Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.95. Hell and Back

Celeste

It's been two days since Stella was born and we were finally going home. It's been a long two days but it's been such a enriching experience. I've learned a lot in my few days as a mother. How to care for my daughter and how to work with her. I feel like her and I are on the same page and that we're going to get through it just fine. Being a mom felt natural to me but I also have two of the greatest mothers out there looking over me. My mom and Laurie have been heaven sent since they got here. I certainly would have lost my mind without them. But they won't always be here and I'm going to have to figure it out.

"You look pretty" Anthony tells me as I swing my legs off the hospital bed. I give him a playful glare as he just smiles.

"You're lying, but I appreciate it" I admit. Certainly didn't feel pretty.

"I'm not. And you're welcome" he jokes.

He walks around and softly grabs my face. He pulls me into a kiss and I instantly felt better.

"I don't know if I'm ready for this" I whisper.

"For what" he wonders.

"All of it. I know I will do anything for that little girl. Move mountains, jump in front of a bullet. Anything. But god I'm so scared that I can't be what she needs me to be" I admit.

"I think you'll be more" he starts. I lift my head up as he cups my chin. "If I learned anything these past few days is that you are the strongest person I know. After everything you have been through you aren't just surging. You're thriving. This time last year you were fighting for your life, and now you are living the best life. Only because you were strong enough to look yourself in the mirror and decide that the way you were living wasn't where you were supposed to be. And now you're here with me, a college educated designer with a beautiful little girl and a smoking hot boyfriend that loves you more than anything" he teases making me smile.

"I am happy that she's here now. We have a while before you have to run off and we get to do this. Together" I say.

"I'm by your side, always" he promises.

By 3 on we were all packed and I changed into street clothes. I have to wear my adult diapers for a while so no jeans and stuff like that but it was nice to be out of the hospital gowns.

We head to the nursery to pick up Stella and she was ready to go. She was given a clean bill of health and wouldn't need to be back until her next checkup. So I pick her up as she wakes up from a nap. Her eyes find me and even though I know she is still learning her way around this world she recognizes me. I softly run my thumb across her chubby cheeks and smile. She was such a sight to behold. Amy made her a onesie that said "a star was born" in rose gold and had little grey stars all over it. She honestly looked absolutely adorable in it and I'm going to find a hard time putting her in something else.

I get her in the car seat and all strapped in. My mom and Anthony's parents were already at the apartment waiting for us. Now I just had to make it there without crying because I love her so much. Anthony drives while I sit in the back with her. She gets fussy when she thinks Anthony or I wasn't around so I let her hold my finger. Her little ones wrap around me making my heart thud against my chest. Her mere existence made me the happiest person in the world and I thought it was pretty cool.

Roughing it through the bad days was the exact reason I wanted a child. I wanted to feel like someone was happy I was here. I wanted someone to look at me not as a object but as someone who means everything to me. And now I have two people who think of me like that and I was so thankful. I was right, a child was exactly what I needed but having a kid with him would have been a nightmare. We would have each other but neither me nor the baby would have been happy. Doesn't make what I let happen any easier to swallow but now I have the peace of mind that we're going to be just okay. 

We get home and Anthony carries her up. I wasn't really well enough for lifting and so much in me is torn just getting to the elevator was a task. But we make it up and inside safely. Our parents got us a celebratory cake and some deli sandwiches because that's all I wanted. I let Stella get passed around by the grandparents while I get my strength back. Once I was full and Stella decided it was time to eat herself I take her into her room. Anthony got the crib in our room set up so I know Stella won't be in here as much as she should. But it's still nice to have.

I sit in the swing chair Anthony had put in here all that time ago. Never did we imagine it would be in a nursery but here we are. I start to feed her and I couldn't take my eyes off her. She stares back at me just making me smile. She was so new to this world but all she knew was love. And I'm going to keep it that way as long as I can. Stella will only know of a mother who went through hell and back just to have her and a father who loves her more than he has ever loved anything.

I hear a knock on the door and I assure the person they can come in. I see Anthony appear and I smile big. "Hey baby, how are you doing" he wonders.

"I'm good. She was really hungry" I admit as I look down. She was still staring up at me with those crazy blue eyes.

"Are you still hungry? We have the rest of your sandwich out there. I can pack it up for later or bring it to you if you want" he assures me.

"I'll finish it later" I assure him.

"Okay. Do you need anything right now" he asks.

"I can use a kiss" I smile.

He happily leans over and gives me a kiss. His large hand resting under Stella head a she looks over her. 

"I love you guys" he reminds us.

"We love you too" I promise.