Listen to Bruises by Lewis Capaldi
****
Liz
How much do you truly know someone? Be it your lover, friend or family.
How far can you go to vouch for them?
They say you never know more than what people let you see but its not true. I say the truth is right there in front of you but you refuse to see or acknowledge it.
I watched Jason fawn over me. He took turns asking me questions about how I was feeling and must have kissed my hands like fifty times already. He hasn't said anything regarding last night event I guess he was waiting for me to take the lead.
"What do you want to eat? Do I__" cut him off before he could finish.
"How long have you known?" I asked staring at him intently.
"Lizzy" he begged but I wasn't having it,I had to know.
"From the very beginning." He couldn't meet my eyes rather he stuck them to the hospital floor.
"Where is the beginning?" I tried hard not to but my voice was shaking still I studied him, I'll rather have the truth than live comfortably in the lie.
"Before our first date, I had some of your details with the lost ID card and I know I shouldn't have done it, I swear I regret it so much. Somehow I was curious but there wasn't much about you online so I searched deeper."
I still couldn't understand the why.
"Why check my medical records? Why go as far as to hack my therapy notes and why in Gods name did you act like you didn't know? Its almost three years since we have been together plus dating but not even once yet you saw how hard it was for me." My eyes filled with tears, I felt betrayed somehow I felt like I didn't know this man in front of me.
His head hung low he didn't say anything. I'm trying hard not to cry but its hard. Somehow everything was hurting especially my head and my heart.
"Why will you tell your sister about something so personal then? Is that how little I matter to you?"
He jerked his head up now, meeting my eyes with his mismatched pair and grabbed my hands in a desperate bid to plead his cause, "I swear that I didn't tell Jade that. Please believe me, I'll never disrespect you like that."
This time I shouted, "hacking a strangers record is already disrespect. What does privacy mean to you?"
"So if you knew so much about my dirty past in accurate details even more than I did, why pursue me? Why pretend to be interested?" I had so much Why's in my head it was tiring.
Jason held my hands tight in his grasp, his face stern with worry and remorse then said, "baby please believe me when I say it didn't matter. Not once did knowing that change what I feel about you. Not once did I look at you any different I loved you and I still do, so I went after you."
This time riotous tears slipped down my cheeks and I wiped it off furiously. I wanted to believe him, I really wanted to it's just that right now even I don't want me, who am I to believe some one else will?
"I left the papers at home in my room. It was in a drawer and it was locked, I was going to burn it somehow I didn't but I don't know Jadesola went in there. My room is always locked but for the longest time I always keep cash there in case of emergency."
I pulled out my hands from his grasps and folded them around myself.
Jason was nervous and he fiddled his wedding band probably not knowing what to do with himself as an awkward silence sat heavily.
After a while I could feel doubts sipping in her mind tainting every beautiful memory I knew so I had to ask.
"What else are you lying to me about?" I turned to face him.
I watched him as I waited for him to answer.
"Nothing," he answered.
Liar.
"You're still lying to me." I didn't need to be told I only had to look at him now, searching for the truth. Its my job to read people I guess he forgot about that.
"Liz," he begged.
"What else are you lying to me about?" I asked again this time I felt my body go numb.
He tried to keep his emotions under control and make his eyes as unexpressive as possible but even with military training Jason forgot about body language.
Even going rigid is saying something. Trying hard not to show any form of emotion is saying something.
"I've never lied to you, not with my feelings or my fears. I expect the same from you, I'll rather live in reality than a bubble so tell me."
Jason was saved by the return of the doctor and I could see the relief in his eyed when they entered back but all I had was fear on my end.
What is it? What could be so hard that he wouldn't tell me?
"Are you guys done? I'll love to have a consult with you alone." The doctor said moving further into the room.
"Alright, I'll wait outside." Jason went out leaving me and the doctor alone.
*****
Its funny how you worry more about how people will see you to be accepted.
After the consult session, my mother in law came to the hospital with Tiara and the girls minus Jadesola. They came with a huge basket of food and change of clothing.
I hated the silent looks of pity. Everyone knew, everyone could see how broken I was. They knew how even my own mother didn't want me, everything was there out in the open.
"Do you want more porridge?" Mom asked and I declined shaking my head softly.
I fake yawned loudly and let out a sigh hoping they where all going to just leave me be. At the same time I didnt want to be alone, being alone brought me memories the kind I didnt want to remember.
Jason who went out for a while to fill some forms and settle bills had returned. I watched him there was a gulf between us it was rising slowly and I knew without the truth it will never be the same.
Tiara had turned to stare at him when he retuned and quickly averted her gaze when she saw u was looking. Something wasn't right, it didn't feel right.
