Difficult Times (Jemily)

Chapter 33

(Trigger warning: self harm)
JJ's POV:

The day went on as normal. Emily got me lunch just like she said she would. She ate in here with me while I did paperwork. I told her I would eat soon and that I just needed to get this done, that was a lie. My food went straight into the garbage just like usual. A little later Emily came back to see if I ate and she was surprise went the food wasn't still sitting on my desk. She smiled for a second and then walked away.

Everything was normal. Something still felt weird. I don't know if it's just having Emily back but something feels different or not right. Is it just me?
It probably is. I'll probably just forgot about it tomorrow.

I finished my reports around 6:30 and Emily waited in my office while I did the last one. We said goodbye to the team and walked out together. We drove in silence, comfortable silence though. Emily looked like she had something on her mind the entire time but she never said a word. So I asked when we were a couple minutes from my apartment.

"What's on your mind?" I ask

"Huh? Oh nothing just thinking"

"About what?"

"Just work" she says

"Just work? Really. I can tell that's not the truth"

"Really it's nothing"

"If it's nothing then just tell me" I say

"JJ just drop it, it's nothing. It's just the report I was doing was not a good one, so I'm still thinking about it" I still know she isn't telling me the truth but I decide not to push.

When we get 'home' we both go our separate ways. I go to the bedroom to change into pjs and Emily goes to the living and turns on the tv. I can hear the news on in the background. I wish it wasn't so damn hot in here but I still can't wear shorts around her. I decide on the normal long pj bottoms and a long sleeve shirt. I have, let's just say 'a few' (more like 21) new cuts and I don't want her to see them. I haven't done it since she got here, but god I want to. I want to see the blood again and the release it gives me that she couldn't even imagine. I really want to talk to her about it but she will just yell and call me stupid for wanting to do it again. I know last time she didn't tell me to stop and she told me to just talk to her if I wanted to do it again but that was months ago. And our relationship has changed a lot in those months and I don't know if I trust her. I want to but I don't know if I can. I should get her clothes to sleep in. I find her some pajamas she would like and I put them on her side of the bed.

I walk back out into the main area and Emily is in the same spot. "I put your clothes on the bed, so you can change whenever you want"

"Okay, thank you" she says looking directly at the tv.

"I'm going to take a shower, you can take one after if you want"

"Alright I will" she looks back and gives me a sad smile.

I turn around and head to the bathroom. I quickly undress and I don't even look in the mirror. I can't stand to see myself so instead I stare at the ground. I hop in the shower not long after. While I'm shampooing my hair I look down and see my razor sitting there. I can't take my eyes off of it.

"Stop it. We can't. Not today. Emily's here" I whisper to myself

I don't even remember taking apart the razor. One second I'm washing the shampoo out of my hair, next I'm hold a single blade from my razor. I don't do anything I just stare at it. I don't know how long I've been in here but it feels like forever.

I should just get this over with. I can't stop myself. I look at my thigh and I still see all the cuts I made on them earlier this week. "Just one more, then I'll be done for good" I tell myself quietly.