Better Together

Chapter 38: "I'm Only Human"

"Clarke, get your ass out of bed! It's been three days. Three whole fucking days and you haven't left that damn bed!" Octavia shouted. I could tell she was pissed, but I couldn't find it in myself to care. I needed to think. "Clarke, get up or so help me god I will drag you to Lexa's or visa versa!" she yelled. 

As much as I loved the idea of seeing Lexa, I knew I couldn't do that to her. I still wasn't ready to be with her yet. I was still a pile of nothing on the inside, and I wasn't sure how long it would take for me to be back to my usual self. I just knew she couldn't see me like this, so, I got up. 

"At least I know you're not deaf," she rolled her eyes and left my room. I decided to shower first. Showers were good for thinking anyway. I turned the water on to the hottest setting. I knew it was gonna burn, but that was kind of the point. Maybe it's just me, but pain makes my brain work harder and faster. I stepped into the shower and immediately winced but stayed under the scalding hot water.

My thoughts were all over the place truthfully. One second they were on Lexa, then Finn, then my mom, sometimes my dad, everything was spinning. It was like sitting on a carousel. You can see your goals, but you can't reach them. You're constantly just as close as you were the minute before, and no matter what you do you can't slow down or speed up.

After about 20 minutes of thinking -and crying-, I got out of the shower, put some clothes on, and went to the kitchen. 

"Hey Princess," Bell smiled. I just growled. I hate when he calls me that because that's what Finn called me. I don't think he knows that, so I can't hold it against him. However, it's still painful all things considered. I sat at the table near their kitchen and waited for someone to say something. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today," he quipped. I just scowled and turned my attention to a plate of food Octavia gave to me. 

"Don't encourage her Bell. I finally got her to leave her room," she sighs. 

I was going to make a snarky comment, but that would require explaining my predicament to Octavia, and I really don't want to do that. I need to talk to Raven. I'm gonna call Raven. Yeah, that makes the most sense. I started dialing and Octavia didn't ask questions. To be fair, she probably thought it was Lexa.

I told Raven to get her ass over here, and she wasted no time getting ready. I knew when she got her she was going to scold me for running out, but that's to be expected. She's been calling me for the past three days, but I've left my phone on silent, so I could think. Thinking required silence, silence requires solitude, solitude means being away from people who will bug me. I knew Octavia would bug me, but she doesn't know what Raven does. So, she'd be more lenient.

"Griffin, you better explain yourself, RIGHT NOW!" Raven shouts once she enters the house. 

"I called you here to talk. Not hate me. If that's what you're going to do, leave," I say simply with a wave of my hand. I really don't have the patience for everyone's bullshit.

"Okay, okay. I just know that you and Lexa are doing the same thing right now and it's really scary," Raven says.

"What do you mean?" I ask curiously. I know I hurt her, but I didn't think she'd be doing the same things I am. That's not what I wanted.

"Her phone's always off, she's not leaving her room, all that," Raven explains.

"Shit," I state simply.

"'Shit' indeed," Raven nods. 

"Fuck off. Are you going to help me or not?" I ask. 

"Yeah, yeah yea, lead the way," she mumbles. "So what do you want to talk about?" Raven asks once we enter my room and close the door.