His Warrior Queen: A Haikyuu!! Novel (Tsukishima x OC)

Chapter 72: Nakano: Save Me

I knew this was coming.  I knew it.  I've known...almost since the beginning.  He told me about the 'another Tsukishima versus another Tiny Giant' thing pretty early...I think it was only about a month or so after we'd officially started dating.

And then, when he lost it at the roller skating party, I knew.  I knew it wouldn't be much longer before something happened that made him see red and just completely lose himself to the jealousy.

I thought I'd prepared myself.  I knew it was coming, I'd thought about it.  About what I'd need to do, what I'd need to say.  How best to help him, to guide him through what he was feeling, to help him see that I love him and only him, and that Hinata cannot take me away from him, no matter what.

But when it finally happened, all my preparation went out the window, and I got pissed.

Dammit, how can he still not realize?  How can he not trust me after all we've been through!?  I love him, the stupid idiot, and yet he still lost his damn marbles over Hinata giving me a hug and a peck on the cheek!  Dammit, Kei, don't become a jealous idiot like Oikawa.  You're better than he is!  

I'm trying to remind myself as I walk that Kei is not Oikawa, and that his jealousy stems from his own perceived inadequacies.  That it's not that he doesn't trust me, it's that he doesn't think he's good enough to keep me around.

It's not helping.  I'm already halfway home, and I'm still shaking with anger.  

I wasn't kidding when I told Kei I simply could not talk to him right now.  I'm trying to be reasonable.  I'm trying to be rational, to talk myself down, to think clearly.  All I want to do is scream and rage at the sky.  It's taking most of my will to not haul off and begin shouting at the top of my lungs.

Dear gods, save me.  Save me from myself.

When I saw him running at Hinata, he looked insane.  I don't even think he realized I was there anymore.  All he could see was his rival, and all he knew was wanting to crush him.  If he'd have landed that punch to Hinata's face, he might even have broken Shoyo's nose.

All my planning, all my rational, logical ideas, all my clever plans to deal with this - pointless.  In the moment, all I could do was place myself in front of him to shield his intended target.

I think he split my lip.  Stupid, stupid jackass!  Dammit Kei, why?  Why is it like this for you?  What do I have to do to make you understand that you are already so much more than I deserve?  That you are more than enough, just as you are?  Damn idiotic fool!

Pfft, am I talking about Kei, or myself?  I'm such an idiot.  How the hell am I supposed to help him if I can't even talk with him?  

Yeah, my lip is bleeding.  Somehow, that knowledge just makes me angrier.  

In a weird, twisted way, my inability to do anything other than fling my body in front of Kei's foolishly raised fist might have actually been a good thing.  The look that crossed his face as he realized he was going to hit me and not Hinata was devastating.  Well, I did know he'd likely have to hit rock bottom before he could start climbing out and actually dealing with this whole jealousy thing.  I'm pretty sure he's got to be feeling like he's at rock bottom at the moment.  He still had the presence of mind to open his fist - thank the gods - so at least he sort of slapped me and didn't seriously punch me.

Still, I'd imagine he feels pretty horrible at the moment, judging by that look on his face and the sound of his voice as I left.

I feel a pang of guilt at that, but also far too much satisfaction to call myself a good girlfriend.  Definitely not able to talk to him right now.  I am a complete jerk.  How the hell is it that Kei doesn't think he's worthy of me?  I don't know who I'm angrier at - Kei for losing himself to his jealousy so completely, or me for being unable to rein in my own anger and help the man I supposedly love so much.