The Secret Life of a Toilet Dweller

Bad Religion

Does anyone still read this lol?

Sorry the V. later uploads xo 

I spent the weekend at home going through every animal documentary on Netflix, and then on Discovery Channel. When that was finished, I went onto BBC IPlayer. Watching animals was the only way to ease my anxiety about these past weekends antics. But every so often I'd remember what I did.

I would get waves of worry about what I did at the house party. Why did I pour the drink on him? In front of his friends. Pouring that drink on the floor of that lovely house. That lovely house in a postcode of London I would never be able to afford. I bet you that floor was real wood as well. I shook my head thinking about how scandalous this news would be at college tomorrow.

I had done what I had tried to actively and ferociously have tried to avoid since I could spell attention, and that was put myself right in the middle of attention at college.

I had put myself the centre of attention with one of the people at college who attracts and swallow attention like a black hole.

How so many girls were going to be gleeful that this was the apparent end of Richard and I. They always thought I was punching with him anyway.

And with Richard.

He must have been so angry.

Something I had tried to ignore for a long time because I knew he was punching with me when it came to personality.

He was drunk though, maybe he would forget that it had happened? But what were the chances of you forgetting that your girlfriend threw a whole drink on you at a party? Even if he drunkenly had forgotten there was groups of people ready to tell him what happened, and someone would have caught the after math of it on Snapchat.

And me.

I was so embarrassed, other than getting all that attention on me I know for a fact my exit was far better in my head that it was in reality. In my imagination, I was a super villain walking away after blowing up a huge building in slow motion with rock music in the background.

I'm sure in reality it was a semi drunken stumbled and me laughing to myself.

I pushed my head into a pillow letting out a loud growl.

I cringed at myself and turned the volume up louder trying to drown out my own thoughts.

I checked my phone for the tenth time in ten minutes.

No messages.

I hadn't spoken to anyone but I didn't want to be paranoid. Levi and I didn't speak every day so maybe it was just one of those times. Maybe he wasn't angry at me too and ignoring me.

Richard hadn't messaged me and I doubt that he would either.

I think we were over?

I don't know.

I didn't know and I was worried and feeling anxious about going back to Sixth Form tomorrow morning. It wasn't going to be fun.

Art wasn't going to be fun.

Being stared at all day, and knowing that you would be the topic of so many conversations was not going to be fun.

In these feelings of anger, regret and anxiety for myself, my brain did what it had to do to protect itself and decided to deflect the blame onto Richard.