let it hurt, let it go |Bucky Barnes|

Chapter 68

Loud rumbling of tyres outside the house made my heart speed up. Even after resting for about twenty minutes, I was still feeling just the same. Exhausted, emotionally drained and numb.

A sound of footsteps, quickly moving down the wooden porch got interrupted by the sound of opening and closing front door. I could hear that someone had a short, quiet conversation in the hall but I couldn't really hear what they were saying.

As it all got quiet again, a much slower footsteps were getting closer to the living room and soon enough I knew that I wasn't alone anymore.

I knew who it was and I just couldn't make myself open my eyes. I knew that as soon as I would see Bucky ... I would break again.

I could practically feel it when he stopped by the couch I was resting on and the slight blowing on my skin made me assume that he sat on the floor by my side, so close that I could feel his breath on my skin.

I felt a sudden rush of warmness spread over my body when he carefully put his hand on my red, dry cheek. His thumb slowly traced over my skin and I could hear him let out a deep breath.

"I know you're awake Mia." Bucky said with a soft and calming yet slightly raspy voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I mumbled before slowly opening my eyes, almost immediately locking them with his.

My heart shattered at the sight of his slightly swollen and puffy eyelids. However, as soon as our eyes made a contact, a slight genuine smile formed on his lips and his eyes sparkled while he slowly moved some hair of my face.

"How did you know though?" I asked quietly, not being able to look away from him.

"I know my girl." he chuckled slightly and casually shrugged before pressing a soft kiss on the upper side of my hand that was still resting on my tummy.

Well shit. The breaking point. That was the moment when my eyes started filling up with tears once again.

Bucky clearly noticed that, carefully and thoughtfully he bit his bottom lip before speaking up again. "What I don't know is ... why? Where did you go? If I did something wrong you could've just told me so I could at least try to fix it." his voice was determined but soft and gentle, making it clear that he wasn't mad, he was just deeply worried.

As I would be if the same thing happened the other way around. Completely understandable.

And I felt even more horrible after I realised that he spent last few hours blaming himself for no actual reason. He always blamed himself. I should've known better and talked to him right away.

But let's be honest... at the first few moments of shock, deep sadness and the horrible feeling of guilt that followed after I got the worst news a pregnant woman can get ... I couldn't think or act as I probably should've or how I would if I was able to think straight. How could I? No one ever prepared me for this kind of situation and no one ever could. I genuinely believed that Bucky would never be able to forgive me and that I would lose him forever.

My reaction was what felt the best for me at that moment, and one day, when I look back, I hope I will be able to accept it as a part of my grieving.

Anyway, slowly I sat up, so now I was the one looking down at him. He leaned his forearms on my thighs and slightly tilted his head to the side, patiently looking up at me and waiting if I was going to say something.

I took a deep breath and was feeling ready to speak up without immediately starting to sob again. However, when I looked at his eyes for one more time I couldn't keep it in anymore. While sobbing even harder than before, he pulled me into a tight hug and let me rest my forehead on his shoulder.