A COLD WINTER NIGHT

Chapter 18 - What's Next, Doctor?

"You're going to get pregnant Clara. If not today, then one day. I promise you," Adam had once said to me the night before he disappeared. "Well, what if I am?" I want to ask him. "Will you still love me if I was pregnant with another man's child? Will you hate me? Please don't hate me, Adam. I can't live with knowing you hate me. I can't." Ever since a couple of months ago, Adam's been popping up in my mind a lot more than normal and I hate it. Not Adam, but just the fact that I am thinking of another man other than the one that I am currently with, but he never leaves. Adam never leaves and I don't know if that's because he is embedded deeply within me as Edvin had once said or because I will not let him go. Either way, he's still here with me and as of right now, I'm choosing to hang on to him, just a little longer. Just long enough, until I am finally ready to accept that he is gone and Edvin is here.

"Clara?" I hear Edvin call. I wipe my tears quickly before turning and giving him a fake smile.

"What's up?" I ask.

"I've been calling your name. Are you okay?" he wonders. I nod my head.

"Yeah. I'm fine," I tell him.

"I know you. You can't hide from me. What is wrong?" he worriedly wonders.

"Adam's just been on my mind a lot lately. That's all," I tell him. Edvin looks forward, biting his bottom lip. He wants to say something. I know he does, but he's stopping himself. Holding himself back from speaking his mind.

"When memories from my past poison my mind—" I interrupt him.

"My memories of Adam aren't poison," I correct in offense.

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant— Sometimes when my memories come forth, I have to force myself to think of something that makes me happy. Sometimes it's the only way for me not to lose myself to the darkness that wishes to pull me under," he says, and I get it. I completely understand what he means.

"Thinking of Adam shouldn't make me sad though. I want to think of him and remember all the happy moments him and I shared, but when I do..."

"You begin to feel guilty," he finishes, turning to look at me.

"I do," I cry. "I am so sorry," I sincerely tell him. "I shouldn't feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty, Edvin. I do, but right now— Edvin... Him and I had tried for so long to have a baby and with you... You knocked me up almost right away. I mean, am I wrong to feel bad for him? Am I wrong to feel guilty?"

"No. You're not wrong to feel the way you feel," he tells me. He then turns to look back at the road before going on. "I don't have an answer for you Clara. I don't know what you want me to say. I have nothing to say," he ends.

"Just tell me I'm fucked up!" I find myself shouting. "Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me something. Anything! Hate me for still loving my husband and for thinking of him," I silently cry at the end.

"Is that how you feel? Do you hate yourself for still loving your husband?" he asks.

"I don't know," I answer.

"I don't hate you, Clara. I could never hate you," he tells me.

"I just don't understand. How can you be so cool about this? Doesn't it make you mad? It's not normal. You shouldn't be okay with me still loving another man. It's not right," I sob.

"What are you trying to do here, Clara? Do you really want me to get mad at you? Do you want me to yell at you? Do you want me to force you to give up your husband and love only me, because I'll tell you right now that I won't do that. I won't force you to do it because that is exactly what my father tried to brainwash my brother and I to do. He wanted us to renounce our love for one another as a way to make us stronger but believe me when I say, if I had done what he had asked, I would not be the same Edvin you know today. I'd be a monster. I'd be a fucking monster just like my father. So, no. I am not mad at you for still loving your husband. I could never be mad at you. Your love for him is what makes you stronger. It's what makes you human and to take away your humanity, would only make me just as evil as my own father. So, love him. Love him but love me too," he ends, and I'm no longer crying but staring at him in awe. I wipe my eyes, collecting the last few drops that escape down my cheeks.