Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.82. Lost Years

Celeste

Today would have been James and I's 6 year wedding anniversary. And I know what you're thinking, I should be celebrating the fact that I am free of him. I should be happy that he is locked away and he can't hurt anyone anymore. And in many ways I am glad to be free of him, I'm elated that he will finally have to answer for his actions. I'm happy he can't force his will on people like me or his teammates or his assistants.

But part of me dreads this day because it didn't even take five years of marriage for everything to fall apart. We barley made it past half a decade before we couldn't stand each other. And it feels like part of it is my fault. I get that marriage only brought out what was always in him but at the same time it's what I wanted. That wedding was a dream, the life we made was a good one, even if it was only for a little while. We were so young. We had so much to learn and I feel like I failed. I couldn't handle being a good wife. Somewhere between "I do" and "I can't anymore" I let things get bad. I ignored the signs, I lied to myself. I had a hand in everything that went wrong.

And part of me misses those easy days. Our one year anniversary was fun and the two year anniversary was fine. By year three I noticed things were going bad and year four I wanted out. Those were supposed to be the best years of my life and I spent them detesting the man I promised to love and to hold until death do us part. It's not good to live with regret, but on this August day I can't help but think about where I went wrong.

Anthony continues to sleep beside me but I couldn't seem to find the peace to go back to bed. So I decide to throw on some clothes and go for a walk. It was about 7 in the morning and no one was really out yet. Summertime is for sleeping in but I have such a uneasy feeling and it isn't Ella in my stomach. It was regret and guilt that comes from years of biting my tongue and faking a smile.

I find a park bench to sit at and decide to rest. I still have a lot of energy but I get tired quicker these days. So I relax a little where I can see solider field. I hate how much I missed being there, the games, the boxes, the food. Don't get me wrong, Wrigley was top of the line, that is home now. But those were my golden days, running around with my friends knowing I had the coolest guy in town on my ring finger. I was so naive, I miss not knowing what I know. By this anniversary I imagined I had a kid or two and I would be happy. And that much is true. But it's only because James isn't around anymore.

After a while I return home. It was time to come back and I was getting hungry. I find Anthony running around the apartment before he stops in the middle of the living room.

"You're okay" he says and I look at him weird.

"Why wouldn't I be okay" I ask him.

"I don't know. I couldn't find you and you didn't have your phone with you so I thought the worst" he claims.

"I left you a note that said I was going for a walk" I tell him.

"You did" he gasps.

I reach over and grab the sticky note from his chest. He just shakes his head as a soft sigh passes his lips. "Well that's not helpful now" he teases.

"I'm fine" I promise him.

"You know I don't believe that" he accuses. "You only go on walks when you're trying to get away from something. But if you don't think you can talk to me about that it's fine" he tries.

"It's not that I don't want to talk to you. I just don't know what to say" I defend.

"About what" he wonders as he slips his hands in mine. I feel his fingers get tangled with mine as he pulls me closer until the only thing between us was the baby.

"Today would have been James and I's six year anniversary" I tell him. His face falls as he tries to figure out what I'm feeling.

"Do you miss him" he asks me.

I freeze for a moment before I shake my head. "Not him. I miss being young and careless with him. I miss the sundays I would spend tossing around a football and drinking. No one cared what I looked like, what I said or did. I was free" I explain.

"You feel trapped with me" he asks somberly.

"No baby, not at all. I just... I wasted a lot of innocence and happiness in that marriage. I had these dreams of where I would be six years after I said I do and I never could have imagined the pain that found me. The broken trust and heartache. I feel... sad not because it didn't work out but because I lost so much of myself because it didn't work out" I say.

"I'm sorry, is there anything I can do" he asks me with one of those cheesy smiles.

"Can I have a hug" I ask.

"Of course sweetie" he assures me.

He pulls me into his chest and I feel my eyes get watery. So I slam them shut trying to shut everything out again. I feel his hands start to rub my back and it did help. I'm thankful that I get to spend this anniversary with him and not James. I just hate how much I had to lose to get here. So much of my life was wasted, it was in vain. And I'm better off now but days like today are still hard. It's impossible not to think about what might have been. To think about what life would be like if I was good enough for him. But I'll never know where that path will lead, for it is taken over by weeds and mud. Now I have a clear path lined with beautiful flowers and all the stars I can count in the sky above me.

"I love you Callie" he whispers in my hair and I smile.

"I love you too baby" I assure him.