Difficult Times (Jemily)

Chapter 4

(Trigger warning self harm)
JJ's POV:
I was sitting on the couch watching tv. It was now 10pm. Thankfully I was still alone I haven't heard anything from Will since last night. My body still ached from what he did to me. I went to the bathroom to remove all the makeup I was wearing, I didn't feel like doing it when I first got home. I took it all off and just stared at myself in the mirror, I hated everything I saw. The bruises, cuts, and scars make me look weak. I'm a damn FBI agent I should be able to handle myself but instead I keep letting him hurt me. I know I should have done something but he said he would hurt Emily and I can't let that happen. I love her to much and I couldn't see her get hurt because of me. So instead I will keep taking his abuse until it kills me, rather me than Emily.

I went back into my bedroom. I sat there staring at the ceiling, the memories of what he did to me just rushed back into my head. I tried to not think about it but I couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him on top of me all over again. There was only one thing I could do, there was only 1 way I knew how to cope with things. Self harm. I've done it in the past, and it seemed to help. I needed to make this mental pain I feel turn into physical pain because mental pain doesn't count. I went back to the bathroom and grabbed my razor. I broke it so the blade would fall out. I tried to bring myself not to because I've been a few months clean and I've been trying really hard not to. But I needed to feel something. So I took the blade and set it on my thigh and I pushed down as hard as I could, and I kept doing it until there was blood falling down my leg, and I did it to my other leg, and then my left arm. I cut probably 50 times altogether, and they were quite deep. Not enough to kill me, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just needed to feel again. I sat in my bathtub as the blood went down the drain. My legs were covered in cuts, as well as my left arm. I knew I was going to have to call in sick tomorrow because I can barely stand. I never called in sick but I needed to. I'll just say I have a stomach bug so I can have a few days off. I will text Hotch soon as I can get up.

After 20 minutes of sitting in the bathtub I finally stood up. The bleeding stopped. I stared in the mirror to see what I've done to myself. I still hated myself. I thought doing this would make me feel better but it didn't. I still feel empty. I walked into my room and used my phone to text Hotch.

JJ: Hey Hotch I need a few days off, I think I have a stomach bug and I can't come into work, I'm so sorry.

I waited for him to text me back, granted it was late but I figured he would still be awake. After a couple minutes I heard my phone go off.

Hotch: Of course you can have a few days off, I hope you feel better soon. If there is anything you need don't hesitate to text me.

JJ: Thank you Hotch.

Okay I'm good. I'll have a few days to myself. And I'll try to get my shit together before I have to go back to work. I figured I should text Emily and let her know so that she doesn't worry about me missing work.

JJ: Hey Em I just wanted to let you know that I wont be at work for a few days, I have a bad stomach bug so I can't be there.

Emily: Oh you poor thing, do you want me to come over, I have nothing better do to and I want to make sure you're okay?

JJ: No you don't need to come over, I'll be fine when this passes.

Emily: Oh ok, if you say so. Have a good night JJ.

JJ: You to Em.

I really hate lying to Emily and I really don't mean to seem like a bitch, but she can't come over not now, not when I'm like this. I don't mean to hurt her but I can take care of myself. I want to tell her everything but it's better this way. I need to protect her.

Emily's POV:
I talked to JJ and she said she doesn't feel good. I really want to help her but she told me not to come over. I'm kinda worried about her but she says it's just a stomach bug and plus she has Will. He will take care of her. Maybe tomorrow I'll go over there and bring her some soup and help her out a bit if she needs it. Hopefully she will be better soon.

A/N
If anyone reading this struggles with self harm, I'm always here if you want to talk to me. No judgement or anything. I know it's hard but if you don't have anyone I'll always be here.