Our finals are over and I have been living with Kevin for 3 weeks. We don't talk much. He takes care of my wounds every night and I am healed. There are light pink scars on my back which would go with time. Maria cooks for us, I eat in my separate room, I study extra hours in the college library, do workouts most of the time I am at his house. We hardly see each other though Kevin makes it clear that he has eyes on me. I don't care. I know I am not suicidal. What I did is wrong but that was a moment of weakness. Not that Kevin is letting me explain and I am not trying enough because I know if I want him to listen to my reasoning then he would expect me to pass the same courtesy to him, that is to give him a chance to explain himself. I would have given him the opportunity if not for the fact that my walls are crumbling, they are melting like wax. The more I sleep with him----Yes, we sleep together at night like old times. He is not taking risks with my nightmares and I put a weak fight every night but in the end, he wins. Why wouldn't he? As much as I am hurt, that's doesn't change the fact that I still feel safe with Kevin. I haven't had nightmares in these 3 weeks and as much as I silence my other voice, I hear her whispering every night that I don't fight because I am in love with him and I need him more than he thinks he does. It's not only about the demons in my dreams, it's more about the pain in my heart which vanishes in his presence----the more I am forgiving his betrayal and too without him asking for it.
For three weeks, I have been pulling pranks on Victoria and Kevin. For instance, Victoria got a new Pixie haircut. I might or might have not accidentally mixed adhesive, gum powder, slime egg paste. She looks like a twat.
And I'm taking them easy on Kevin. The first week, I cut some wires off his fridge and that destroyed his cheese. Lenient right? That's why right now I'm in his room whilst he is working out. I'm quite hardworking seeing that I have loads of sticky notes in front of me. I have written all kinds of cuss words I could find on 2000 notes. I wrote this all in the library yesterday.
After 1 hour his room is set. The word which I have highlighted is CHEATER. He is the one.
I go back to my room and change my clothes.
I hate him because I love him. Every night he makes me forcefully confess my thoughts, like therapy. How do I feel today? Am I satisfied with these silly pranks? If bothering Victoria makes me happy? And loads of questions.
I answer him as vaguely as I can. I don't feel happy or satisfied. These pranks and bothering Victoria don't make me smile in the slightest. Sometimes, I wonder why am I doing this? She was a child and seeing her red eyes and puffy face makes my insides churn from guilt. She loved her hair. What she will do when I would confess my sin of killing her mother? How she would feel?
We are no more friends but I can't take her hatred. Apart from being a sex maniac, she's a good girl. Why am I always confused when it comes to Victoria?
"Xia" I hear Kevin's laughter. Laughter? Why is he laughing?
I run to Kevin's room to see him laughing. My lips turn into a smile just seeing him happy. These past few weeks he has been brooding and not been his usual self. I didn't know I was missing him till I knew. Right now. I missed his smile and the remaining walls crumble like debris in the wake of his shine.
"What's funny?" I look around. His room is a mess. It will take him a good amount of time to clean and his car is still under servicing. The second week of us living together, I had flooded his car with garbage and sparkles.
"You're smiling" I quickly compose myself.
"No, I am not"
"You just did" The shine he has lost is back in his eyes.
"You're hallucinating" I scoff.
"Am I?" he steps closer and I make a dash to run out of the room seeing his good-for-nothing expression.
"Not so soon" he catches me by my waist, swings me around, and throws me on his bed before climbing over me. My horny mind runs different scenarios but all is thrown out of the window when he starts tickling me.
"Kevin!!!!" I laugh hard.
"Say you smiled"
I laugh but don't agree.
"Say it"
"Wh-what?" I ask although I know. I just want him close.
"No" He tickles my neck and I lose it.
"Pee" I wheeze through my laughter and try to push him.
"Admit you smiled" His fingers tickle down my waist. I can't breathe anymore.
"You smiled"
"I did. I did" he gets off me.
I lay breathless and try to take a lungful of oxygen whilst still smiling, wiping tears running down my face. I miss his warmth, his touch, our old time.
"I miss you" My mouth has her mind. Uttering things my brain doesn't agree to.
He simply looks me down with a serene smile and glittery eyes. His thumb wiping my tears.
