His Warrior Queen: A Haikyuu!! Novel (Tsukishima x OC)

Chapter 75: Tsukishima: Never Meant to Cause You Sorrow or Pain

I'm headed back to my house at a steady run.

I thought this day would never end.  A couple more of the guys ended up telling me how I was such a hero for saving Nakano.  

I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with that every time someone says it.  By the time practice was winding down, I was so ready to get the heck out of there and go home.  I practically ran out of the gym, and I was halfway through changing my clothes before Yamaguchi even made it into the club room.  I threw him this look of desperation and he just laughed, holding out his hand to me.  I knew he'd understand.  I gave him everything I had in my wallet towards the bouquet for Nakano, and bolted.  As I left, a discussion was beginning about who would be bringing the the flowers to Naka-chan.  I guess it might have been smart for me to do it, as I live nearest to her, but I just couldn't stand the thought of waiting another minute.  My mother has demanded that I come home for dinner tonight, so I'm on my way to that, and as soon as she lets me, I'm going back to Nakano's house.  Her doctor's appointment was earlier this afternoon, and I really want to know what he had to say.  

My mom insists on making me tell the tale of what's happened over the past several days for the third time, and she's getting the short shrift on this deal, because I just don't want to keep talking about this.  At least my mom doesn't compliment me on my supposedly heroic actions.  She does say that it was a good thing I followed Nakano on her run.  The words settle in my gut and squirm there, making me feel sick.  I can't help but feel that if I hadn't fucked up so royally in the first place, Nakano wouldn't have ever even gone for that run.

Ugh, I don't want to go to Nakano's feeling upset like this.  I ask my mom about her day, letting her vent about work and life in general and just giving myself some space to breathe.  Nakano has enough to deal with right now, she shouldn't have to deal with me being a sourpuss.  Mom is on a roll, grousing about the idiots she works with.  I slowly get my breathing back under control, and the knot in my stomach slowly releases as I calm down.  At some point, I must have shut my eyes, because they snap open when my mom asks "Feeling better, Kei?"

"Uh...Mom, I..."

"It's alright, honey.  I understand.  But you should not be blaming yourself for what happened."

"Really?  Then who is to blame?  Because none of this would have happened if I hadn't gone off halfcocked and tried to slug my teammate.  So I think that pretty much lays all the blame for this right at my feet."  All of that tension I tried so hard to let go of is back with a vengeance.  Thanks a lot, Mom.

"Kei, you don't know that.  You're linking together events that aren't necessarily linked.  You can't know for sure that Nakano wouldn't have gone for a run at sunset on Sunday just because she felt like it.  You didn't cause this.  But thank goodness you were there to stop the worst from happening.  Don't blame yourself for things that aren't entirely in your control, Kei."

Well that brings me up short.  I say that to Nakano all the time.  Am I really doing the same thing?

"Have you asked Nakano how she feels?  Does she think this is all your fault?"

Of course she doesn't.  She never would.  Even if she should.  Even if it is.

"Kei, talk to her.  Apologize if you must, but listen to what she says afterwards.  I'm pretty sure you're not listening to me, so I'm hoping maybe if she says it, you'll finally hear it."

I don't say anything.  Honestly, I don't know what to say.  My mother is looking at me with concern on her face.  I don't mean to upset her, but I just can't help feeling like this.  Mom stands up and hugs me as I sit at the table, squeezing me tight around my shoulders.  "Mom, I...I'm sorry if I..."