“Have Faith In Me” A Day To Remember
I grabbed her shoulders and smiled before I drew my face in, kissing her nose. “Love you,” I muttered. The words had slipped out. She looked momentarily shocked before she smiled and kissed me on the lips.
I couldn’t help but note that she didn’t say it back.
“Can you stop?” She snapped. Her tone was serious, I let my hands drop and stood there awkwardly. She panted from laughing so hard but her eyes were cold, “I don’t like it when you do that.”
I nodded and swallowed. She had been like this for quite some time. Cold. Her walls were up and I hated it. I wanted her to feel free again.
But she seemed to refuse. She refused to be happy.
I sighed and she looked away.
“Camryn?” I asked, my voice was weak and tired.
“What?” The word was quick and short. Snippy.
“I love you.” It was the last shot. I felt more than hopeless.
“Thanks,” she muttered.
I could literally hear my heart breaking. A hurricane seemed to hit, revolting all my thoughts. Voices started playing inside my head like broken records, she didn’t say it, she hates you, she didn’t say it, she hates you. “Do you not love me?” I asked. Why? I was fucking terrified of the answer, yet I still needed to hear it. I was like a kid, I needed to be reassured. She’d said it countless times before. Did they mean anything?
“You know the answer to that,” Camryn said. Her voice was softer.
“Do I?” I asked. I didn’t. “I’m not sure.”
“Of course.”
“What is it?”
Camryn sighed, “Stop whining.”
“I’m not.” I was on the defensive. I felt vulnerable. “I’m being serious. Is this going somewhere, Camryn?” She didn’t say anything. I continued, “Cause if it’s not… I-” I couldn’t finish that sentence. I’d what…? Leave? As if.
“You’d what?” Camryn said, her words sounded like a challenge.
“I’d… please, tell me.” I couldn’t say leave. I’d never leave. It would hurt too much.
“Jared,” she sighed. She looked torn. Maybe there was hope.
“You’ve said it before. Said I love you. Why can’t you say it again? Just one time. I need to hear it. I need to hear it so that I know all the other times you meant it. Did you mean it, Camryn? Did you ever mean it?” My eyes were burning.
She sighed, “I… No.”
And if my heart wasn’t broken before it surely did this time. I had no heart anymore.
It had all been a lie.
All of it.
“Why?” My voice was covered with sobs.
“I… I’m not… I’m not in love with you.” Camryn said. “I can’t love.”
“Bullshit.” I muttered. But I had a feeling it wasn’t. For once, Camryn was being honest.
“I want to love you, Jared. I really do.” She said.
“Then love me!” I cried, tears were blurring everything.
“I… can’t. I’m sorry.” She stood up and dusted herself off- from what I’m not sure. “Bye, Jared.”
“No, Camryn.” I sobbed. “Please,” I took hold of her shoulders and looked deep into her azure eyes. “I… I need you. I love you, please, stay. Stay with me, please. Love me, I can wait… I won’t push you. Please, have faith in me. Have faith in us.”
She shook her head and pushed her hair off her face. She was about to remove her hands, instead I just let them fall to my sides. They hanged limply.
She looked away, “Bye, Jared.”
