His Warrior Queen: A Haikyuu!! Novel (Tsukishima x OC)

Chapter 110: Tsukishima: Where Your Destiny Lies (TW)

(TW: Discussion of suicide)

The first thing Nakano does is separate herself from me, and sit back.  I guess my shock must show on my face, because she immediately gives me a wan smile.  "I'm sorry, Kei, but...for this...I need..."  She sighs deeply.  "If I let you hold me now, I'll feel it too much, and I'll cry, and I'll never be able to get it all out."  Her eyes drop to her lap, and I force myself to settle back, withdrawing the hand I hadn't even realized I was reaching out to her.

"It's alright," I say softly, "whatever you need, Roses."

She takes in another deep breath, and begins speaking in a soft, almost monotone sort of voice.  "So, I've told you all about what happened to me, and how things were when I finally got home from the hospital, and then when Dad had to go back out to sea..."

She's glanced up at me for confirmation, and I nod, trying to give her a little smile.  I feel a chill running up my back that has nothing to do with the temperature of the day, even if the clouds are beginning to roll in.  I try to set that aside though, and focus in on her words.

"It got really rough, once I decided that I simply wasn't going to be able to learn to live with being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.  I did everything I could I to try to convince my mother, my sister, and my doctors that simply accepting this wasn't going to work for me.  I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I screamed, I whined, I cajoled.  I refused to take medicines, I wouldn't take part in therapy - either mental or physical.  I even stopped eating at one point.  Nothing I did seemed to make anyone take me seriously.  If anything, they just seemed to get more annoyed with me for 'acting so childish.'  They all just kept telling me the same thing over and over - eventually, I would get used to it."  She shakes her head, a small, joyless bark of a laugh erupting from her.

"Do you remember, I said that things got so bad that my mom had to take me back to the hospital, and that was when she contacted my dad to come back and deal with me?"  I nod once again, and that thrill of fear shoots up my spine again.  I do indeed remember that phrase...because during our first time on this rock, she seemed to gloss over that moment...a moment that was clearly a pivotal turning point.  I'd always wondered what exactly had happened to bring things to such a head.  I guess now I'll finally find out.  "I guess you wondered what had happened, huh?  What was going on that my mom had me hospitalized again?"  I suppress the chuckle that bubbles up in me as she very accurately reads my mind.  She's always so very good at that, my Naka-chan is.

Her voice is barely there, a strained whisper against the sound of the ocean waves on the rock and the blustery winds coming in to the shore.  And now, her eyes are distant, and whatever it is she's seeing, it isn't the beach, or the rock we're on, or even me.

"I'd reached my limit.  I'd tried so hard to make them understand...that for me, accepting that I'd never be able to walk again when I knew for a fact there was a chance...that there was something that I could try, even if the chance was slim...they didn't know.  They couldn't know.  For me, accepting my situation was tantamount to just drowning myself in the drugs again.  It was the same idea.  Yes, accepting this as a truth would make the pain go away...but it would take me with it.  I was a volleyball player!  I had to be able to move, and I had to get back to being who I was before that miserable day when all this started.  I had to.  Because if I didn't...then I might as well have just stayed the way I was.  Drugged up to the gills and mostly unaware of what was happening to me.  And I'd fought too damn hard to get away from that...to get myself clear of that delusion...I just couldn't go back to that!  I just couldn't.

"I tried.  I did everything I could think of to try to make them listen.  To make them see that I had to do whatever I possibly could - whatever it took - even if there was almost no chance at all, I at least had to try.  I had to do anything and everything I possibly could do to move in a direction that would lead me back to being on a volleyball court again someday.  But what good was the opinion of a thirteen year old girl compared to the knowledge of four adults...well, three adults and one older sister who pretty much felt she was an adult...especially compared to me.  And especially since it was always Mom and Ama against Naka-chan and Dad - and now Mom and Ama had a doctor and a therapist on their side.  And Dad wasn't there...so I had to fight all alone...and I...I just..."