Forever His { On going }

18🌸.

Song - Not a bad thing by Justin Timberlake .

Said all I want from you is to see you tomorrow
And every tomorrow, maybe you'll let me borrow your heart
And is it too much to ask for every Sunday
And while we're at it, throw in every other day to start...

Logan's POV

I see it in her eyes. I see it whenever she's looking at me and trying to figure out if I'm really a changed mine . I see it when she sucks in her breath when I touch her . I see it when she glances at me and looks the other way. Even when she's angry at me, it's there. I saw it tonight when we were slow dancing at Alex's dance . She loves me . Emma still loves me . She hasn't admitted it out loud but she hasn't denied it either . I know she does but the problem is that she's doing a damn great job at hiding it.

I wish she could just let herself go and give me a chance . I know that I don't deserve it but if she could just give me the benefit of doubt , I would really appreciate it. She has been through a lot in my hands. I thought about how her stay in New York would have gone smoother if she never met be and became a nanny for my kids . Her life would have been a lot smoother . She might have met a man whose life had no complications . She would have been happy with him . They might have been married and lived happily ever after , whatever that meant for them.

I also thought about how messy my life would have been if Emma hadn't come into my life . I don't think I would have known what true love feels like . I wouldn't have known what it means for someone to sacrifice everything just to be with you. I wouldn't have known what it feels like to be cared for by this whole other person and have them stay with you no matter how fucked up or flawed you are. My kids wouldn't have know what it feels like to have someone who was a stranger before , love them unconditionally like they were hers . My life and that of my kids changed completely when Emma came into our lives and I hate that I told her love and care for granted . I hate that I caused her loss. I had that I was ungrateful and repaid her kindness and goodhearted nature  with selfishness and stubbornness.

She has every right not to want me in her life ever again and I know that deep down she would rather not have me in her life because he's scared that I will cause her more pain . I know that and I understand her reasons . For a man who claimed that I loved her , when she needed me the most, I became the biggest asshole to her.

She's in my life right now by virtue of the fact that the company she works in and my company are partners and because of my kids have decided to do everything in their power to get her back . She didn't have to say yes to coming over and helping Alex get ready last night. She didn't have to say yes to being my co chaperone at the dance yesterday . She didn't have to spend time with us and tuck Avery in but she did it because of the love she has for my kids. She did it because of them , not me . I have to say, I have the most relentless kids in the world. It doesn't surprise me because they have me as a father.

I hate to admit it It breaks my heart to see Emma love my kids more than she does me, because I wish she could love me like that . It's pathetic. I'm jealous of my own kids because Emma loves them more than she loves me . But I can't help it . I miss having her love me unconditionally. I miss seeing her smile , I miss us laughing together non stop. Fuck , I miss making love to her . Anytime I'm around her , I'm at war with myself. My brain has to send signals to my body to stop my hands from touching her or kissing her because I know she and I are not there yet. I don't even know if we'll ever get there again.

These were the beauties that came with being with Emma but now it feels like I have to put in the extra work just to get her to smile at me for five seconds and then she's back to frowning .  My goal is to keep trying to push against her walls. I feel her softening up towards me but I don't want to get my hopes too high . Until she's mine , I won't stop trying. I will keep trying to show her that I'm a different person now and she's the one for me . It's the truth . I've never seen myself with any other woman. I've never felt right about being with a woman like I have , Emma and that is why I'm fighting for our love . The woman I thought was perfect and I destroyed my relationship with Emma for turned out to be very different from who I thought she was.