Malec One-shots

Without him

Magnus opened his mouth slightly, rubbing his face. His skin was raw from tears. “Why are you giving this to me?” he asked eventually. The shadowhunter held the book out to him. Her face was bare, without any makeup. She’d cried it all off. “It…it…” she breathed out. “I read it, and well, I think you need it more than we do.” She said, indicating to the book again. “Please… I read it, and I just can’t… bear to have it anymore.” Slowly, he took the book.

“I’m so sorry for what happened.” He said again. Isabelle looked at him blankly, she licked his lips.

“Sorry won’t bring him back.” She whispered, getting up to let herself out.

Magnus held the book in his hands, and slowly, he undid the close, and opened it up. He recognised the handwriting instantly. Alec’s sharp flicks in his Ns and Ms. The way he joined up some of his letters but not all of them. The varying size of his letters, and how his letters sometimes slipped off the line. He knew it so well. His fingers brushed the page, and he squeezed his eyes shut.

He just wanted it to stop. This all to just go away. He’d never wanted anything to just stop. But he wanted Alec to stop being dead. He wanted him back.

He flicked through the book, through the changes of ink, style of handwriting. Then he saw his name, and he stopped.

I’ve ruined everything. That’s all I ever do. I had one opportunity to be happy, one person who loved me and saw me as an equal. Magnus has every right to hate me now. I had no right to try and ask for forgiveness. I never deserved someone like him.

Some of the other words were blotted with drips of water. His tears, Magnus thought to himself.

He flipped the page over, and read another entry.

Magnus never picks up the phone to me. I’ve called him so many times. I just want him to pick up the phone and talk to me. I just want to see him again. I want to tell him I was just so afraid of him leaving me. I just, the thought of him moving on, and being with someone after me, using me up like I didn’t even matter to him, I couldn’t do it. I wanted him to be mine. I’ve never wanted anything in life more than I wanted Magnus. And it tears me apart inside because now we can’t be together. And its all my fault. I could never forgive myself for doing this.

He put the book down. No more. He couldn’t read it. He couldn’t read what he’d done to him. He couldn’t read how numb and broken he’d made him. The Alec he knew was innocent and smart and interesting and had a quirky sense of humour. This Alec, no… he couldn’t do it.

He wanted the pain to go away. He wanted the pain to numb, like it had with Woolsey and Camille, and everyone else. But how could he forget Alexander? How could he forget that man’s voice, his eyes, the angles of his face, the shape of his body. Even now, he could remember in detail the pattern of every rune that covered Alec’s body. His hands shook, and he curled up into a ball. He wanted somebody with him whilst he cried. He wanted Alec back. He wanted him to hold him and tell him it was okay. He just wanted him to come back. But he would never see him again, never touch him again, never kiss him again, never sleep in the same bed as him. And Magnus was paralysed at the thought of all the years to come without Alexander.