Before you knew

59. Almost.

I lay on bed, staring at the ceiling of my sisters guest bedroom.

Clay didn't come with me to the airport.
Maybe for the better.

There's a soft knock on the door.
'Can I come in?' Kim's voice sounds from the other side of the door. I look at the clock, it's past midnight. I hide the pocket knife under my pillow. 'Yeah.' The door opens and she steps in. Walking over and sitting down on the bed. 'Why are you still up?' She asks, looking a little worried and upset on my behalf. It's been four days, yet it feels like months since I've seen Clay. Normally when I can't sleep I can slip into bed next to Clay. But now I can't anymore. He's over 7500 kilometers away.

'I miss him Kim.' I say as I sit up. 'Have you called him?' She asks. I shake my head no. I doubt he wants me to. I left him behind, why wouldn't he be mad.

'I think....

There's a corner of my heart that became his. And I don't mean for now, or until I found somebody else, I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over, or once, or never again, there'll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to him....

And it's painful.
This happens over and over.
I had to leave again, run away again.

And the further away, the longer it takes, the more the small part feels like it's dying.
Like it need him to keep beating like the rest of my heart does.'

Kim smiles sadly.

'You haven't loved anyone like that before.'

I sigh and feel the soft aching in my chest,
The feeling I got used to by now.

'Call him.'

Two weeks later is when I do. Heart not being able to take it, and knowing it'll be worse to see him.
Out of reach, and maybe quiet and distant from me.

My heart is beating out of my chest as I nervously biting my lip

It rings for a long time before the call gets answered.

I don't say anything for a while, nor does Clay.
We look at each other through the phone.

'I....'

I really don't know what to say.
My lip starts to tremble as I tear up.
The tears come spilling without an explanation.

I lay the phone down and start to wipe away the tears without use.

'Amelia.'

His voice makes my heart ache painfully in my chest.

'Amelia, please look at me.'

I sniffle and give one more attempt at drying my eyes, before grabbing the phone and looking at the blonde, green eyed man. I look up to see how tired he looks. I hick, craving a hug. Craving his warmth. 'Calm your breathing.' He says calmly. I wipe my tears away. Taking some deep breaths I calm down a little.

'I miss you so much it hurts.'

'Because there was something to hurt for, right?' He asks.

He gets me back with my own words, and I deserve it.

'I can't sleep.

I stay up most nights

Thinking of you,
While trying not to think about you.

Missing you
While trying not to miss you.'

He doesn't answer as I see him looking away from the phone.

'But you know what the worst part is?' I ask. 'The almost.'

'Why?' He asks.

'It's the most fucked up word of the English language.' My voice ends up high pitched as I try to keep the tears back. 'Why's that?'

'I was almost good enough. He was almost in love with me. She almost survived....

We almost made it.'