Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.27. Love Is Blind

Celeste

Sometimes in our life we become torn. Torn between what is and what we want. Between what we need to do and what we want to do. And it's honestly one of the worst places to be, stuck between two things when the obvious right answer is the one that hurts the most.

That's where I find myself, stuck between what I wanted and what I dreamed about and what was really happening in real life. And the sad fact was that I lived in a reality where I created something that was real, but it wasn't obtainable. I have feelings for a man who was a perfect match for me, who cares for me and makes it his mission to make me smile. I found someone who takes all my insecurities and throws them out the window. He makes me feel safe and happy and... and loved.

But he wasn't mine, he's everything I dreamed about but he wasn't mine. And at the rate we were going I don't see this ending in any way besides pain. And not the pain we know from being together when we know we shouldn't be. But the pain that comes with having to be apart when we want to be together.

I text Anthony to meet me by the ice cream shop we always end up at. He finds me quickly with that big smile on his face. As happy as always. He pulls me into a tight hug and it made what I was about to do that much harder.

"It's so good to see you" he says in my ear and I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't want to lead him on any longer so I just had to break it to him.

"We can't see each other anymore" I say and his face falls. I see his eyes start to get glassy and my heart just shatters.

"Don't say that" he begs.

"Anthony I love you. I love you more than I ever loved James, more than I ever will. And it sucks seeing you and knowing that you and I can never be. It breaks me every time you leave me and I can't come with you. The pain I feel when I look into your eyes and see everything I want, everything I need, then have to let you go. It's more than I can bare" I tell him.

"And how do you think I feel, huh" he asks. "I get up every day and I sit in my bed and I think of you. I sit there and think to myself how much better my life would be if I woke up with you next to me. If I could show you how much I love you every chance I get. I think about how my mom would love you, about having a family with you. You don't think this doesn't kill me inside too?"

I just stand there as tears come to my eyes. Part of me hoped he didn't love me back so then this wouldn't be this hard. But most of me knew he did.

"Do you really think we can continue on like this? Seeing each other knowing we're in love but acting like we're not" I challenge.

"I don't know" he admits.

"There's not much I know about real love. In high school I didn't know what that meant and by the time I got to college puppy love was all I knew. It was fun but it was dangerous, reckless, not strong enough to support any hardships.

And then I met you and I fell in love the way every girl dreams. I got lost in your eyes and I never found my way out. You we're everything I prayed for and more. Every time I lost my faith you came just in the knick of time and showed me that there is good reasons to keep going. And you were the best reason.

But unless you can promise me that these feelings mean something outside of my dreams I don't see how we can continue to be around each other knowing that I'm in love with someone who isn't my husband" I say.

"What do you expect me to do Celeste? To forget about you? To act like the love I have for you isn't the best thing I've ever known? To ask a man to supress his love for a woman is to ask him to take away the best part of him. I don't want to do that" he argues.

"Then what are we supposed to do? Sneak around knowing that neither of us will ever truly be happy when we're apart? What kind of life is that?

It's not that I don't want to love you anymore and it's not like I don't want your love. It's that you sitting here waiting for me and me sitting at home wishing I was with you isn't good. It sucks and it would be so much easier if we didn't do this anymore" I argue.

"Easier isn't the best way" he reminds me.

"It's not. But for now, I think it's the only way" I insist.

I see a tear fall onto his cheek and I physically felt like my heart was ripped out and thrown in front of a train. I reach over and softly wipe it away. "I'm so sorry" I whisper as I cup his cheek.

"Me too" he replies softly.

"I just hope you know, my love for you is the greatest thing I've ever known" I say.

"It doesn't have to end" he begs.

"My love for you will never end" I promise.

I reluctantly let him go and walk away. He grabs my hand not with the intent to hurt me or restrict me, but to let me know he wasn't ready to let me go.

"I'm not giving up on you" he says.

"That's only going to bring you more pain, can't you see that" I ask.

"I refuse to see it that way" he claims.

"Then love really is blind, huh" I tease.

"I can't let you go" he tries.

"You have to" I insist.

With that he finally lets me go. I walk back to the apartment complex but before I get in I turn around. I shouldn't have, I should have kept my head down and kept going. But I turn back anyway and I see him still standing there. Tears stain his face making me want so bad to just turn back and run into his arms.

But I don't, because that would just make things worse. This might not be the best idea but I know for a fact that I cannot keep living in the fear that everything I want most can be taken away from me once James finds out.