But to love is to live. (Criminal Minds)

XXVII. Numb

A/N: ⚠️Sexual Assult, Eating Disorder, Rape⚠️

They had just got Grace settled from another bad panic attack It had been a week of cuddling, consoling Grace, and trying to survive day by day. Elizabeth had been by just sitting with Grace letting JJ and Emily rest. Grace was grateful for her presence. She acknowledged what happened, respected that the family was processing and dealing with the events of that night. Elizabeth held Grace as the two watched TV. At one point Grace looked up at her saying "Granny?"

"Yes, dearest?"

"Can we play chess?"

Elizabeth stood gently "Of course!"

Grace and Elizabeth stood walking over to the kitchen table.  Elizabeth went and grabbed the chessboard she gave her daughter and daughter-in-law as a wedding present. The two set up the game. They played slow and steady. Grace forever grateful for her grandmother's diplomatic level of patience. An hour later they just began their second game when JJ and Emily made their way downstairs. They were stepping down the last step when they heard the most glorious noise they had ever heard something they longed for and missed horribly, Her laugh, her sweet, innocent, bubbly laugh. They walked into the room to see Grace and Elizabeth sitting at the table playing chess. Grace looked up smiling "Hey Moms"

They both walked up kissing her head "Hey baby."

"Hey, baby bird."

They sat at the table watching as grandmother and granddaughter went toe to toe. For a second just a second all the pain, all the trauma, faded away and the four enjoyed a relaxing day.

JJ's parents had been ringing constantly but the two, the three weren't prepared to deal with that. That night after Elizabeth left Emily walked into the master to see Grace asleep, JJ talking in a hushed whisper "No Mom. We just aren't prepared- Mom please understand- Mom- Mom!- I know- She just needs time. Yes, I will let you know. Okay. okay. Love you too. Bye, Mom." 

JJ pinched the bridge of her nose. Emily walked over massaging her shoulders "I'm sorry honey."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Em." JJ laughed "Let's just get some sleep."

~~~

Back to the present time after they settled Grace from the panic attack.

When JJ looked up at her wife with sad pleading eyes "Emily I can't feel."

"I know honey."

"Emily. I need to feel something."

Emily led her wife out of Grace's room and into the master. She sat her wife on the edge of the bed before squatting down herself and capturing her wife in a kiss. A broken, heavy kiss. Emily pulled her closer when she felt JJs tears touching her cheek. She pushed her wife back onto the bed moving to straddle her. JJ sank into the mattress heartbroken and exhausted. Emily braced her hands on either side of her wife's head. Leaning down she attached her lips at her wife's jaw sucking on that spot right below her wife's ear at the hinge. She worked on that spot gently and evenly before moving down her jaw and to her neck. JJ's moans started to fade and just as they stopped Emily looked up to see her wife sound asleep. Emily smiled, sadly kissing her forehead before covering her with a blanket. Emily knew her wife didn't need sex she just needed human contact something Emily was happy to give.. Emily sat beside her wife as she slept keeping a watchful eye over her lover. As much as Grace was hurting JJ was hurting they both were. The crushing reality that their daughter will never be the same. They could say it all they wanted people could tell them over and over but they had both had enough trauma in their life to know an event like this takes a piece of a person. Something that can never be returned. It wasn't long that JJs breathing became heavy before she bolted up "Grace!"

Emily said "Shhh."

JJ just looked at her wife with impossibly wide eyes "Where is she, where is Grace?"

"SHes in her room sleeping."

"No. no that can't be. I watched her die Em. Og god Em our baby girl! Emily, please don't hate me please please."

Emily tried to console but nothing seemed to work. JJ just kept repeating "She's dead. She's dead."

Emily said, "I'm going to be right back."

Emily left and came back Grace limp in her arms. JJ was sitting up head against the headboard still weeping. When she saw Grace she started to shake. She saw her but like that in Emily's arms still so battered and bruised her eye was still in bad shape and the handprints on her neck were now blue and green instead of that dark purple they were. Even though she was healing she still looked in bad shape. She was pale a bag of bones from the lack of proper food intake and muscle deterioration. Emily placed Grace beside JJ. Grace instinctively curled into JJ sending more tears down the 50-year-olds cheeks. JJ held her as she sunk back down into the bed, the two sleeping in rhythmed harmony.

An hour later JJ and Grace walked down the stairs, refreshed the two made their way to the couch where Emily was reading. Grace went to sit beside Emily. Emily quickly drew her close. Grace looked up at her Mama "Did I have a nightmare? I don't remember coming to the master."

Emily ran her fingers through Grace's hair "No. We just wanted to cuddle you."

Grace smiled cuddling into her Mama. JJ mouthed "Thank you" to Emily. Emily winked back at her. JJ asked, "What do you want to watch?"

Grace said, "Something funny."

JJ turned on the TV switching on Modern Family. The two laid there laughing at the family when there was a rather large knock on the door. JJ and Emily turned to each other confused Grace curled further into Emily, not like the uncertainty of an unknown visitor. Emily rubbed her daughter's back as JJ walked over to the door. JJ's hand reached out to pen it while the other was prepared to reach for the hidden gun they kept by the door. JJ's hand quickly retracted as she stared at the people standing on her stoop 

"Mom? Dad?"