The Secret Life of a Toilet Dweller

What Would Shaybo Do?

WWSD?

My anxiety had escalated to a point where it was beyond my control.

I wish I could have been sitting outside on one of the benches at Sixth Form enjoying the Spring sun. I'd like to say that I was sitting there, with my head high, not caring that five days after the house party it was still the topic of conversation. It was still the news that was being spread around. I'd hoped by now one of the boys from the 'squad' would have been caught cheating again, or one of the girls arguing about someone not attending someone's birthday and the attention would have shifted from me. I thought to leak some of Aarons misdemeanours as a distraction against me but that would have had too much collateral damage.

Instead, I sought solitude in the only places I knew I could. Joseph's house and the toilets. The toilets, where I was currently sat with my legs crossed was currently anything but a sanctuary for at the moment, but what was the alternative?

The party was on Saturday, but still, by Thursday it was a raging fire that was taking a life of its own. I had to listen to the various theories as to why I had thrown my drink over Richard at the party. Everyone had a theory and as the days went by they became more and more far-fetched. The rumours started semi-believable with reports of Richard potentially flirting quite heavy with another girl and I was being territorial. Jason telling everyone I was a great fighter after my public argument with Nat months ago helped fuel this theory that I was a scary bitch. The rumours by Wednesday morning, however, had escalated to me being to me catching Richard head handed having a foursome.

Putting how crappy the rumours made me feel, I had to take my hat off to them for creativity.

The reality of it, the plain reality of it was I felt overwhelmed. Richard was very much in the wrong for his actions and at that moment I felt my insecurities and things that had always been unsaid between him and I came to the surface. It was unfair of me to have unloaded and reacted to him like that.

As I listened to SZA's Drew Barrymore, I thought about what I should have done with the benefit of hindsight. How had I been so dumb? Why had I let so much shit run? Why had I not pushed him more on Micah or Nat? Why did I even have to question him on an ex, let alone two?

The song was way too accurate for how I was feeling at the moment. How was it able to describe exactly what was going on? When "Lonely enough to let you treat me like this" rang through my AirPods I knew it was time for me to change the song. Supermodel rang through as I rested my head against the cubicle wall.

Instead of us never talking about anything that had ever bothered us, we just ignored it and acted like it never had happened. What I should have done, was sat him down and read him to filth as eloquently as I knew how. I should have told him what he did was inappropriate. I should have told him how I felt, how small he made me feel. I should have told him how insecure I felt with Nat, and how wrong I felt for what we did to her. How he was not worth losing my friendship over. I should have told him how I doubted our relationship from the beginning. But it was fleeting attention. I felt seen by someone who was seen by everyone else. And that feeling of elation and attraction was fleeting. I was over it.

Plus, SZA was reading me for filth in this album. As the first verse of Supermodel drew to a close, I continued to fantasise how I should have told him how I regret ever entraining him because the meant that Jason was forever written off. That meant that there was always a 40% cap on my imagination of what could have happened with Jason. That meant that it was only when it was really dark at night when I knew I was really alone, and I could only hear the sound of air entering and leaving my body, that I yearned for his best friend. That I wished I never destroyed my relationship with Nat for him.