"I'm here" he hugs me tightly. I don't hug back.
"Just leave" my lips tremble.
"No"
"Please"
"No"
"Fucking stubborn" I hug him and breathe him in. My heart feels rejuvenated like it was never broken.
"Why can't be things easy for us?" I ask hopelessly.
"Just name the thing you want"
"I want you"
"I'm yours" He kisses my forehead and my eyes burn with impending tears.
"No, not anymore. I don't deserve you" He pulls back and looks me in the eyes.
"You deserve happiness. Everyone does. Am I your happiness?"
"You are" He is.
"Then you deserve me"
"Why did you do that?"
He sits up straight and I follow the suit. I think we are having that talk now.
"I wanted to make you feel safe. I heard when you talked to Savija on the call"
"You tapped me" I should have known. He nods and takes my hand in his and draws lazy circles on it.
" You admitted that you're still scared of them. I wanted to free you from your demons. You were smiling but you were not happy. You could laugh all you want but at the back of your mind, they still had tied you. I wanted you free. I'm sorry I did without your permission, it's technically cheating, a betrayal but I'm not sorry to expose them. If I get a chance to do it again, I'll do it in a heartbeat. You could hate me but you'll be free as soon as you understand"
"At cost of breaking us?"
"At cost of breaking us. I can't fit in your brain but I'll leave you with one question if we had to switch places when you were kidnapped if it was me who was kidnapped and those women tortured me-" I jump out of the bed. The image he has painted is the worst he could do to me.
"The fuck! How could you-"
"Can't even imagine right? Just think how I must have felt" he kisses my forehead and leaves his room.
I don't want to imagine but what he said is running in my mind continuously. I eat breakfast, drive to college, attend class, come back and I don't bother anyone today.
Those needles, those burns, those whipping, starving, hitting on ice all those tortures on my innocent Kevin? I would have killed those women without a single thought, I wouldn't have let them touch Kevin. They can't be that of a monster to hurt someone like Kevin. He is too generous and sweet to even come under the same roof as them. I would have given them the most brutal and cruel death one Lucifer could not even have imagined.
I don't want to but different scenarios of Kevin being tied are running in the back of my mind but even my mind couldn't imagine him being tortured.
Where the fuck is he when I need him?
I go out and drive aimlessly but my car takes me to a jewelry shop. What the hell in name of the devil am I doing here?
I drive back seeing it's evening now, he must've come home. Home?
I have bought some food for dinner and scotch. I needed it because I'm gonna confess my part of the crime to Kevin.
"Where were you?" this is the first question he asks.
I show him food and scotch. He looks perplexed.
"Let's eat"
"Are you okay?" He searches my eyes and I search his. He was never a mistake. His only mistake was to love me more than he loved himself. To chose me over us. His only mistake was to love me as he promise. To love me like only Kevin can do.
"Yeah, I think now I'm"
He offers me a quizzical smile and serves us food before offering me a glass of scotch.
"You're not drinking?" He is sipping juice.
"No, I'm good"
I eat less and drink more. He stops me when I reach the bottle for my 4th drink.
"I only had 3" I'm not at all intoxicated or slurring or dizzy. No, not at all. I am just spinning.
"That's enough" He puts it behind him.
"And who are you to stop me?" I think I've lost it.
"Absolutely no one" he drinks from my glass and I pout.
"No one? Do you say no one? How could you be no one when I can't even entertain the idea of you being tortured? How come my mind is battling with my heart and you're still no one? Is this some kind of sorcery where I'm your entire world and you're no one to me? You don't want to be my love or is there something you're hiding from me? Because I can't fathom if I love you then why I can't make you happy?"
He sighs, rests my head on his shoulder, and intertwines our fingers.
"You still love me?" I sniff.
"Of course, I do. I just can't turn off the switch" His lips caress my hair.
"I love you too" I feel him smiling
"You do."
"I would kill those women if I were you, but, Kevin, what would you do when one woman is your family? You know the consequences right?" I look up to check his reaction.
"I know. Her children will lose their mother and her husband will lose his wife. Your parents would be devastated and everyone would be shocked and upset" He whispers the last part, "but I would still kill her"
"Easier said than done" I smile.
