My eyes flutter open to Axle's arms cradling my body, dressing me, lifting me up and carrying me to the deck to eat breakfast.
We eat in a comfortable silence enjoying each other's company and the astonishing view.
The hues of pink, orange and purple dance in the sky giving it a warm glow causing my lips to curl at the sight. Even the water has copied the sky's mesmerizing luminosity.
After we've completed our meal, he places a gentle kiss on my lips, feeling the magnetizing pull in my core, our lips crash, molding to each others but he pulls away, "Let's go home Kitten."
The car ride home was much too fast, I snuggled up next to him, his arm draped around my waist, relishing every sensations, knowing this may all go away after today.
Feeling ever so comfortable in his arm, I regretfully nap, time zoomed by before we arrived at my apartment. I peel my eyes apart, Axle coming into focus, warmth butterflies in my chest, his lips meet mine causing a surge of electricity to roll through my veins.
How I've become accustomed to this feeling; I dread having to live without it.
"I'll see you tonight Chloe. What time is best for you?"
I check my phone for the time, it's quite early, "How about 6 pm?"
"It's not soon enough but it will have to do," he rasps before another gentle kiss is bestowed on my yearning lips.
He gets out of the car extending his hand to help me out, my heart swoons at his chivalry. He grabs my bag from the trunk attempting to help me upstairs, "I got it Axle. Thank you but I have a few things to do before dinner tonight and if you walk me upstairs I'm afraid poor Leo will be waiting hours before you emerge again," I giggle watching his chest rise and fall as he chuckles.
"Maybe that's not such a bad idea," Natalia drips with lust; I shoo her away, back to her room. I watch as his car disappears in the sea of automobiles before I jet upstairs, drop off my things, take note of everything needed for tonight, dashing off to the supermarket.
I concluded my mother's lasagna and homemade apple pie is best suited for tonight, my mother's recipes. Thinking of how we used to cook it together brings the edges of my lips to curl into a Cheshire grin.
I miss her so much. How I wish she were here just to be able to see her beautiful smile. Her smile could lighten your day even on your darkest day. I wish I could talk to her again. Tell her everything that's going on and ask for her motherly advise.
I feel my eyes begin to water at the thought of her. I quickly brush my eyes to stop the waterworks from flowing as I enter my apartment with the groceries for our dinner.
I begin the process of multitasking, boiling water, browning the turkey meat, peeling and slicing apples as I reminisce about my mother and all of the wonderful memories of us cooking this exact meal.
Before I know it, the lasagne and apple pie are both baking in the oven leaving me time to shower and change.
I enter the bathroom, turning the knob to the shower, allowing the steam to engulf the room before I relieve myself of my constraints, entering the shower allowing the water to wash away my fear of tonight.
The shower didn't help to wash away the fear but the scolding hot water did calm my nerves to a point.
I rummage through my closet attempting to unearth an outfit that's comfortable yet still sexy. Even if I'm going to kill the relationship I just got used to, doesn't mean I can't make him see what he'll be missing out on.
Since we'll be in the house I decide on a white off the shoulder shirt with a pair of ripped denim shorts. I accentuate the outfit with some wooden elastic bracelets on one wrist and a gold twisted bracelet on the other. A long gold, thin necklace with a clear crystal, create some loose curls with light make-up.
It's almost 6pm, my nerves start to jitter as my body starts to tremble with anxiety. I go into the bathroom, staring at the reflection staring back at me giving her a pep talk, "You got this. If you really want this you have to be honest, you can't expect to keep it all a secret and have the relationship you crave."
Wait did I just admit I craved a relationship. I shake my head back and forth in disbelief, I said that out loud in actual words. Axle Cross what have you done to me. I giggle when my whole body jolts at the sound of thumping at my door.
Okay this is it, I inhale a deep lung filling breath releasing it while walking to the door. I close my eyes and inhale one more time before I peel my eyes apart reaching for the doorknob with shaking hands, turning it, pulling the door back to reveal the pulchritudinous Axle. All of a sudden my edginess steadies while the edges of my lips curl showing my pearly whites at the sight of him.
He struts in coiling his arms around me, embracing me in a passionate kiss. Head fogging in his all consuming affection, I feel a little lightheaded when he withdraws.
"I missed you beautiful," he says, intense grey eyes roaming over every inch of my body.
"Well, hello to you too," I giggle watching as he enters my apartment taking off his jacket.
He's dressed comfortably, like I am, a black v-neck t-shirt that accentuates his bulging muscles, concave chest, exposing his Lotus flower tattoo causing just a bit of drool to form at the corner of my mouth. It's coupled with black jeans and pain black sneakers, a classic look that i love to see him in.
