Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.67. Opening Up

Anthony

In the short amount of time Celeste and I have been together we've had it pretty good. We don't fight and we try to keep things open so things don't go unsaid. Communication wasn't always easy after she's hid her feelings for so many years but we figure it out together. I admittedly struggle with it too, through everything we always find a way.

But we're human and sometimes communication isn't that easy. Unfortunately for Celeste she wears her thoughts on her face and not on her lips. When something happens she shuts down and it's hard to get her to open up. Like one of those pistachios that's forever stuck in its shell until something too powerful forces it to crack open. And if I'm not careful Celeste will crack under pressure and I might lose her.

I can see in her face something is eating at her. She's usually bubbly and loud and now she's silent and dark. She walks on glass around me and I couldn't figure out why. I don't want to call her out because that'll upset her more and then the both of us are frustrated. But I also can't watch her walk around the kitchen not saying a word and sleeping most of the day away. Missing games and not answering me. It's slowly killing the both of us and I can't let whatever is happening come between us.

So I order us some breakfast in bed and have it sent to my apartment. I place everything on a tray and bring it into the bedroom. Slowly I wake her up then place the tray in her lap. She gives a sad smile as she looks at the goodies I ordered. All of our favorites sat right in front of us.

"What's this for" she wonders.

"I'm hoping this will butter you up so you'll tell me what's happening with you" I admit. Her face quickly falls as she looks away. "I know whatever this is must be bad for you to shut me out like you have since I got back from my trip. But I don't want this to get too far and for it to bring us to a point where we fall apart. I'm not going to let that happen" I promise.

"I don't know what to tell you" she says softly.

"We can start with the truth then go from there" I insist.

She lets out a long breath she had to be holding in this whole time. Her eyes find me once again giving me this uneasy feeling.

"I'm-" she starts before her voice cuts out. "I'm pregnant" she whispers.

My eyes nearly pop out of my head as my heart bangs against my chest. I didn't want to seem so surprised and make her feel bad but this is the last thing I was expecting her to say.

A smile quickly finds its way onto my face as I sit back on the bed. I run my fingers through my hair trying to make sure my ears weren't playing a trick on me.

"We're gonna have a baby" I ask.

"I said I'm pregnant. I'm not sure what to do with that information" she claims.

"You want an abortion" I ask carefully. A soft sigh passes her lips as she shakes her head.

"No. I never want to go through that again. I can't. But I don't know if I'm ready to raise a kid either" she tries.

"So what other option is there" I ask.

"Adoption" she says barley above a whisper. I just look at her weird as I try to figure her out.

"I'm confused" I admit. "You don't want to keep our baby? You don't think this is something that you should talk to me about before you start throwing these things around" I question.

"We're talking now, aren't we? I wasn't making any decision before talking to you. And when this was a possibility last year it was my body my choice and now that you're involved it's not" she asks.

"Of course it is" I argue.

I pause for a moment because I know if I don't it won't end well. So I take a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.

"All I'm saying is that we both wanted this and by some miracle it happened. Do you think you could really have our baby and give it to someone else? You sat there and told me things you couldn't tell anyone because it was hard for you. But you trusted me and I trusted you when I said I wanted someone like you to be the mother of my child. I meant that. And you wanted someone who will know nothing but your love. You meant that too.

So I don't get how this can mean anything besides us raising our child together.

Maybe we're not ready. Maybe this isn't what we need right now. Maybe we won't be the parents we want to be.

But you can't tell me we wouldn't raise a wonderful kid together. You can't sit here and tell me we can't start a family because we're scared. Our dreams are supposed to scare us" I insist.

I see her eyes get glassy as she finally looks back up at me. They were that stormy blue that comes around when she's scared. And I know she was. She had no good experiences with pregnancy and she doesn't know what to do. She has any option she wants but I want to be a part of that decision too.

"I'm worried that I won't be that mother you described. I'm scared that I'm going to let you down and I'm gonna let the baby down. You're gone a lot Anthony, all it's going to have is me for days at a time. And what if that's not enough" she whispers.

I pull her into my arms because I knew she wouldn't think about giving this baby up unless something was happening in that beautiful brain of hers. And I hate that she thinks this way. No matter how many books you'll read and all the things you buy you can't be ready for a kid. And for someone who wanted this for so long I know for it to actually happen can be shocking. I just wanted her to know that no matter what we can get through this. But only if we stick together.

"I can't tell you what kind of mother you'll be. Only time will tell. But I know that you would be the most sensitive, kind, loving, nurturing, generous mother you can be. And I don't want to have a kid with anyone else. If you want, I would be honored to have this child with you. To raise it to look at this world as beautiful and not know the ugly we've seen. They'll grow up with stories of your father to inspire them to shoot for the stars. The choice is yours. I just want you to know where I stand. And that's beside you no matter what" I insist.

She sits in my arms for a few seconds not saying anything. She finally lifts her head and looks at me with her ocean eyes. A small smile on her face as she looks at me.

"We have to redo the spare again don't we" she asks as I chuckle.

"Yeah. We do. But as a interior designer I think you can have a lot of fun with it. Keep the chair for feedings and to cuddle and we can add a bunch of other things. We can get cute things with the babies name and find a good star theme to decorate. It'll be fun" I promise.

"And you're sure this is what you want" she begs.

I grab her face as I pull her close. "This is what I want" I promise.