"I understand" I don't get what he understands but I'm feeling sleepy now.
"You wanted to talk about something?" I hear him asking after few minutes.
I nod, half asleep.
"I killed her" he jerks with start and I sit up straight.
"I was sleeping" I complain and close my eyes again. Pulling him back to lie back.
He shakes me lightly "Wake up! You're not sleeping. Whom did you kill?" he looks troubled and his lips look inviting. I lean and kiss him but he is having none of it.
"Xia, baby, whom did you kill?"
"Rebecca" he is baffled, opening and closing his mouth.
"She died in a plane crash. How did you kill her then?"
"By mistake, I swear I didn't want to but she died"
I tell him how she died and this maniac is smiling.
"Are you sick?" I ask when he doesn't stop smiling. He is scaring me now. This should have been the second sign for me that Kevin will go to any extent to save me. The first was when he went behind my back and joined hands with my parents.
"No. I'm proud of you"
"Are you gone crazy?" I think I'm sober now. This man has drained all the alcohol from my body,
"Kevin listen to me carefully, I killed Rebecca, I murdered Victoria's mother. Are you getting me?"
"I got you on the first try. Although it's kinda sad that you intentionally didn't kill her. Did she call for help? Did you see death in her eyes?" I check his forehead.
"You're gone crazy or you're making me crazy. Either way, this is not funny. You got to be yelling, pacing, and foremost, calling my parents."
"Sure I'll do, but next week at the graduation party because I want to see the look on their faces"
"You're drunk. Why don't you sleep?" I close his glinting eyes.
"You're amazing, Xia"
I clean the table and put plates in the sink.
"I'm going for a walk"
He waves me off. He is really happy. I didn't expect that. I look at him once, still smiling.
Instead of walking, I drive to a beach. Stepping out of the car I run for 30 minutes. I stop when I see something strange going on.
"Who's there?" at this time? It's 10 p.m.
I can make out 1 girl limping. I look around but I see no car or anything. I turn back to leave her because first, she is a stranger, and second, a woman.
"Help!"
"Hey! someone there?"
I look around once again to check if there is anyone else.
"Me?" I shout back and keep walking backward.
Run Alexia, before you hurt them.
"Please help!"
Is everyone gone crazy today? First Kevin and now this girl.
"I'm not-"
She falls face-first and me being an idiot, instead of running back I run to her in reflex. I and crouch to----I guess I am helping her.
"Are you okay?" she reeks of strong alcohol and her dress is short enough to show a lot of pale skin. My throat turns dry when an image of her skin, colored in red runs across my mind.
Think of Kevin. He will be disgusted by you.
What am I supposed to do?
The girl takes my hand and stands. She's about to fall when I hold her.
Too much skin contact, my skin is burning from her touch.
I close my eyes and I expected to see my memories but all I see is Kevin's electric blue eyes looking down at me while he marks me.
"Help me please" I keep reminding myself that Kevin is waiting for me back at home and that calms me a notch.
"Your address?" she pushes her clutch on my face and with great difficulty I find her ID.
The address is not near. I don't know how she reached here but she needs help.
I should call Kevin. My phone might be in the car.
I crouch half for her
"Hop on my back" she giggles and hops on my back whilst half choking my neck.
Images of those women choking me flash across me but I quickly think of Kevin.
"Take it easy"
She giggles again and rests her chin on my head. I keep playing the image of bite marks on my skin that Kevin left and walk to my car.
I manage to unlock the car with her still on my back. Her cold fingers graze my cheek.
"Your skin is so soft" She slurs and then giggles for no reason at all.
No. Think of Kevin, blue eyes, and his smile.
"Why are you smiling?" she asks again.
"How come you were limping here?" I tie the seatbelt around her.
"I was enjoying my graduation party in the club" her eyes glisten with tears, "Then my crush joined me. We enjoyyyyyyyyed!!!!!!" They were not tears then.
"And the fuck you guys did after enjoyyyyyyyyyying?" I ask frustrated.
"Oh! I can't say, I'm shy"
"Don't"
"Don't what?"
"Don't say. I lost my interest" I snap.
I sit in the driver's seat and check my phone.
36 missed calls and 20 voicemails from Micky Mouse.