"You look gorgeous," he rasps in that silky panty dropping voice he possesses. Ugh, why does he have to be so damn hot?
"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, I have to put in the crescent rolls," I explain closing the door behind him.
"It smells delicious, I can't wait to taste you," his mischievous grin is only exasperated by the hunger in his eyes.
Let the playful banter begin, "Well Mr. Cross, if that's what you're interested in, I'd be more than happy to oblige and we can forget dinner altogether," I wink at him turning to show I'm willing to bend over the counter for him.
He stalks towards me, darkness fills his once light eyes, one hand pushing me over the counter while the other whistles through the air landing on my plump ass with a loud smack that echos in the apartment.
He bends at the waist, meeting me at the counter, "Oh no Kitten, you're not getting off that easily. I'll fuck you over this counter AFTER ... we've had our discussion," he husks in my ear, wrapping his hand around my neck bringing me up with him, turning my face to meet his lips.
I figured I'd try, it was worth a shot. I was hoping maybe a little distraction would have been good but he's on to me.
"What would you like to drink? I have red and white wine, some left over alcohol from my girls night, water ....." I say all in one breath before he stops me from rambling.
"We said we will have drinks, I'll have a glass of red wine."
I grab two wine glasses from the cupboard, filling his halfway while I fill my glass almost to the top, gulping half of it before I even hand him his glass.
My nerves are on edge knowing what I'm about to expose and how this may very well change my life as I know it.
"Are you okay Chloe?" My eyes snap to his wrinkled forehead, eyebrows scrunched together with concern laced in his eyes.
I nod my head up and down before I empty my glass, "Yes, just trying to steady my nerves," I laugh out louder than intended not wanting to expose my truly nervous nature. I place the rolls in the oven and set the timer to make ensure I don't burn them.
"Let's sit in the living room while we wait," my hand motions in the air pointing to the loveseat. I pour myself another glass before we both strut over, taking our seat, next to each other.
I hand his glass to him, he automatically places the glass on the coffee table turning towards me, enveloping my face in his strong beautifully designed hands, "There's nothing that can change how I feel for you Chloe. Nothing. I'm not going anywhere."
He whispers before gingerly kissing my trembling lips, calming my nerves , allowing me to take a deep, full breath, feeling a bit of relief. I guess we'll know after I tell him.
I try to ease my discomfort by changing the subject, "You look incredible," I tell him. His lips curl, smirking back at me, "Not as good as you," he nods his head in my direction before taking a sip of his wine.
We sit, in close proximity, earning for the comfort of his tongue on my skin but we have small talk instead before the ding of the timer alerts me to take the rolls from the oven.
I rise from the loveseat, advancing towards the kitchen, "Here," I point to his seat at the table while I plate the lasagna, a small side salad, placing the rolls in a basket at the middle of the table. I refill our wine glasses, perching myself in the seat across from him.
I wait for him to take a bite to gauge his reaction. He peers at me, "I didn't know this was going to be a stare a me meal," he chuckles.
Heat rises to my face, reddening my cheeks, " I just wanted to to see if you liked it," I bashfully state in embarrassment, eye falling to the floor.
"It's delicious Chloe, I'm sure I'll have seconds," he winks to reassure me.
I release a breath I was unaware I was holding hostage. We eat our food with minimal exchanged words before I serve him a second plate.
"What did you make the lasagna with? What type of cheese is in it? I know there is a ton of cheese," he inquires.
My lips twist at the edges, "My mother knew I loved cheese so she made this especially for me, It's made with 5 different types of cheese," I divulge to him.
Axle's eyes widen in surprise, "That's a lot of cheese."
"It is," I giggle, "artery clogging actually," I laugh little harder.
"We'll I guess I'll die a happy man then." His smile warms my heart.
I finish my salad when out of the corner of my eye I see something that makes me jump out of my skin from my seat to the sofa, screeching in horror!
Axle follows my line of sight when he burst out laughing.
"Don't just stand there! Kill it! OMG! I'm going I die," I shriek never leaving the sight of the creature before me.
Axle rises to full height grasping a napkin in his hand, slamming it down on the counter killing the eight-legged unwanted visitor that nearly gave me a heat attack.
Axle goes to throw it in the garbage before I scream out, "NO, flush it down the toilet just in case its still alive."
"Really? I don't think it survived my hand flattening it into the counter Chloe," He chuckles in amusement at my panic.
