After arriving in Seattle, I come straight to my place.
Martin, Rohn, and Joseph are sitting in the living room, looking gloomy. They stand just as I walk in but I keep walking to my room.
"Alex-"
"Martin and Rohn, if you guys think, you were loyal to me and my love then you both are most welcome in this apartment, and Joseph, go back to uni and switch off all lights and pull down all the curtains while you guys are on your way out. I don't want light reaching me" My voice sounds strange. A shell of what it was before. I don't feel my lips moving.
They might have said something but I'm not sure. My mind is on Kevin.
He wanted to pull me out of my darkness. Fine by me. He'll see what I'm when I behave normally.
He thought I can't touch girls. He'll realize his mistake when I'll touch them.
I'll cry and shout for days or weeks but when I go to college, next month, he'll regret what he did to me.
For few days, I keep crying and reminiscing about my happy time with Kevin. After the next few days, I start my workout and kickboxing. I lose some soft fat and gain some muscles. Well, it's impossible to become muscular and gain abs in one month but I feel stronger.
I don't step out of my apartment. My phone is broken, so I don't know if anyone has called. I changed the password of my apartment. I can't cook so I ordered only fitness food.
I'm missing my classes and finals are around the corner. But who cares? I have nothing to lose and I don't have any goal in my life.
I'm right now in left-wing, breaking the useless lock. It's not required now. Jessica is gone. I don't have any burden. I feel liberated as if a huge block of stone has been lifted off my chest. But I still can't find myself be thankful for what Kevin did. He might have sacrificed our love for my freedom but what he didn't get was that while I could have lived with this load till my death but with his betrayal, my every day is dragging as a death day.
I loved him.
Some of you might be thinking, why did I choose this place to hide her. You'll be not much surprised to know but right now where I'm standing in the same place where they kept me. My left wing was their den and in the apartment where I was hiding Jessica is the place where they 3 lived for those 3 months. Quite smart and foolish of me but I kept her hidden for 7 years but one Man, one single man, came like a bright light and blinded me from seeing anything but him.
Fucking Kevin Emerson. I should have never trusted him but I wanted him to know the reality so that he could save his feelings and what he did? He didn't even blink before breaking my heart.
I wipe my tears harshly and open the last parcel. The whip.
I remove my top and bra, gagged my mouth, and start to whip myself.
I wish Aliana King was not my mother, don't get me wrong, I love her. She's the best and I'm dying in guilt because I hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally.
I don't want to be her daughter because she made her children strong enough to never commit suicide. I'm not weak to do so but I want to harm myself and see blood.
I'm not a masochist to hurt myself but I don't have anyone. I'm a fucking sadist but a girl has to do something to at least feel something.
I close my eyes and whip myself until my hands hurt. I'm crying but not in pain. I'm frustrated.
My grip loosens on the whip and I remove the gag from my mouth. I don't realize when I have fallen on my knees.
I stand with shaking knees and collect my clothes. Dragging my beaten body to my bedroom. Standing in front of a wall mirror, I turn my back to see it the same as what it was 7 years ago. Whipped and bloody. I watch it for a long and feel my eyes getting heavy.
I wear my top and it clings to my bloody body. I call Joseph and I asked him to not take me to the hospital.
I try my best to stand and keep my eyes open but eventually surrender to unconsciousness due to weakness.
The next thing I know I'm waking up to my guest room, drip connected to my arms and my torso wrapped in bandages.
Joseph enters the room after half an hour, with medicines in his hand.
"You're awake!"
"How long was I unconscious?"
"You were in comatose for 3 days"
Not enough damage.
"I hope no one knows"
"I didn't inform anyone but was about to if you hadn't woken up by today"
"I think I'm lucky then"
"Can I ask who did that to you? I saw your body and your bed sheet was soaked in blood"
"I'm hungry" I don't answer him. I never answer him. The only person I answered honestly, might be laughing at my nativity right this instance.
"My apologies. Take this medicine before eating anything. I'll bring some soup for you"
Days turn into weeks and my back pain subsides. The bandages are removed but the marks are still fresh.
It's good I didn't hit hard or I would have needed surgery like last time. This will fade in the coming months or may take half a year. It doesn't matter, besides I'm not gonna strip dance in the bar.