What if he is having an affair? Immediately the thought creeped up on me I quelled it down. Infidelity is something Jason will never do and I felt so bad even thinking he was capable of doing that.
I plastered fake smiles on my face as I reassured them till it was time to leave.
After a while they finally left and it was just me and him.
"Are you dying?" I asked because what my mind was conjuring up wasn't pretty, I trusted Jason with my life.
"No I'm not."
"Do you have a terminal illness? Is it Army related?" Or is that you don't love me anymore? Even though I didn't add that it was on the tip of my tongue.
"Can you please stop." He begged instead looking so torn and it just fuelled the curiously even more alongside sparks of anger.
"You're not going to talk right?" I made sure I was staring at him even though he hooded his eyes from mine. He was hiding from me and that hurts, what will I do if he isn't even my safe place?
"Just go then and don't come back till I can see the man I can trust the man I love and that loves me." I shouted adjusting the blanket over my body.
He winced at the edge of my tone, somehow he had the guts to look like I was the one hurting him instead of the other way round.
"I'm still the man that loves you." I really wanted to believe the sincerity in his voice and the vulnerability with which he said it but not anymore I knew better now. If anything what happened last night showed me a layer to him that I didn't know existed.
"Just go." I said with a tone of finality and wrapped my arms around myself before the tears dared fall.
Jason turned to leave and was almost at the hospital door when I found myself testing my initial theory.
"Are you having an affair with Tiara?" The words left my lips like a whisper because I didn't know if it was my insecurities or if it was because of the little signs I've been ignoring.
Jason stooped mid stance his hands hovering over the sliding glass doors.
"No I'm not." His voice trembled a little and I felt my heart began to thump in fear. Its tempo quickened as I said, "look me in the eyes and say that."
It took him a while to turn but he still said "no I'm not."
Liar. Both of you are liars.
It felt like the walls where closing in on me and for the second time just like last night I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"You are having an affair." It was more of a confirmatory statement to myself.
"Lizzy," Jason called but I could see the guilt.
I was so wrong. You never truly know someone neither can you truly know what they are capable of. The more you get to know them you just know them less.
I wished with all my heart it was what I was wrong about the most but it wasn't. It was my theory about pain and my foolish belief that I was addicted to it.
I must be overdosing right now if ever pain was my high. Almost like another gate was open I desperately wanted to scratch, I wanted to yell but my voice was locked in.
You fool! Did you truly belief someone can love someone like you truly?
All my life I've fought the voices in my head but I welcomed it. Maybe its why I'm such a confused child, I love the Pain then I hate it.
"How long has it been going on?" To my credit my voice was calm and collected like their wasn't a war going on in my body. Like my mind and my body wasn't being torn apart. Even when I overdose on the pain I remain graceful, trying hard not to itch.
"Did you kiss her?" I don't know why this question is so important to me right now. Its probably because in the midst of all the men in my life he was my only kiss.
Its you, you're the reason everything gets tainted.
Jason pushed his hands into his hair in frustration and I could see the regrets in his blue grey orbs. "That was all we did. We stopped before it went to far, I put that on our relationship and everything in my life that it didn't mean anything."
Jason walked back to bed and sat on the edge and begged, "I'm so sorry. I regret it with everything in me."
"I asked you if you wanted to be with her why didn't you just say yes?" I had so much questions but tears spilled out and rolled down my cheeks.
Aren't you tired of trying? Even the person you thought will love you through it all can't stand being with just you.
"Because I want to be with you." He moved to grab my hands between his and I just let him.
"How do you cheat on someone you don't want to loose with someone you don't want to keep?" I pulled my hands out of his grasp as I asked.
I didn't get any response so I asked again, "how do you do that?"
Silence greeted me.
"Get out." I said firmly even though slowly.
"Baby please listen to me___"
"No call your baby mama baby. Get out!" I screamed now.
"Lizzy please, I know I messed up___"
I cut him off before he could finish screaming like someone possessed, "Get the fuck out!"
"Get out!" I screamed louder as tears streamed down my face alongside mucus.
********
Orex_ Hi people😁😁😀
*receives hot slap on the back of her head*
Orex_Ouch! Who slapped me? That was mad painful. 😥😪😥😫
*dodges quick stone sharp sharp due to her mad ninja skills*
Orex_ okay lemme just be going since you guys are in a bad mood. I love you guys sha?
*silence*
Orex_ You won't say you love me back? Hian even you Dami issokay. E be things. Make sure you vote o, comment, share and follow. Bye bye.
*orex sings "nobody loves me everybody hates me I'm gonna eat cockroach and drops pen*😂😂😂😂😂😂😂