I glare at him from the sofa reinforcing my seriousness. He raises both hands in defense, "Okay, okay, I'm going to the bathroom now," he states while laughing at my over reaction.
I mean I know my reaction is a bit over the top but I am just so scared of them and their creepy ways. UGH, a shiver passes through me when I hear the toilet flush. My rigid body finally begins to relax knowing the spider is gone.
Axle materializes with a high smirk, edges of his lips curled from ear to ear, gawking at me "You're really scared of them aren't you."
"I am, I know its irrational but I just can't deal with them. They really creep me out," I agree with my head moving up and down.
"Let's sit in the living room and relax a bit," I suggest not wanting to leave the loveseat. I remain in place as Axle grabs our glasses, bringing them to the living room, handing me my glass, I gulp down what's left.
"The food was delicious Chloe, I'll have dessert a little later," he shines his pearly whites at me, easing my anxiety.
Deafening silence fills the room, I'm unable to formulate the words that need to come out before I finally release a loud sigh, raising my hands to my neck as I roll it.
"Okay, I guess this is it. Just know, this is hard for me and you're the VERY FIRST person I've ever even thought of telling this to."
"Take your time Chloe. I have all night."
Moments pass before I begin, "As you already know, my father was very abusive to both my mother and I, the beatings, the broken bones, the ropes. I have nightmares of those times and of the final beating that I witnessed. Sometimes the nightmares are with different sceneries, different ways it could have turned out."
I inhale a deep breath, "I told you about the day I found my mother, well, it's partially true. I didn't find her in the house, I was ... there, ... I saw the ... whole thing happen," I whisper out, eyes unable to meet his. I find a spot on the floor to focus on.
"I did cut school but much earlier and I went home. I thought she was at work, so I went home thinking it was safe. I entered the house heading to her bedroom to ransack her closet to find a really cute shirt of hers that I wanted to wear before I headed over to my friends house."
"I walked into the closet scouring through everything when, all of a sudden, I felt uneasy. I heard some noise coming from downstairs, it was distant but clearly in the house. I'm afraid my mother is going to catch me cutting school so I grabbed my bag that I dropped by her door and ran inside her closet."
"I could hear muffled voices in the distance, it mimicked arguing. The past rippled though my mind in waves and suddenly, I was a little girl again hiding from the monster I called my father."
"I fell back to the edge, hidden in the depths of my mother's closet, I hurled my hands to canopy my ears. I had to block it out, I couldn't listen to it anymore. It takes me to a dark place."
"My chest started heaving, I couldn't breathe, it was like a ton of bricks had been planted on my chest. I thought it was over; I thought he left years ago. I didn't covet to heed their argument. I'm frozen, unable to move with the fear of what will come next. I remembered it all too well."
Axle stays completely stoic, allowing me to explain at my pace. Giving me the space I need to finally disclose my past to him.
"The muffled noises of their words crept closer to me. It was always dreadful but he hadn't been around for a long time, I thought things would have improved without him in the house, but I was sorely mistaken."
"I asked myself, why didn't I attend to classes that day? I reprimanded myself, stating this is what I inherited for ditching school and returning home to change my clothes. If I would've made my appearance at school, I wouldn't be here to witness this horror ... again."
"Just for a moment, I think I can make it to my room, I think I can escape without being noticed. I take step by fearful step towards the door, my hands were shaking turning the nob in the slowest of motions, I slipped passed the closet door when I hear stomps banging on the floor growing closer with each heavy step."
"I bolt as fast as I can but just as I'm about to dash into my room, she comes rushing into the hall headed directly for me. I scrambled back into the closet, closing the door behind me before she had the opportunity to glance at me. Seconds later she scurried into her room, slamming the door behind her."
"The closet door is ajar, just a sliver of light illuminating the closet. I reached for the handle, slowly and close the door without a creak. I heard her muffled communication, 'Please no! Please just go. I don't want this anymore.' I heard her scream at the top of her lungs. I jump at the sound of the door being pummeled by the person behind it, I assumed it's my father as all of this is just an instant replay of my childhood."
"BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! Hearing the ruckus on the door scared me, I backed up in the closet again, grabbing one of the blankets to shelter my ears. I did't want to hear what i knew was coming."
'Open the door Kaye!' "I heard the faint voice roar which made my blood freeze. He's been gone for years, why would he be back? I slugged to the back of the closet craving as much distance from it as possible, scared, hearing the loud brawl against my mother's bedroom door. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, he kept crashing on the entryway."
