Before you knew

62. Decision.

At night, next to him, I dare to reach out.
I dare to be so egotistic.

I dare to take a little more from the person I left so harshly.
Leaving him with nothing but forced acceptance.

His skin soft, faint freckles under fingertips.

Something I don't deserve.

I quietly get up and get out of the room. I look back at him sleeping soundlessly, before closing the door. 'It's hard huh?' I look up at Kim's voice. She leans against the wall next to the bathroom door. I sigh and nod. 'I don't know what to do.' I say as I walk closer to her before leaning against the wall as well. 'With him?' I nod 'alright. Listen to me, mistake or not, I think you should go for it. Hurl yourself headfirst into whatever life throws your way with utter ruthlessness and disregard. Because looking back, no matter what happens, it will always be easier to accept the things you did do, than the things you didn't.' Her words hit clear. And I know that's she's right. Better to go from something to nothing, then to always be an almost.

I sigh 'you're right.' I say. 'So talk to him When he wakes up.' She says. I nod and she turns to walk off. I look back at the room me and Clay share now. I open the door to find him awake.

Without him, there were always nights where my mind went to war with my heart.
The fight between what I know, and what I felt, and what I had to do.

The hardest decision.

'Why are you up?' He asks. 'I... couldn't sleep.' He sits up a little. 'You don't know what to do with me, do you?' He asks. I clench my jaw and look down at my hands. 'Listen... I'm yours. That's it. No expectations. This isn't an over the top declaration of love or an attempt to work my way into your heart. We're friends, and I'm grateful to have at least that. This is just a promise that if you ever need me, I would move the earth to be there. Because I can tell you I love you. I can tell you I want more than friends. I could. But.... there are over a million words in our language, but for some reason none of them can describe the way you make me feel.'

I stare at Clay in disbelief, and he looks away. 'Clay....' I bite my lip, not having words to follow up on what he just told me. I can't give him enough.

He lays back down and rolls over so his back is to me. 'My ticket back is for Sunday.' He says. In two days. So soon? He must have chosen to stay that shortly in case this meet up went any worse then it did. I lay down as well, staring at the ceiling and choosing my next words carefully. I roll onto my side and scoot closer to him, watching his back moves as he breathes. I lay my forehead against his back as I scoot closer. I grab the hem of his shirt

'I'll stay with you.'