futile devices - sufjan stevens (slowed down)
junhui was lost in the emptiness of his plain white ceiling.
the loneliness the night brought to him was unbearable almost, his mind not able to take a break. thoughts clouded his mind and tears blurred his vision, barely even able to move the muscles in his body. never in his life had he felt this miserable.
falling sleep was simply impossible at this point, now worries kept him awake as much as his disease. to bare with the remoteness he felt, junhui lay curled up and clutched a pillow against his chest, occasionally muting his sniffs with its white fabric. somehow junhui wished for the night to come to an end. but shouldn't he be grateful for every minute he was able to spend?
despite the fact that his incurable illness took up majority of his thoughts, something else seemed to bother him as well. minghao still hadn't shown up. the clock was nearing four am and it was completely unlike minghao to skip one of his nightly visits. it made junhui's level of concern grow even more as it frightened him that something might've happened.
therefore he took it as his responsibility to check if the boy was doing alright. even when the clock was striking near four am, just a simple peek inside his room would be able to comfort him. perhaps it would bring his thoughts at ease the slightest, or give him the ability to sleep again.
and so he did. the hinges in minghao's door made less sound compared to junhui's door, yet another familiar sound filled the room once junhui managed to get inside. sobs?
heartbreaking muffled sobs pierced through the overwhelming silence inside minghao's room, his trembling figure facing the wall as he tightly clutched his blanket inside his arms. there was so much emotion visible in the rather expressionless minghao, even when junhui wasn't able to see his face just yet.
"hey hey hey, minghao?" junhui gently whispered, walking up to the bed that stood in the corner of the room.
minghao made no attempt of rolling over, accepting the fact that he had been caught in the middle of his crying session. yet he threw a quick glance over his shoulder to see his savior, recognizing his silhouette and the familiar voice he heard earlier. his curtains were unclosed and a stroke of moonlight was perfectly aimed on his face, illuminating his red eye bags and his tear-stained cheeks.
a sight that broke junhui's heart.
"do i have your permission to lay here with you?" junhui asked carefully, wanting to have his consent before getting anywhere close to him where physical touch was most likely included. because of the different reactions minghao had shown in the very start, junhui always reminded himself of approaching him with caution. and to his luck, his tactic worked because minghao nodded on an instant.
he let the blanket free from his grasp, which junhui instantly took from him to cover minghao's entire body which had been partly exposed for god knows how long. even when he wore a full pajama, junhui knew how cold nights could get. so once he readjusted the blanket on top of minghao, he crawled underneath it as well.
it was only a single bed, yet it provided enough space for the both of them. it was oddly cozy even, with barely any space in between them. yet still, junhui had to watch how minghao involuntarily continued sobbing. the poor boy couldn't even look him directly in the face and had his gaze fixated on a point a little underneath junhui's covered collarbone.
"i would usually lend someone a hug when they're sad." junhui whispered jokingly, knowing what effect his optimism usually had on minghao. and even in a situation like this it seemed to work as minghao's gaze wandered back up to his face and their eyes met.
"would you.. hug me?" minghao asked hesitancy with droopy eyes and an undeniable melancholic pout tugging on his lips. somehow it managed to make something shatter inside junhui. perhaps it was because he was finally able to see how lonely minghao actually was, or how his eyes seemed so void yet filled with so much pain and agony. how minghao's insecurities convinced him that junhui wouldn't actually hug him.
"oh minghao.. i wanted to ever since you caught my eye." junhui took no hesitation to shuffle closer to him, gently pressing his body against minghao's and guiding the crying boy's face to his upper chest. junhui reached a hand up to push through his messy black locks, intertwining his fingers with his silky hair. "of course i want to hug you."
fingertips ever so tender, combing through his hair and rubbing reassuring circles on his back. his touch was only scarcely, yet had a firm grip, as if minghao's delicate body could break underneath his fingertips any second. for a moment no words were exchanged and they just revel in each others breathing pattern, minghao attempting to calm his own by following junhui's steady heartbeat.
"j-junhui?" minghao sniffled, hiccuping and trying to calm his sobs that once again only grew louder. it seemed that he was about to say something that would break both his and junhui's hearts into at least a million pieces.
"what is it minghao?" junhui calmly replied, shuffling down so he was able to face minghao.
"please don't leave m-me."
junhui had to blink to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. it was as if time momentarily stopped, his surroundings blurring away as his only focus was minghao with his tear stained face. he felt so guilty knowing that he could never keep his promise.
if it was up to him, he would never even think about leaving the boy, xu minghao, behind. but in the end it was his condition that would make the final decision.
"if it was up to me, i would never even think of it." junhui whispered, his gaze piercing directly into minghao's mesmerizing brown orbs. "they might seem like empty words right now, but i'll do what i have to do to prove you my loyalty."
minghao's heartbroken expression made place for fatigue, his eyes tired from all the crying. just as his eyelids were about to close, junhui pulled minghao in the exact same position from before to provide him safety and comfort. the night would come to an end soon, but at least let them be together for those few hours.
they had to treasure every moment they got to spend together. especially now it was still possible.