"My heart races, I know what comes next, we've been through this before, too many times. I'm terrified, my body went into a state of shock, it's immobility was inevitable. A loud crash booms in the room, I can hear pieces of the door land everywhere."
"My mother screams a gut wrenching, horrible scream, probably the most terrible sound I've ever heard, it made me want to scream just as loud, but I cover my mouth not to give away my location."
I heard the stifled sound of a pop, hand hitting flesh and the cries that spill from my mother's mouth. My heart cracked at the thought of her being assaulted but I was frozen."
'Please no, no. Please I'm begging you. Not again, please.' "I listened to my mother's murmured pleas; a thud and the sound of my mother wincing at the constant connection. I knew exactly what was happening and can't postulate we were experiencing this all over again. I could literally picture him on top of her, straddling her body, fists wielding in the air, crimson flying everywhere as I had witnessed it before."
This is when my heart fractured, the salty hot tears started to well up in my eyes, my hands started to shake as I continued to expose my past to him.
"I crawled like a turtle to the door, placing my trembling hand on the handle. I turned the nob, it gave me a small sight into the room and to my horrid eyes the first thing I see is crimson splattering about as his fist meets her face repeatedly while she ...," I needed a momentary break from my words, "while she beseeched for her life, imploring for him to stop."
I squeaked at the last word, reliving that evil moment. A chill runs up my spine, prickles reveal themselves as I try to continue.
"I watched him, in complete disbelief that this was happening all over again. I stayed there unable to help her or look away. I was frozen like an iceberg, unable to move and petrified."
"The squishing sound of his repeated attack on her, pummeled my heart with each loud, wet thump on her face." I feel the hot liquid escape my eyes as I continue, "I heard it ... I heard ... cracking sounds. I remember ... a .... a shudder ... ran through me. The hot salty tears ... rolling down my fffface as I did nothing and ww ... wwwwatched my mother get beaten ... to death, literally."
I gasped for air to try and continue. "I saw her body .... her body ... went limp like ... a rag doll.
I raised from my seat needing a moment before I continued down memory lane to the culminating event which shifted my path in life forever. I wiped the tears from my stained cheeks, took a few deep breaths and found the courage to continue.
"He, he slowed his angry pace, llllowering hhhhimself to ... to her face, ... wwwhhhispering ... something I could't ... hhhear ... be ... before he rose and, and walked out."
This is getting harder to explain, I don't know if I can finish this. I see the doorway and contemplate running out but I can't. I'm stuck in place just like that dreadful day. I attempt to take deep breaths but my breathing is labored and short.
Axle just patiently waits for me to calm down and continue.
"I couldn't move. I JUST SAT THERE!" I scream out at him. Anger fueling my blood, tears uncontrollably descending down my face, my vision blurred, voice high pitched and filled with anger.
"I JUST SAT THERE! I DON'T ... DON'T KNOW FOR HOW LONG BUT LONG ENOUGH TO LET HER DIE!"
I yell in anger, "I WAS SO SCARED I COULDN'T MOVE A MUSCLE. I JUST STOOD THERE LIKE AN IDIOT, STARING AT HER LIFELESS BODY, WATCHING THE POOLS OF BLOOD SEEPING OUT FROM HER WOUNDS."
Axle gets up to embrace me but I push him back not wanting to feel his arms around me, comforting me. I don't deserve his comfort, I deserve every miserable moment in my life for what I did. "NO, DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU WANTED ... WANTED TO KNOW ... KKKKNOW ABOUT MY HHHIDEOUSSS .... PAST WELL GET RRRREADY ... FOR IT."
Axle's eyes freeze on me, his blurred physic stands in front of me waiting for my conclusion.
"I FINALLY MOVED AFTER WHAT FELT LIKE HOURS. I CRAWLED TO HER BODY, CRADLING HER IN MY ARMS, BEGGING HER NOT TO LEAVE ME, TELLING HER SHE WAS ALL I HAD LEFT." I thrash my body around, hands waving in the air with each word, accentuating my exasperated emotions.
I felt my heart shatter all over again. "I BEGGED HER TO COME BACK TO ME. NOT TO LEAVE ME HERE, IN THIS WORLD, ALL ALONE, WITH NO FAMILY," whispering the last part I cracked, falling to the floor.
Axle rushes to my side, "NO! I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME!" Through blurry vision I could feel the pain in his eyes before he backed up but sat on the floor with me.
I find the ability to finish what I started between stuttered breaths, "I gent ... gently placed hhher back ... on ffffloor, seeking ... seeking my book bag to ggggget my ... pppphone and finally call 99991111."
