Sidereus

Chapter Nineteen

When my free hand delicately trails up the length of his spine I watch Dean lean forwards at the comforting touch. Trailing to his shoulder I hold it tightly trying to find the words. "Dean you... you held out for thirty years", watching Dean screw up his teary eyes and shaking his head as if he can block out my words, I stress "You're not indestructible Dean."

Lip trembling, Dean brokenly shakes his head over out tangled hands "I tortured those souls El and... and i liked it." Furrowing my brows I uneasily drop my gaze listening to Dean confess brokenly to me "After all the pain- what we've suffered- it felt... it felt good to dish it out." Rolling his shoulder like he can squirm away from the feeling, Dean's voice breaks when he cries "God damn it felt good El. And I hate it. I hate it but it felt good for it to not be me for once in my damn life."

Rolling my lip, I lean my head into the crook of Dean's shoulder. Could never understand and I don't ever want to try to. It's eating him up. I can feel it in every shake of his shoulder and very pinch of his hands tightening. Searching for something to grab onto. A lifeline to keep him from drowning. Sliding my hands from his, I shift my weight on the sheets and tilt his face to look at me. Bring Dean's bashfully reluctant gaze to meet mine, I murmur unwaveringly "You don't have to bear it alone." Dean tilts his gaze to glance away from my I catch his jaw with my hand and tug it back. Reaching into my shirt I tug out the ring he gave me long ago. "The night you gave me this I kissed you because I am in this with you Dean", the ring glimmering on the silver chain I let it twirl between us as Dean's soft gaze falls trapped in mine "You're not alone." Leaning forwards Dean tucks his head into my shoulder and I engulf him tightly in my arms. A couple of these tears trickle down my collarbone but I don't stop him. I just let him break a little. He's let it run loose inside for so long Dean needs a second to feel it. Once you feel it you can work with it. Silently I nuzzle my head into his shoulder once more. This is all I can do. Be here for him. It's all anyone can do for Dean. We're not the ones who went through Hell. There is no possible way of understanding. All we can do is be there.

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Creeping through the thick dense woods I survey where we are walking carefully and doing my best to block out the whole 'Ruby saved me' conversation Sam is having with Dean. I feel his eyes burning in me from where I stride ahead of them but I don't care. I don't want to hear the whole speech on how Ruby is a decent Demon because she's not. She took advantage of Sam when he'd cut himself off from me and that is all there is to it. I don't care about all the necessities and good she's doing now. Ruby's the one who harnessed Sam's bad ju-ju and ever since it's been a slippery slope for him. Stuck in the woods listening to Sam praise and put her on a pedestal for saving his life when he'd chosen to leave me... well it's just one bullet I can't find myself eager to bite onto. He'd left me alone to deal with everyone and everything and he'd just welcomed Ruby to his side. I utterly despise it.

Boots creaking up the rickety cabin Ruby and Sam spent time hiding out in, the door is slung open before I can even knock. Barely sparing Ruby a glance I peer inside for Anna "Is she safe?"

"For now", Ruby catching my arm when I try sliding past her, she mutters "Thanks for trusting me with her."

Tearing my arm from her hold, I narrow my set gaze gritting through my teeth "You were the better of two evils. Don't take it personally." Ignoring Sam's eyes on me, I wander over to Anna who's perched on the old couch "How're you holding up?"

"Alright I guess", Anna smiles behind me, bashfully tucking her hands into her jacket sleeves "Ruby's not like other Demon's. She saved my life."

"Yeah I hear she does that", glancing over my shoulder, Dean tucks his hands into his pocket side-eyeing, Ruby. A beat passing, Dean stumbles "I guess... I... uh... you know."