The Secret Life of a Toilet Dweller

To Do List: 1, You.

I was over at Josephs. He had invited me to dinner and although I didn’t like any of them, I didn’t want to stay at home either. Paul was sitting on the love seat texting away at someone. Karl was trying to teach Char how to play Fifa and Jo was in the kitchen next door cooking. We could hear him dropping pans and suppressing all sort of profanities. Paul looked at me then bit his lips trying not to laugh. I caught a glimpse of ‘Just Eat’ on his phone.

So this is what my brothers did when they were hiding from home. Sat around playing with Charlotte and eating. Karl gave up trying to teach Char anything. He would say kick the ball, and she would literally kick the air. He put her down turning the TV back on and leaving it on Disney Channel. He turned around giving me his attention.

“Add me in Snapcaht.”

Why would I add him so he can spam me with his eye-squinted, lips pouting pictures? No thanks. I see him take the pictures and that’s enough for me.

“Satiah!” He nudged me with his foot when I didn’t respond. I thought the clear blank expression on my face made it clear I didn’t want to.

“No.” Karl like the spoilt child he was went for my phone. He unlocked it, to my surprise – I didn’t know he knew my pin, and went on the app store. I didn’t have the energy to stop him. I gave him the dirtiest look as he downloaded the Snapchat onto my phone, I didn’t know he knew my apple password as well. He then added himself and handed me back my phone with a smile on his face. I wanted to throw sand in his eyes.

“Dinners done!” Joseph shouted. No one got up. Even Charlotte looked back at me with pity in her eyes. I snickered and decided to be the brave one to go into the kitchen first. I took a seat at the end of the table. Charlotte stood next to me. My eyes awkwardly bounced on and off her. Why was she looking at me. She started to climb me as if my middle name was park. She got comfortable on my lap and placed her hands on the table.

Joseph gave me a look understanding my pure confusion. Me and this yatt were not cool.

“She eats whilst sitting on someone’s lap.” Joseph explained. I nodded not complaining. I moved her softly out of my face. This bush was growing bigger and bigger each time I saw her.

Joseph placed what looked like lasagne in front of my and Char. He had gave me and extra portion as we were sharing. I was proud of him. The fact that I could ever recognise what this was, was a step in the right direction.

“You know that Indian down the road?” Paul asked. Joseph nodded cutting the next piece to serve. “They deliver right?” I stifled my laughter choosing to admire the beauty of the wall. Joseph kissed his teeth but laughed passing Paul his food.

“McDonalds is walking distance don’t worry.” Karl said causing me to giggle.

I rubbed my belly. I was so full. Joseph’s lasagne was so nice I went back for seconds.

And thirds.

Maybe fourths but let’s not get stuck on numbers.

I was laying down on the sofa rubbing my belly watching Barbie with the boys. It was so weird. They were all so hyper-masculine and fit the mould of a ‘man’, right until me or Charlotte came around. Then they would become the sweetest most affectionate men I knew. They were actually sitting down and watching Barbie. They weren’t really watching it, but anytime that Charlotte laughed they would just laugh as well. It was so cute.

“Since when did you have snapchat?” Joseph asked. I shrugged. I didn’t have snapchat because I was going to delete it when I got home.

“How do you know I have it?”