"Wwwwhen ... they ... arrived ... I was embracing her ... mmmmy mmmmother ... bbbbegging for her return." I shut my eyes, saying to myself, I could have stopped it. I could have stopped him.
"Chloe," I shut him down before he could finish his sentence.
I stare in his intense grey orbs, rising to my feet, walk over to the counter where my purse is, rummage through it, withdrawing a piece of equipment, walking back to my spot, planting myself on the floor.
I expose what I have in my hand, laying it flat. He stares at the blue item in my hand.
"My mother knew he would return, when I was 16, she gave this to me telling me, to use it if I ever felt like my life was in danger. She prepared me and I ... I failed her," I whisper the last part, rapping my hands around my shins, pulling tight to stop the ache in my heart. I look away ashamed of my part in her death.
"I had the taser in my bag that day. I carried it with me all the time to be prepared for exactly what happened and I DID NOTHING!!" I bellow out the last part anger consuming me again. " I COULD HAVE USED IT ON HIM AND SAVED HER LIFE." I raise my hands in the air, shaking them.
"She could be here right now if it wasn't for ME," I bang my chest in outrage.
"Oh and do you want to hear the best part! Not only could I saved her once but I could have saved her twice! When the paramedics were checking me, I heard the other one tell the police officer that my mother suffered, she bled out and if someone would have found her a little sooner she could of had a CHANCE TO LIVE. BUT NO THANKS TO ME, SHE'S DEAD!" I jab myself in the chest.
I stare at him, blinking to clear my vision to no avail. "I failed her ... twice." I whispered, ashamed I didn't have enough courage to save her.
The air is tense, the silence building. Axle decides it's best to speak now, "Chloe you were a kid, you can't possibly blame yourself for what happened. It is not your fault. It's his!" He tries to nullify my feelings but I won't have it.
"NO! IT IS ALL MY FAULT! DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT'S NOT. I HAD EVERYTHING AT MY DISPOSAL TO SAVE HER ... and didn't, I couldn't. I ... I .... I failed her," I murmur.
"I froze! I waited because I was scared he would come back and kill me too. I stood there as her life slipped away. I could have saved her! It's all my fault! There were so many things I could have done but I didn't because I froze, because I was scared. She'd be here if it wasn't for me!" I cover my face as my body violently shakes at my horrendous actions, recalling every moment, every feeling.
Axle snakes both arms around me for comfort and for the first time since I confessed my sins I welcome his embrace.
I sob into his arms, "I don't deserve comfort, or love. No after what I did."
He embraces me tighter, "It's okay Chloe. It's not your fault. You were a kid. You had no idea how to handle it, any child would have reacted the same way. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." He kept repeating how it was not my fault, trying to smooth my nerves from all the tears covering my shirt but my guilt consumes me.
"If only I had ... tttased him. Iiiif only ... I called 911 sooner. Aaaall of this .... would be different." I can't control the words as they stutter out.
"Chloe, 'if only's' will kill you. It's not your fault, you were just a child," the strength of his arms begin to calm my unsteady nerves as I soak his shirt in my anguish.
Purging myself of years of built up guilt and pain. I miss her so much, wishing I was stronger so she could have been here.
We stay with Axle's arm enveloping me, for what feels like hours. My sobs and trembling body finally steady before I finally look up at him asking with my eyes to release me.
He understands my unspoken language and his arms fall to their sides. I rise from the floor, walking my way to bathroom to wash my face in cold water.
When I return, Axle is standing in the living room, hands in his pockets, peering at me.
"Well, now you know. Where do we go from here?" I ask feeling fearful of what he might say.
"I told you Chloe, I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to be here, right by your side to help through all of this. One step at a time."
I feel my heart swell for the fist time since I confessed my part in my mothers death. I still feel guilty but I do feel a little better having said it out loud and hearing him say it's not my fault.
I look up at him, "I'm sorry for how I acted. It was my first time ever saying the words out loud. It was a lot for me."
"It's okay Chloe. I'm here for you. What do you need?" He asked me genuinely, desperately wanting to help my fragile state.
"Could you possibly do me a favor?"
"Anything."
"Could you stay with me? I want to invite Shelly over and tell her what happened. She's my sister and she doesn't even know. I want her to know."
"Of course Kitten."
My eyes began to flow again at the very comfort he brings me and the fact that he still wants to be by my side after everything I admitted to him. I can actually feel my heart is filling with love for him.
***Well, that was heavy. Tell me what do you think of Chloe blaming herself? What about Axle's reaction to her anger?
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