Not Some Princess ✓

36. The kiss that made us

36

The kiss that made us

Wanna ride with you 'til the wheels fall off
Until we're running out of road
Wanna dance with you 'til the music stops
'Til we got no place to go
Everybody needs a place to hide
This don't have to be a bumpy ride
I think we should be alone tonight
'Cause we don't have to be lonely
—Lonely
Jonas Brothers, Diplo

I HADN'T ever been much of a nocturnal person. I have always been the early riser that gets up before the world and sleeps when people are out for drinks. Maybe that made me stodgy in college. Maybe I missed out on a lot of alcohol that those frat parties served that I also skipped. But know what? I am cool with that. I was happy being an early riser. And I still was.

Then I spent the night with Ray. Even though we had done it before. Spent the night together. But this was different. Don't get me wrong, watching the sunrise is still one of my most favourite things. But watching him talk in the moonlight is something else, entirely. I can see the traces of sadness that could never be so evident in any light other than the moonlight. I could get lost in his forest eyes that looked their best around nature. I decided I liked this. I liked the nights. If they were with him.

"Why'd you leave?" I asked the burning question that had been in my mind since along.

While fighting sleep, I listened to him tell me about London. His guilt. His meeting his parents. His guilt. Him meeting his friend, Edward. A guy that seemed nice by the sounds of it. His guilt. Him coming back. To the hospital. Not finding me there. His guilt. My voice message. His coming here. And of course, that he was sorry.

"It isn't your fault." I could say it a thousand times and still, find him with that same look. The look that made the insides of me ache for him. I sighed and took his face in my hands. His eyes were swallowed in remorse. I wanted to slap him again. I traced my fingers on his cheeks and resisted. He closed his eyes leaned into my hand. Even when he aggravated every inch of me, he was closest to the serenity that I had been longing for, for so many days. Every waking moment was a whiplash with reality. But right now, right here, we were in a cell away from the intense actualities of the world. This cell was full of stillness. It was the calm ocean that we both seemed to crave more than anything. In each other's embrace. Steady.

"It is, and you can't just change the truth." His persistence was admirable, had it not been the situation. I stared at him and he gazed at me, ever so deeply like he was configuring the deepest parts of my human programming. As every second passed by it felt like I needed him more and more and that made me anxious about the consequences. That alarming part was dozy then. It was tiring. So tired. Of putting up a front whenever and wherever. It needed a let go. And it felt that I might just let it. Go.

"Raymond we both are humans. We both make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with making the wrong decisions. I know that things happened they were bad, really bad. They were the worst. I suffered too. If not as badly as your sister-" Raymond visibly flinched. It made me feel apologetic for mentioning her out of the blue. But I knew I had to say it.

"But I still can't shake the thought of all the what-ifs and that makes me crawl in fear and never want to get out in this world again. But do you know what makes me get up and what makes me not break apart right this second?" I struggled to keep my shaky voice steady and tightened my hold onto him.