Killing Swans

Chapter 26 - Ticket into Freedom

"Yeah I can't wait..." I just said, because what else was I supposed to answer to that? It wasn't like Josh actually cared for my answer and he didn't even ask how I felt graduation from ballet school without my family being there for me. I mean, I hadn't talked to them in...in a year, but still, it was always going to be hard to face these kinds of events without them. I didn't think I would get married one day, but if I did, how would it feel to have nobody sitting on my side? To have nobody, not even my mom there to watch me get married? I was losing myself in a sad fantasy again and I couldn't tell that one to anybody, so I just leaned forward, kissing Josh's lips while he grabbed my butt. 

"What do you want to do until you have to be at the company?" Josh asked with his deep voice, as he let his fingers run though my hair. And I gulped. Oh no, not again. I mean, I had to be at the company in maybe four hours and Josh probably knew that, but my last wish was to have sex with him right now, when my mind was so stuffed with worries, sadness and hope. But it had never really worked to deny him before and I didn't want him to force me to do it again, that would only hurt more, so I was facing a horrible decision...should I just do it and get it over with? Should I just offer to blow him and hope that he would be satisfied with that or option number three....lie for my fucking life?

"Uhm well the nerves are getting to me and I think I will feel better if I go to the school now and practice some more or just...sit on stage for a while, relaxing. Is that ok for you?" I asked and I would have expected Josh to get really mad at me for not going with the flow and having sex with him, which he very much indicated judging by his tone and the grip he had on my butt, but actually, when he heard my words he just chuckled, patting my ass before letting it go. "Oh course Henry, I know that you need practice to feel better and I guess I should make sure that at the office everything is going smoothly, so I can be there tonight without a distraction. Afterwards there is the banquet in the ballroom of the Company right?" he asked, surprising me once again today. 

Yes after the show there was a big banquet held by my school in the ballroom of the New York ballet company next door or well technically we shared a building with them, but still. All of the important people would be there, our director would hold a speech and maybe some other people and the families would be there with us graduates. Well Josh was my family now, but yeah...Of course I had invited him and still, I was a little surprised that he had remembered and actually seemed excited for it? "Mhm, yeah" I just nodded and Josh gave me another kiss, before he let go of me, saying "Alright, I'm looking forward to it." 

I sat down on my own chair, taking my spoon and eating some of the oatmeal to fill my stomach, because I knew I would not manage to eat much during the day, that was how nervous I was. Well it wasn't like I ate much anyway...maybe that was my special little way of torturing and punishing myself, who knew? Josh ate as well and when I was fairly full and my anxiety of wanting to leave this apartment rather sooner than later got the best of me, I brought my dishes away and got my bag, ready to head out. 

Josh hurried after me and towards the door, when I was about to leave and I thought he might have changed his mind about the sex thing and he wanted to do it now, but actually he just kissed my lips, saying "I won't be able to see you before the show, so good luck, break a leg and I will be cheering you on!" I nodded, kissing him one last time to show my gratitude, before I left the apartment, hurrying out of the building and there it felt like I could breath again. I don't know why sometimes Josh's love was suffocating me, even when he was being nice, but maybe just knowing the price of it could make the taste so bitter sweet, it was nauseating. 

I walked towards the school, going inside and of course I was the first one there from my class, but that gave me the time to rehearse and practice a little bit on my own, because I really wanted to nail the show tonight. I just had to do it, my life, my future depended on it. Of course I also wanted to get to one of the best companies and logically that one was maybe even the New York ballet, but the further away from here the better, even if it would be just a second class or lower company, I would take it. I just hoped that somebody would be interested in me and my dance style.