Killing Swans

Chapter 20 - Fleeing you

Josh had treated me to a nice dinner and after practice he took me shopping to get a new suit and an expensive watch, that I didn't need, but it was pretty I guess and Josh insisted so I thanked him. And when we got home that night he held me and he kissed me and then we had sex. That was the worst part and I don't even know why. Because I wasn't ready to do that with him again I guess, but I was also too afraid to tell him, that I wasn't in the mood. So I went along with it. I participated and acted as if I was feeling pleasure and giving him such, but actually, I wanted to throw up or cry or hide in the closet and never come out. It was horrible and afterwards, when he held me in his arms until he fell asleep, I felt guilty for feeling that way. Because I did love him, even after...even after everything. And it scared me that I did. Would it be easier if I hated him?

But the fact that I had no one besides Josh scared me even more than my own emotions. Maybe if I wasn't so alone, it would be easier to bear. If I didn't depend on good Josh to make me feel alright, but that even if bad Josh was out, I still had that other person to help me feel better, even though I knew nobody could ever find out about what went on in our apartment. I was ashamed to be honest. I was a man, not some helpless child and I was very strong through ballet, I should be able to protect myself. But I wasn't. Because I was scared. 

My letter to my parents left me without an answer. I hoped that they would get it and that it didn't go missing, but I threw it into a mailbox and that should be enough, right? And deep down I knew that they did receive it and either read it, but didn't care to write me back or that they threw it away the second they realized who it was from. It hurt so fucking much to even think about that for a moment, but I had to accept that it was the truth. Josh didn't seem to be so supportive of me finding other people in my life besides him, but even he let me send that letter, so he must have known that my parents wouldn't answer. And I had known that as well, I just didn't want to believe it. 

But when I realized that I could choose between being all alone or finding a friend at the company I had to keep a secret, I decided to find a third option. And that was Charlotte.

Even though what she had done was bad, I still couldn't bear being alone in this pitiful life that I was living. I was jumping between dancing at the school, until I almost fainted from exhaustion and then going into that hell that I had to call my home. I mean, I guess it wasn't always hell. When Josh was nice to me and cooked and gave me kisses, it was the home that I chose or had to choose to live in, but when he was angry and wanted to hurt me, it was like living in a nightmare. I couldn't live on like this, it was too much. I needed somebody by my side who made me feel good and that was Charlotte. Even if she betrayed me, even if she somewhat hated me and very much Josh, but I needed her and maybe she would let me into her life again. 

I didn't even know, if she wanted me in her life anymore, but I needed to at least give it a try. And I was planning on trying to do that, because the thing was...I didn't want Josh to find out. When he heard that I had been ready to forgive Charlotte for what she had done, he hit me for the first time and even kicked me. I didn't know if he actually hated the thought of me being friends with Charlotte or if he didn't want me to get hurt. Either way, I wanted somebody like Charlotte in my life again, no actually I needed it and I didn't want to end up with bruises again, so I had to do it in secret. 

I figured if I was to just text Charlotte, Josh would maybe find the text, because he did know the password to my phone and checked it frequently, even if he did it behind my back, but I just knew that he did. Writing a letter could fall into the wrong hands and if I was to call Charlotte, Josh would also see that in my timeline, so...I decided to go with going to her personally. I'd just tell Josh I would be home late because of training and actually I would go to Charlotte's apartment, asking her to forgive me or tell her that I had forgiven her and that I wanted to be friends again.