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TW: Cussing, multiple suicide attempts, details on how the MC plans to kill themselves.

   The fuck?

    Where am I? Where did that door take me?

    "Young Master! Your sword training starts in two minutes!" I heard a frantic male voice from the other side of the door.

    "Yeah, yeah. I'm on my way." This is hella weird. Who were those people outside?

    I slid down the bed, only to slide down way farther than I expected.

    "WOAH?!" How big does a bed need to be?! If a grown ass adult like me fell that far down, then it's way too damn big!

    I slammed down on my knees and wince as pain shot up my leg.

    "Owie, that hurt!" I examined my knee. It was fine for the most part, aside from a minor scrape and few drops of blood.

    Wait, hold up! Why are my hands so small?! Mirror! I need a mirror!

    I ran to a body length mirror and stared at my reflection- or rather, Randall's reflection.





    I yanked open the window and peered out. Randall's room was pretty high up! High enough to kill a small child.

    Oh, did I mention the original Randall wanted to die? He was too chicken to go through with it.

    So I'm techically doing him a favor by doing this.

    I jumped out of the window and slammed against the ground. I felt my neck snap.


    "He's fine. Just a concussion and quite a few nasty bruises."

    "Thank you, doctor." Randall's father gave the doctor some money then rushed him out.

    Why. The. Fuck. Didn't. I. Die? I SHOULD BE DEAD!

    "You stupid, insolent child! I told you you'd fall one of these days." Randall's- I mean MY- father yelled.

    "Really? Had no idea I'd fall." I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

    "You little-"

    "Excuse me, Duke Howell. Your presence has been requested." An old man dressed as  a butler cut father off.

    "Is it that damn O'brien?"

    "I'm afraid so." Father gave me a glare before walking out.

    "Tch, I'll go see what he wants this time."

    The moment the door shut I slid out of bed, wincing as I pressed on some particularly sensitive bruises.

    I ran out of the bedroom straight to the library. Well, not STRAIGHT to the library since I got lost and wandered around looking like an idiot for a while.

    What am I doing? I'm going to look for a book about plants, specifically poisonous plants that are fatal.

    If this plan doesn't work, then I still have a few left; hanging, drowning, and stabbing/cutting. If none of those work then I'll know it's the plot armor keeping me from dying.

    Dammit, why the fuck is this place so big?! You could fit a whole small town in this fucker!

    Servants whispered as I passed by, taunting grins on their faces.

    I SO wanted to beat their ass, but this tiny body didn't have the strength to do so and I'd be punished for it knowing father.



    Since I wasted hours trying to find the library, I set to finding any and all plant books straight away. Using a catalog that I oh-so conveniently found, I managed to discover an extremely toxic plant with another super convenient note telling me Duke Howell had a bit of it growing in his private garden located in his bedroom.

    Ha, what luck I have. Welp, no time like the present to die! :D


    After a few stressful hours and a good decade taken off of my already small lifespan, I acquired a bit of the plant.

    "Down the hatch!" I stuffed it in my mouth, nearly gagging it right back out. Gods, this tasted horrible!

    I mentally prepared for it, but my tastebuds sure didn't.

    I choked down the small plant and waited for it to take effect.


    I'm not feeling anything.

    Motherfucker! I did all that for nothing. Time to commence plan C!


    The rope just happened to snap when I began to black out. So did the other forty something ropes I tried beforehand.


    A person walking past the lake saw me jump in with a weight tied to my ankle and rescued me.

    Rat Poison

    ...A group of rats literally snagged the bottle of poison and consumed every last drop.

    The irony.


    I chickened out. I'm not exactly a masochist, ya feel me?


    "Why plot armor? Why?" I sobbed into my pillow. "LET ME DIE FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I DON'T WANNA LIVE THIS SHITTY LIFE!"

    Aha! Lightbulb!

    "I got it! Father will kill me, or maybe Tabius. Who cares. I'll annoy them so much they'll kill me in the moment and I'll be set free!" I jumped on my bed in excitement. Maybe if one of the other book characters kill me the plot armor won't work!

    Ah, who am I kidding? I'll most likely have some miraculous recovery, like my entire head growing back.


    I haven't this before since I was trying to die, but none of the servants have checked in on me or even attempt to get me for mealtime. Heck, they don't even set a place up for me at the table. The reason I know this is because I peeked into the dining room during dinner while they were preparing the table.

    It's like Randall doesn't exist in this house. No wonder he was jealous when the hero got Tabius's attention so easily.

    I'd say I could just cook my food, but I can't. I can boil an egg, fry an egg, microwave frozen food, make rice, chop vegetable, and pretty much nothing else.


    T^T I'm so hungry! What did the original Randall do before I took over? Maybe he was a real good cook since the servants didn't serve him.

    I snagged a few fruits from the kitchen earlier, but it won't do much in terms of keeping me full.

    "Living is such a pain in the ass,"I muttered and munched on an apple. "Why do I have to do this?"

    You know what? I'm going to make the best out of my current situation. If I have to go through this life, I won't go through it being miserable. At least, the most anti-miserable I can be.

    You know what? I'm going to scope out that library again and look for any erotica. If I find any gay erotica, they're mine forever and shall become my lifeline.

    Seriously doubt the Duke would have any gay erotica.


    Holy shit. He has a whole bookshelf hidden in the very back filled with erotica, and half of it is gay!

    Heehee~! I hit the jackpot! Let's just steal one.... maybe three... fuck it, I'm taking the whole shelf!

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