Ten Sins || #Wattys2015

Chapter 155

But now that he's gone...nothing is going to work. There's no point on fighting, no point on trying, no point on living. I woke up every day because I knew I had Harry laying by my side, and that was all I needed to keep on fighting. My heart thuds painfully against my ribs as I try to stand to my feet and gather my broken heart.

When I finally managed to stand up, I looked around with my arms wrapped around me. Everything looked the same, smelled the same but didn't feel the same. Everything looked dim and ugly. Nothing could look beautiful, not even the view of the Eiffel tower that I used to stare and admire.

I wiped my tears with my sleeves and took a deep, shakey breath. My body was numb and for a moment, I felt nothing. I felt hallow. Empty. Emotionless. Careless. That moment quickly diminished though when my eyes moved to the empty bed, where Harry and I had been lying only minutes earlier.

I could still feel the feeling of his arms tightly wrapped around me, smell his scent on my cold skin, bring the image of his smile before my eyes. My heart sunk and I sucked in a breath, new tears stinging into my eyes.

And then's when I realized, how empty my life is without Harry. And how difficult it is for me to keep on without him. How difficult it is for me to breathe when he's not around. He was my everything, my soul, my heart, my love, my happiness, my pain, my breath, my blood, my whole world. I am so madly in love with my angel, that without him, I can't find light in the darkness.

Without overthinking, I stepped into the bathroom and went to stand in front of the mirror. I couldn't even recognize my own self. I looked horrible, different, pained, broken, lifeless. Black circles under my eyes, bloodshot, puffy hazel eyes that showed nothing but pain, swollen purple-ish lips, flushed cheeks and pale skin. How can I keep on living a whole life without the man I love if I look like that only five minutes after he left?

The answer is: I can't.

I didn't even have the srength in me to laugh sarcastically at my status. I had fought demons and faced death more than once, but I couldn't even breathe now that Harry was not here. The thing is, that when I fought with demons, I had a reason to fight; Harry. And now that I don't have a reason to keep on living, why keep on suffering because of this loneliness?

The fact that hurt the most, was that he denied my love. He said that I can't love him, that he doesn't deserve my love. How could he say that? We've been having these feelings for so long, of course I could love him. I fell in love with the real him, the real Harry.

And just like that, a flame of anger lit up inside of me, making me clench my jaw. Yes, I was also angry at him for not staying here and facing his insecurities and fears. I was angry that he didn't even give me a chance to speak and tell him that no matter what happened, my feelings will always exist. My body started to shake because of the anger and fear and I reached to open a dresser.

My hands grabbed the razor and took it out before slamming the dresser shut. I started hitting multiple times the razor with the counter, wanting to break it to pieces. When I did, I grabbed the only piece that I needed and fell down on the marbel floor.

I leaned against the wall and looked at the razor in my hand. Harry left to keep me alive. How ironic...how wrong he was...But of course, he wouldn't listen to me. No matter how hard I tried or cried, he woulf still leave. It was the first time I saw him being like that, being such a coward. He's afraid of love, because he doesn't know what it is.

But that's what love makes us do. Love can give us the happiest moments of our lives or the saddest. Love can be sweet, but it can also be sour. Love can make you crazy, wild, happy. Love can build a whole world of absolute happiness that involves you and the people you love, but everything can be destroyed in mere seconds, and you end up all alone.

And I lived so many happy moments with Harry. Like when we did tricks to each other as a waking up only to piss each other off, which always ended up with laughs and kisses. Like when we stayed in and layed in bed, making jokes and watching movies. Like when he took me to that lake and we made out in the water. Like when we fought about that bottle of ketchup and he ended up drizzling my hair with it.

And as all those memories rush back to my head, I find my self smiling a little. These were happy moments that were caused by Harry just being there. Just his presensce made me happy. How couldn't he not understand that when he's around me, everything else doesn't matter?

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and sniffled, staring at the razor in my hands. How can life change so quickly? How can everything around you just seem so pointless in seconds?

All my fights, all my pleas and begs, all my tears, all the blood I wasted, all the fear I felt, were for absolutely nothing. I wanted Harry and I to be together and happy, and even if I had to die, I wanted him to still have a normal life. That's why I fought that demon. That's why I died. But now that I'm alive again, he's not here.

And that's why I'm leaving, too.

I don’t want to live if I don’t have Harry by my side. Period.

I don’t want to move on by myself.

I don’t want to go back to my house and lay in bed alone.

I don’t want to wake up whilst knowing he’s somewhere else.

And probably with someone else.

What if all those nightmares that I saw with Harry and another girl were real? What if now that we broke up, he’ll go to that girl?

And does she feel the same way I feel about Harry? Does she love him? Would she ever risk her life for him? Would she ever stand by his side when the demos haunt him?

All thoughts and questions are a heavy weight to my heart. I don’t know if he’ll be able to move on and find happiness, but I won’t.

I pressed the razor to my wrist and slowly drag it sideways, hissing as the wound started bleeding. I took a deep breath and repeated my action, only that this time I pressed the razor deeper and screamed in pain. Blood covered everything in mere seconds and my heart pounded rapidly against my ribs. I’m yet again, so close to death, but I don’t have to worry about anything this time. I leaned my head back against the wall when I started seeing everything blurry.

“Without you Harry, there's no me..” I whispered weakly and closed my eyes.

Before I lose conscioussness, I heard heavy footsteps entering the room.

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A/N: A lot of misery and drama and small, I know, BUT next chapter is my no.1 favourite and I bet yours will become too ;) Vote & Comment plz!! Thank you for reading!! Lots of loveeeee ❤❤❤