I've Changed

60. It's love

TW: RAPE, [MENTIONS OF SELF HARM/SUICIDE]

(WARNING TO ALL READERS THAT THERE IS MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!! CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!)

~freshmen year~

"Did you make a decision?"When Mark wraps his arms over my shoulders and leans down while I sit at my desk surrounded by books and notes, I almost jump.

"It's a hard one," I sigh, turning around in my seat to be greeted by the familiar amber eyes. As I shyly smile at him, I observe Mark furrowing his brows and scanning my features.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he adds as he picks me up from my chair and throws me on my bed, making me giggle. When his head lies on my chest and my hand strokes the ends of his hair, I sigh. "I also want you to come with me to B.C."

"I know," I say as I kiss his head, observing his disappointed expression on his face. I frown, my gut twisting with guilt as I notice his sadness in his features.

Mark kisses under my chin before putting his head on my chest and bringing me closer to him, whispering, "I love you." When I sense he's upset that I'm not accompanying him to British Columbia, my heart aches. I know he's excited to be playing for the team there for a year, but there's nothing I can do really. Transferring schools is already a challenge, especially in the middle of the year.

"I love you," I wrap my arms around his neck, embracing him tighter as he does the same. I feel him pushing himself off of me to hover above and lean down to place a loving kiss on my lips.

"I just want you to be there," Mark frowns, rubbing my cheek after pulling away. I mirror his expression, guiltily looking away as I know how hard it'll be for the both of us. "I love you too much," I pull him closer when his voice trails off, capturing his lips again as I don't want to see the hurt in his eyes when he knows I don't want to move with him.It's too far away and too much work, especially given how far I've come.

"You know I'd do anything to be with you," I murmur, as he wraps his arms around me again in his hug, flipping us over so I'm on top of him. "I just...I'm not sure."

"Is that a no?" I snap my head to look at him as I hear the hurt in his voice. I kiss his cheek before placing my head in the crook of his neck, the pleasure of being in his arms and feeling his chest heave at the same time as mine enveloping my senses.

"I'll think about it," I answer honestly, as I hear him exhale a sigh of disappointment. We lay in each other's arms, my eyes closed as I savor the comfort and warmth of his body before his alarm calls us up. "You have to go," I say quietly, noting that it's nearly noon and he has training scheduled.

"I'll see you later?" When he observes me overthinking and contradicting my thoughts as I face him, he looks down and kisses my forehead.

"You will," I say as I watch him smile and slowly let go of me, missing the way he hugs me. As he stands up and straightens his clothes, I take a seat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm hoping you'll make a decision," Mark frowns before smiling at me when he detects my hesitation. Before drawing away, he kisses my forehead and then takes my chin for a deep kiss full of love. He adds, "I love you," as he walks out of my room and shuts the door behind him.

~

I'm going to do it.

I love him too much to let him leave. To leave him behind, where all he's done is helped me in healing and trusting others from my past. I would go to any length for him, and he returns the favor. This is simply my way of expressing my love and devotion to him because I can't imagine myself without him. I'd be nothing if he left because he helped me grow into the person I am now, and I love him for it.