kalon l.s

8

                            HARRY' POV

have you ever hated someone's guts to the point where you want to pluck each and everyone of their eyelashes out, pull all their nails slowly, and throw them off of a cliff ?

have you ever liked someone so much you want to be around them 24/7,  hide your feelings because you know it will scare them, and watch them shamelessly flirt with people, and you can't say something because you aren't dating?

well ... i have. i do. i always have. it fucking sucks.

it's a miserable system of arguing, jealousy, lust, and anger.

arguing, stemming from having to act like you hate them. having to annoy them. having to push them away. them hating you, and you causing it. it being your own fault they don't like you.

them now thriving off of insulting you and making you sad. of course it not their fault to an extent. they do argue and insult back but it would be different if you had just been and little bit more tuff and fought back. cant take it back now though.

jealousy, watching them flirt and have flings with people that don't like them as much as you do. that will be gone in a matter of hours or months. that brings you comfort of course. knowing they will be gone.

still doesn't feel good.

watching people get all their attention and affection when you have been pinning after it for years. when you have had to hide it for what seems like forever. jealous to the fact they get to express their feelings and you don't.

lust, the way their body moves, the way their skin glows in the sunlight. how their lips move when they rant about how the music industry is shit about how they treat their artists and musicians.

when they tease you because they love to piss you off. fuck with your feelings without even knowing. moving their skin against yours. waiting for the next time you have the opportunity to mold your lips with theirs. if there is a next time.

anger, hating someone and liking someone is one of the most emotionally exhausting things you might ever go through. the constant need to touch their skin but yell at them the next second.

they egg you on and argue, insult, and annoy you all the time. the insufferable way their lips move and look when they're insulting you because you like sugar in your tea, read books for fun, the way you wear your button downs, and your constant presence in their flat.

it's a never ending swirl of anger twisted with infatuation. it's miserable and depressing. your emotions playing tricks on you. makes your blood boil.

that's why right now i'm at a club three weeks after i got out of louis' bed escaping his warm arms and watching the cruel scene of louis flirting up on a blonde with pink lipstick.

the miserable cycle.

my fist is clenched around the glass of vodka with little to no orange juice. my eyes focused and narrowed at the tall man eyeing louis.

that's the thing. i cant get mad. he isn't my boyfriend. never has been. probably never will be. he hates me too much. that's my fault.

doesn't mean my emotions play fair. not one bit. my own mind hates me.

not wanting to torture myself further, i move my head towards the dance floor. seeing bodies moving with sweat glistening in the neon red lights.