists.
Was Richard the reason she turned in such a cold shell of herself?
Breathe, No crying!!
The cold window refreshes my forehead.

He exits the parking lot, reminding me we are to eat, but I am not hungry anymore. I know what hunger means. In the past few months, Mom worked so much sometimes she forgot to buy groceries or that we existed at all. It wasn't odd at the beginning, until it was.

In April this year, she didn't come home for the first time. When did she lost interest in us? Was it overtime or Richard's fault? Sasha, my landlord, was our saviour. Once, after four days, Mom returned with an attitude she rarely lost.

She became herself again after a month, but the change happened again a few times again until my loving mother was no more. That heartless woman fully replaced her.

The teardrop that escapes my eyes feels like it's burning its way down my cheek, mocking my efforts at self-control.

I close my eyes and recoil in my seat, closing my eyes and digging my nails into my folded arms. Somehow it helps me. This wasn't the first time.  A nail curls in an oddly shaped sending a wave of pain. Hurriedly, I twist it back with my teeth.

The car comes to a stop while I dry the remaining tears. Tom makes a pause waiting for me to come out. Finally making my way out, Tom walks forward and I follow until I am pulled backwards, stumbling and making contact to a hard chest. The shiny surface in front of me and the man with a sorry expression behind pass close to my face. Tom's arm is embracing my shoulders, making me walk a few steps back. My heart's drumming takes a quicker beat. 

With his arm over my shoulders, he guides me in and into a chair. He clears his throat, shame is still written over my face.

"All this must be hard for you. I mean, being away from your family." He stalls for a second, taking his hand to the back of his head. "I don't have a family. My only family is my dad, and he never seeks for me so." He takes a gulp of water. Avoiding to go any further on the subject. "Anyway, I made a family on my own instead."

Steadily looking at him, his facade breaks for a split second, he seems hurt, but was too proud to admit it. His stoic face reminds me of myself in complicated situations over the past few months, years even. I know that feeling so well. Pretend to survive. Something stirs inside, but I fight through the despair in my heart.