Apathy, and His Smile JIKOOK||

Chapter 40

Nell is too amazing, i love all his songs

Yoongi

He pulled his knees closer to his chest as he watched the fireworks erupt from his window.

Yoongi was alone right now.

Taehyung had left a day ago, and Yoongi found himself feeling incredibly empty. Maybe it was because he had gotten so used to the orange-haired bionics presence.

Or maybe it's because you miss him.

Fuck that. Or maybe just fuck his thoughts for spilling the undeniable truth. His eyes glanced to his phone, which remained untouched on his bedside table. Taehyung said he was going to call, and yet here he was with no phone call hours later than what they had agreed on.
There was no doubt that he was worried for the bionic. He hadn't even told Yoongi what he was going back for. So of course he would fret for him.

"What a waste of time."

Sighing, he fell back onto his bed, and eyed the night sky which was being drowned out by the ongoing fireworks. Finally the new year. Finally...why finally? It wasn't like much would change in this new year, nothing would be different. Nothing would change. Nothing would change.

"...fucking moron, where is he?"

There was an inescapable feeling of remotedness pooling in his chest.
Yoongi held in a breath as the same loneliness he had been feeling before came rising in his throat once again. And paired with the silence of his room, the darkness surrounding him, and the distant roar of the fireworks, he buried his face into his pillow which gradually became soaked in tears.
He was so lonely. Never knowing his place in the world, Yoongi became suddenly enveloped in old thoughts that threatened his existence here in this desolate city, on this desolate planet. And he was reminded of what little importance he really had in this lifetime. He didn't even know what he wanted to do with his life. His friends had their lives, their own families who cherished them. His family...was far away, and hadn't kept in touch with him since be started university.

And for a brief moment, Yoongi had sought out happiness with the bionic by his side. But the coldness besides him was another reminder that this happiness he was feeling, was temporary.
It would always be temporary. And maybe, Taehyung had been a distraction from feeling the emptiness inside of him.

No, that isn't right. Not completely.

His sobs became louder.

You know that isn't right.

Picturing his boxy smile, and his bright hair, Yoongi swallowed as he gripped the quilts, and he clouded his mind with Taehyung. These feelings of seclusion which he had managed to slowly hide away deep inside, were pooling out of his heart and taking over his mind as the endless irrationalities aimed and fired at full force.
He didn't want to think this way. He hadn't even known when or how he had come to have these thoughts. But right now, it wasn't important. Yoongi was alone, and he knew that he always would be.

As his mind slowly started to fade from consciousness, he fell asleep, clutching his pillowcase, while his heart continued to waver.

***
Taehyung

"Shit, I can't any signal."

Clenching his jaw, the bionic shoved his phone into his pocket, and breathed out into the winter air. He said he would call Yoongi hyung, and yet here he was unable to because the countryside offered nowhere near enough bars to ring him.
He leant against the car, and folded his arms as he watched fireworks explode above the city of Seoul.
They were beautiful.

And yet he couldn't even admire the fireworks without picturing his hyung alone on new years eve. Well, new years day. He said he would call. He said he would call, but he can't. Why was he getting so frustrated? He could always call in the morning, there was no harm in that. It wasn't like he was choosing to not call, and yet here he was feeling incredibly...upset. Alone.
And suddenly, a voice from the back of his mind started speaking to him.

You miss him.

His heart sped up.

You miss him, that's why you feel like this.

"What..." What was happening to him? The negative feeling inside his stomach suddenly warped into something that was almost ten times stronger, and he raked his fingers through his hair as he hunched over in a frenzy.

Stop fighting this.

"...ugh..."

You can't fight what you're feeling-

"Fuck off..." What was happening...

You can't catch yourself.

You can't fight this.

You can't deny what's happening.

You are changing.

"...stop-"

You can't catch yourself.

You've fallen too far, too far already.

You can't go back.

"...go away..."

You're a coward-

"STOP! Just stop...go away...please..."

He pressed his lips together, streams of hot tears falling down his cheeks.
He didn't want this. He didn't want this. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to change, he couldn't change. He couldn't accept this, he didn't want to see the unknown, he didn't want this, he never asked for this to happen.

"What the fuck, I didn't ask for this!"

His head spiked up.

"I'm going to take a picture of you."

"Did you hear me or are you deaf? I said get the fuck out before I fire you."

"It looks better on you. When you smile."

Yoongi.

"I suppose seeing you in stupid clothes would be fun."

"I told you not to lie to me didn't I?"

"Friends don't lie to each other."

Yoongi hyung. His voice...Taehyung sucked in a breath, and his grip on his hair loosened slightly. His voice rung out in his ears, like chimes on a summers day. Hyung...

"So tell me what's wrong with you, and I might forgive you."

"Are you coming?"

"Do you want to listen to it or not?"

"Judging from how you're behaving right now, I'm guessing you're already halfway there..."

Taehyung closed his eyes. "...halfway to what?"

"To letting go of what you're holding back."

With his eyes still closed, the bionic breathed out softly as the sounds of fireworks became quieter, and soon, gone from the sky.

"It's fine. I'm fine. You're fine."

"...hyung." The tears didn't stop. He cried, cried his heart out. He knew how messed up he was, how right not, he wasn't who he should be.
As he wept, Taehyung glared up into the sky as the stars enclosed him like a feral animal, twinkling in response like a mockingbird projecting his now distant innocence through a song. Like they were ridiculing him.
Slumping against the car door, the bionic turned his head to his right, the far away city lights beckoning him over. He didn't know who he was. As much as the confusion hurt, he couldn't supress his emotions any longer. All he could see when he gazed into the distance, was his hyung. Yoongi hyung, and his green hair. He had to let go. He had to accept this.

He couldn't lie anymore. He couldn't lie to himself.

____________________________
i'm sorry this is so short

i had to give taegi their chapter, it was much needed