Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.69. What Could Have Been

Celeste

My life seemingly never wants to get any easier. Since I was young I always struggled with time management and keeping my head on straight and anxiety. It's crazy how the anxiety often times gets the best of me. When I was younger it was school, once I started playing competitive soccer that triggered my anxiety sometimes, then it was my relationship and just being a good person in general. Now it's all those things together and more. Anxiety was one of those things I could never seem to get a hold of.

And now more than ever I was worrying about things I couldn't really change. I wanted to meet the baby now but that isn't possible. This is a long journey I'm about to be on and it won't get any easier. But I was excited to keep moving forward.

Today Anthony decided to have a little fun and we were going to play soccer out in a park. I haven't played in a while but I think I still got it. As long as I'm not doing anything crazy it was safe for me to mess around and have some fun without it hurting the baby. Anthony wanted to see what I was like back in the days and soccer meant a lot to me. Like what baseball meant to him now. I was good at it and maybe if I lived for myself I could be playing here in Chicago for the woman's soccer team instead of always going to watch others play. I guess we will never know. I'm good with just watching Anthony play, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't really excited for this.

"Alright soccer girl show us what you got" Anthony says as he kicks the ball he just bought to me. I dribble it between my feet as a smile comes on my face. It has been so long, I missed this. There's no better feeling than a soccer ball between my feet.

"This is a really good soccer ball. Where did you get it" I wonder.

"The one I got from Dicks earlier was a little flat so brought the one I'm not really supposed to play with. I actually got this from the Chicago Fire. I gave them a baseball and they gave me this" he explains.

"Oh lucky! You've been to a Fire game" I pout.

"I have. And I'll have to get you out to a game, I know you'll love it" he claims.

We play for a little while longer before he needed a break. We brought plenty of drinks as he takes a few sips to finish off his whole gatorade. And he was the professional athlete here...

"You're really good at soccer, I feel like you would have been great" he claims.

"I could have done a lot of things that never happened. I could have gone to the college I wanted to. I could have met different people and lived a full life never wondering where I went wrong. Maybe I could have gone pro. Maybe I could have ended up playing here and I could have met you and I wouldn't be so worried about cutting you with all these broken pieces I'm left picking up" I say.

"It sucks that you never got to see what you could have done. Who knows, maybe you guys still could have great together but you as your own person" he tries.

"Women like me are praised for giving up their dreams for the ones we love. They applaud us for leaving school early and not taking jobs and just being a pawn in these guys' games. But sacrifice shouldn't mean losing everything we are to be in order to fit the mold. Sacrifice is me making time for both and still being everything I planned to be.

No one tells you that in this business. It's "help him after a hard game", "support him when he's doing good". "Make the food", "start a family", "don't step out and don't speak up". What people expect of the girlfriends and wives are ridiculous, it's inhuman. If we do what we want we're bad people but if we sit by and be supportive we're just us using them? I mean how do I win" I question.

"Well it starts with finding the right guy" he teases as I shake my head. Of course he starts with that. "Because a real man knows that the perfect girl isn't someone who waits on him hand and foot. It isn't someone who never makes mistakes and who's only personality trait is being with them. No one really enjoys those kinds of situations as you know. Both of you end up getting hurt and no one wins.

You win by realizing love is the most important thing, but it isn't the only thing. The things that make you who you are, your dreams outside of the relationship and your favorite things and your quirks. Those things should be celebrated, not thrown out the window. If you ask me relationships are better when both people are extraordinary and no one has to suppress who they are" he explains.

"And where have you been all my life" I tease as he just smiles at me.

"I guess I wouldn't have known these things if I didn't meet you the way you did. Neither of us knew what was going to come of this. Hell, we still don't. Things are constantly changing and I'm still learning. I just hope I can help others in the way I wish I could have helped you. Something like your situation happened right under my nose, with someone I considered a good friend. A teammate. And I chose not to see the bad, I chose not to see how much his wife was hurting because I didn't want to believe that something like that could happen.

But it happened to them and it happened to you. I can't keep denying these things because I don't want to believe people I think are like me are capable of these things. It starts with something we don't ever think will amount to anything, like James asking you to come to college with him. Then all of the sudden you have to give up soccer then leave college early and everything falls apart. I know I can't stop things from happening but if I can get people to open their eyes sooner then I don't know, maybe there's one less story like yours out there" he insists.

"Well it's not all that bad. I think my story has turned around and maybe I have a happily ever after after all" I say as I grab his hand. I lace my fingers through his as he pulls me close.

"I think so too" he smiles.