I call him.
"Where the fuck are you?" Always so sweet.
"I don't know" I reply because I don't know the address.
I put the call on speaker and type her address on GPS.
"Why are you breathing heavily?" he asks worriedly.
"Are you okay? Tell me where you are"
"Oh! Just chill. Your girl is safe with me" the girl says, putting her nose on the screen.
"Who's this?"
"Kaira Jekling"
I start driving.
"Hello, Kaira. What you are doing with Xia?"
"I don't know but she seems irritated with us" she touches my face again and turn to see my expression.
"Don't touch me" I swat her hand.
"I'll slit your throat if you dare touch her again" Kevin's booming voice has her sulking in the corner. I should not be happy about him threatening drunken girls but I feel something melt inside me and a warm smile spread across my face at the thought of him protecting me.
"I'm fine and they are drunk" I assure him.
"He is scary" Kaira pouts.
"He is a beast" I tease knowing well that Kevin is listening to us.
"A beast?" she gasps in horror.
Oh, this is fun. I hear Kevin chuckles.
"Yeah, the one with blue eyes and -"
"Red eyes" she corrects me but no, my beast has blue eyes.
"No. Only slaves of the beast have red eyes. The King has blue eyes"
"She loves my eyes" Kevin offers from another side.
"Figures. Angels always fall for the beast"
I roll my eyes at Kaira and stop in front of her apartment.
"OK girl, get out"
"Nooooooooooo. I want to talk more to your beast. His voice is so deep and-"
"I'll shove my shoe in both of your ass up-to-the point where you could taste my polish. Now get the fuck out of my car" she fidgets with the door and gets out still limping.
I hear Kevin laughing on another side.
"This is not funny"
"Believe me, for me, it is damn funny"
"Let me help her to the" I look her, sitting outside the door "bedroom, I guess"
"Are you fine, my Big Skate?" this time he asks me seriously and I smile at his concern.
"You will be hugging me tonight right?"
"I would like nothing more than to hug my big girl. I am proud of you" I didn't realize I needed to hear this until he spoke those words. He is proud of me.
"Bye," I hung up and get out of the car.
I pull her by one arm.
"Keys" She takes out everything from her clutch but keys. I snatch it from her and take out a set of keys.
I push her inside after unlocking the door and make her sit on a couch and check for any room. I see 4 rooms and carried Kaira to one of the rooms. I don't care if it's a bedroom or not.
I take one glass of water and ibuprofen from my car and place it on her bedside table.
I stick a note too
'Don't stress yourself much in the morning. No one took your advantage or anything and Fuck off! You are a walking headache'
I leave her keys on the counter and drive to Kevin's place.
I step out of the car and start removing my top.
"What are you doing?" He helps me removing my clothes.
"Cleaning myself" I scrub my body clean under the shower and come out after changing in my PJs dress and join Kevin in his bed.
"All fine?" He is sitting shirtless and waiting for me, looking delighted.
"I didn't hurt them" I whisper in his chest.
"I know. How do you feel?" His fingers play with my hair.
"Irritated. She was yapping nonstop. What if someone else got had gotten her first? Rapped or kidnapped her? How could be she so reckless?"
"She is safe right?"
"Of course she is. I tuck her into her fucking bed"
He chuckles and I hit him playfully.
"Stop it"
"It's funny. Who would have thought you of all people would tuck a woman in her bed?"
"Not me" I agree and smile when I think she is safe and nothing bad happened.
"You thought to hurt them?"
"First, yes but then I remembered you are waiting for me back at home and tried to imagine your eyes. That worked"
"Easy?"
"Didn't think so"
"Wanna try it again?"
"No. Women are pieces of art"
"My sister is coming next week" he informs carefully.
"I'll be moving out then"
"I'll be busy. so you'll look after her"
"No fucking way, Kevin. We are talking about your sister. I can't hurt her"
"And believe me, I don't want you to hurt her. She misses you" He kisses my nose.
"What if I do something wrong?"
"I know you won't. Just trust me"
"I don't trust you"
"My eyes then?"
"Fine"
"I'm fucking jealous of my eyes"
"You should be" I kiss him and straddle his hips to get my reward for helping Kaira.