I wash my body and take a blade from the cabinet. I gag my mouth again and slit my thigh once, twice, thrice, and so on. I want to feel the pain. I hate being this numb. My brain has been foggy this past month. I am living in darkness, time ticking by slowly but if you ask me the details, I'll go blank. I remember following the basic routines but not the specifics. Everything is just slow and cloudy. I want to get out of this slump. Anything will do. I would like to tell myself I am not suicidal but I am not sure anymore.
I make few slit marks, apply disinfectant, and cover them with band-aids.
Done!
Next, I wear running shoes and step out of the apartment after one month. I spot a car in my peripheral view that I never saw in my building before. I ignored it because I have lost my sense of reasoning.
I run although the weather is stormy. It's dark and about to rain.
I run, run and keep running but not aimlessly. I know where I have to stop.
I stop when I reach a tombstone. This place is desolate and surrounded by dense trees. It's not graveyard though. This is the place where I met Lucia.
I rest my palms on my knees and breathe heavily. I have brought her a half-burnt candle.
Yes. You're thinking right.
I'm currently standing in front of Rebecca Matthew's cemetery.
According to her family and others, her cemetery is in New York.
I kneel and lit the candle but the air blows it off. I place the candle anyway and think back to the memory of when I last saw her.
"Punishment us, Mistress" They bow down, making me sick in my stomach but even this is not possible as they have not fed me for three days.
The word 'punishment' ticks me all the time.
Last weak, they have stripped me naked and whipped my skin with a leather belt and flogger and after applying sea salt on my injuries, they strapped my legs and hands-on ice slab and left me to die of hypothermia but unfortunately, they came after few hours and untied me but I wasn't able to move my body even slightly. They paid for my medications and treatment and that's why they have not given me food as a form of punishment as they can't do any exterior harm. So, to my 14-year-old self, it sounds only fair that she punish them as well, to make them feel what she goes through every day.
"Strip and lie down on ice the slab" I am shivering too but I want to punish them more.
All three devils lie down but I don't like their smiling faces. I want them to cry for my help. I want them to suffer. I want them to feel helpless.
I cough and tie them but mistakingly, one of the women's wrists was being tied too tightly that stopped her blood circulation but at the time, I don't pay much heed to her because my sole attention was on my aunt and their suffering.
I sat silent, sometimes coughing, enjoying their shrill voice of agony.
I keep looking in my aunt's eye without blinking. Every emotion that passes through her eyes is naked to me. Her pain, her fear, her suffering, I witness everything and it will always be fresh in my mind.
My snicker is followed by blood.
I hear two of them using their safe word but one woman lays still.
I stand shakily to untie them but with each step, I take to help them, my coughing increases. I untied the hands of my aunt with difficulty., then she unties her ankles. So I move to the next woman but at this point, I am unable to see or listen to anything. My senses are blocked. I try untieing her wrists but my fingers are shivering frantically.
I think, I am calling my aunt for help to untie the woman but I don't hear my voice. Someone pushes me aside but I feet nothing because my whole body has gotten numb at this point.
My aunt shook her but she didn't open her eyes.
"She's dead. You killed her" she whispered in horror and looks at me over her shoulder.
************************************
I killed her, not intentionally but I did kill her.
I regret killing Victoria's mother. If given an option, I'd not tie her hands, I'd not kill her.
They cemented her body here and planned her fake murder in a Plane Crash. An opportunity was served in a platter to them when the plane crash happened for real. They pulled some strings and faked Rebecca's death.
I'm guilty that I killed my best friend's mother but what does that fucking best friend do to me? She don't help me when I had needed her.
I got one single chance to escape and I only remembered Victoria's contact no. I called her and she received it. I asked her for help and she disconnected my call. Fucking coward! I understand she might be afraid. But I needed her.
They returned me after 3 months only because I had killed Rebecca and she was a well-known personality in media. My parents were already searching for me and my aunt couldn't afford to take any further risk. She thought I'd die and Kings would stop their investigation when they will see my body but destiny has its way of fucking you.
The funny part is, nobody thinks why they returned me. I'm just a mystery to them.
Kevin doesn't understand my emotions. All he saw was a weak girl and took it upon himself to help me.
Well, very bad, Kevin. You aren't going to like my new version tomorrow.
1 month is over and only 1 month is left for graduation.
I am not going to live my graduation in the four walls of my self-imposed darkness.