Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.31. Nothing

Celeste

Now that it's October football season is in full swing. Part of me doesn't want to say anything to James about our relationship because he is in season. But I also know that his needs are not more important than mine. I have taken a back seat to this game for his sake for going on a decade now. I have put my entire life on hold for him, he could hear me out for a little.

I didn't want to leave the football atmosphere and the girls I've become friends with there but I couldn't keep acting life my life is anything besides terrible either. Each fake smile I force upon my face kills me a little more every time. And I'm no actress, I can only hide so much. Everyone already had their theories, I hear the whispers. I'm not trying to ruin this mans career but I also don't want to ruin my whole life so he can play a game with no remorse for what happens to me.

We sit at dinner one night and I just watch him eat. It was completely silent as I push the salad from one side to the other.

"Do I make you happy" I ask him and he lets out a frustrated sigh as he tosses his fork onto the plate.

"Seriously? You want to do this right now" he asks.

"I just want to know why you're so insistent on keeping me around if I don't make you happy" I defend.

"Of course you make me happy" he tries.

"Then why do you cheat on me" I accuse.

"I don't cheat" he claims.

"Why do you lie? I just want to know why. The question isn't whether or not you do these things, because you do. The question is why. Why do you cheat? Why do you keep changing things about me to fit your mold? You're obviously not happy with me the way I am, so why do you force me to stay when neither of us are happy with me being here" I ask.

He just sits there as he stares at me with those devil eyes. He picks up his fork again and starts to eat completely ignoring my plea for answers. But I'm afraid I already knew.

I excuse myself from the table and go up to the rooftop. I look out over this beautiful city trying to figure out where I went wrong. Not too long ago I was so happy, I loved going to games and I loved this city. But then slowly I realized my kindness was now a weakness. My want to make him happy made me unhappy. Soon enough nothing I did was good enough for him. That feeling was the worst one, thinking you're not good enough. Pretty enough.

I wasn't enough.

I hear the door open to the rooftop and I know it was him. I didn't want it to be him but it was always him.

"Come inside, it's getting cold" he tells me.

"I don't want to come inside" I assure him.

"What do you want then" he questions.

"I just want to know why you keep me around? What do you gain from this relationship" I wonder.

He sits down next to me and rests his hand on my thigh. "I love you" he tries.

"Bull shit" I accuse. "I just want you to be truthful for once in your life. I'm supposed to be the one person in your life you can tell anything and you tell me nothing. Constantly you give me nothing" I say.

"I've given you everything" he argues.

"I'm not talking about clothes and a place to live. I mean you give me no worth, no love, no compassion, nothing" I say.

"We have sex all the time" he tries.

"And then you go and screw other girls. Our sex life isn't compassion or love if that's what you're trying to say. Not when you can turn around and do the same with with other people" I defend.

"I-" he starts before a frustrated sigh passes his lips. "It's always been you Celeste. Since we were in high school I always wanted you. I asked you to come to college with me then brought you to Chicago. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't think I would want to stay with you."

"Relationships aren't supposed to stay the same, they're supposed to grow. And you use me for whatever you want and I feel like this relationship isn't what it's supposed to be" I admit.

"What do you want it to be" he wonders and I look at him.

"You actually care" I question.

"I'm saying that if you could fix us, what would you do" he asks.

"I don't think there is fixing us James. How do I put together pieces of a puzzle when you keep changing the pieces every time it displeases you? Huh? The piece don't fit together anymore" I try.

"So what? You want a divorce" he questions.

I sit there silent because I knew the answer, and it's not one he likes. "I'm not letting you leave. You have been here by my side since the start. Why would want to give up on that" he asks.

"Why would I fight for something that brings me so much pain" I counter. "You realize that I haven't been happy for years? I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed being in your presence. I am suffering and you can't even see it. I'm not fighting for that."

"If this is such a problem then why are you just now saying something" he questions.

"Because I finally found the strength to. I have been reminded that my life should be one worth living and not as a side a character" I explain.

"It's Anthony, isn't it" he accuses.

"Not entirely, no. But that is part of it" I tell him.

"I knew it! Ever since he showed up you've changed" he tries.

"Don't even try to blame this on him I've wanted out since way before he was a part of the picture. He just helped me realize how mistreated I was and that I deserve better" I say.

"You're not going to find better than me" he claims.

"I already have. But I'm not with him, I'm stuck here with you" I sigh.

"You can't leave me right now" he tells me.

"Why not" I ask.

"Because I said so. Wait until the season ends and I'll let you go" he claims.

"You don't own me" I scoff.

"As of right now, I do. And your mom might be better and off of her own, but you're still in my house with my last name eating my food and wearing my clothes, therefore you're living by my rules. I'm not getting my season messed up because you're being selfish" he claims.

"It's selfish for me to want to be treated like I am my own person? I can dress myself and I can feed myself all my own but you won't let me. You won't let me go see my friends or even have them. I don't deserve this" I beg.

"I can't let you leave" he tells me.

I look back up to the sky as I choke back tears. I know that if I just wait this out he will let me leave. No matter what he's going to be a pain in the ass about it.

"Why can't you just let me go" I whisper.

"Because as far as you and everyone else is still concerned, you're still mine" he says.