Physical activities and all other things Dr. Phil asked me to do, didn't work with my nightmares. I still have them.
I'm sick of my life. I can't have the one thing I wanted desperately. I am helpless to my past, powerless of my inclination to those haunting memories that are out-turns of it, incapable of touching a woman. How could want me when I can't touch his sister, a harmless kid? But how do I make my brain understand this small fact? If only it was easy, easily how Kevin moved on and that too with Victoria, the one person he claimed to despise. I don't have much experience in conducting secret rendezvous but what else do you carry out with someone who had slept with before in a hotel room? Am I a hypocrite? I sound like one. But is it less painful to see them together? I don't know what my focal issue is here, Kevin with someone or Kevin with someone I hate the most?
In retrospect, Kevin kept coming back even after my same attitude but after the sex, it makes me think if that was his end-game? Or I finally succeeded in scaring him off? Why wouldn't he? I take pleasure in seeing bruises on soft skin. What does it make me? Sadist? Psychopath? Mentally disturbed? Abnormal? Not fit for human society? All of these.
What if I'm in a public place with Kevin and I freeze just because I saw something which reminded me of my sufferings? People around me will see me as crazy as I am or lost case.
Kevin is from a highly respected and rich family. He is an elite. What if we are attending an event I couldn't even speak, touch or stand close to a woman? I'll be nothing but an embarrassment and humiliation to him.
Every night, I'll be a bother to Kevin by screaming and thrashing in my nightmares. I'll be nothing but a burden to him. How long your partner can carry your baggage?
I don't see a life where we are together
If a body is filled with fear, abnormalities, anger, hatred, and self-pity then there is no scope for love. If I can't love myself then how can I love someone else? But there is no rule of me looking pathetic while enduring their presence. If I am going to put up with their relationship, I might as well look good while doing it.
With this spirit. I do some extra workouts today and skip my breakfast to fit in the dress I have decided to wear. After scrubbing, waxing, and moisturizing, I put on my dress my outfit for today, and replace my sneakers with heels.
My dress is co-ord of a black halter top that ends at the beginning of my stomach and a slim-fitting skirt with a straight, narrow cut, its hem falls to, the knee and is tailored for a close fit.
For makeup, I take a small amount of foundation and blend it on my face with setting powder. For eyes, I go for bronze and golden with a thick eyeliner to enhance the green in my eyes and I must say, I want my eyes to look permanently like this. The gold and bronze shades make my green orbs glitter in gold liquid. I had no idea a little eye-makeup could do this to one's eyes.
Now for the shocking revelation and my family might disown me for this but I had seen people with green eyes, look stunning with black hair. So, when I came back from college after that confrontation with Kevin, I decided to die my hair in black and bottom in silver, and now after spraying lavender hair color in streaks of my hair, they look incredible.
Looking one last time in the mirror and feeling quite proud of my accomplishment, I step out of my room to leave for college but a startled gasp has me turning around. Martin, with his monumental control, manages to appear composed but the fact that he is not even blinking has me concerned for his breathing.
"Good Morning, Martin"
He steps forward and gives me a quick once-over.
"What have you done?" My confidence falters at his question.
"Don't I look good?" I smooth the non-existence crease of my skirt.
"Good? Dear, you look spectacular!"
"I sense a 'but' here"
"What happened?"
"Nothing"
"You are lying. Who is the boy and tell me this color is not permanent" He looks at me with the eyes who knows my tell.
"The color will come off his 3-4 washes"
"You didn't answer my first question"
I scrunch my nose.
"Do you have me embarrass like this?"
"It is for a boy and let me guess, Kevin"
"It seems you have figured me out. May I leave now?"
"Rohn would be dropping you today. Don't want hormonal boys hounding you"
"First, Are you insinuating I don't look good every day and can't protect myself? Second, we are in college the men there are not hormonal schoolboys"
"Kevin is" He deadpans "Not a boy but hormonal"
I cover my heating cheeks and give him a pleading look to just stop with this interrogation.
"Don't ever say that again. I am officially done with his conversation"
Reaching college, I breathe in and out to relax my nervous self and toss a mint chewing gum. I notice people whispering and looking at me strangely, who don't recognize me do double-take.
Is it a good sign or am I making a joke out of me? Did I look good in the mirror? Didn't I?
I keep walking and I spot my friends, Max, Noah, Bella, and Kevin standing in the locker room. I halt for a moment when I catch sight of Victoria sauntering towards Kevin. I have to take a deep breath and step forward. I almost tuck my tail in between my legs and turn back when every student starts openly gawking at me.
Fuck it!
I focus on my agenda and the said agenda looks like hell. He has bags under his eyes and is in deep thought. And he is also the only person not looking in my direction.
Feeling my eyes on him, he turns his head in my way, gives me a once-over, then turns to Max before backpedaling real first, that a worried 'ouch' for his poor neck leaves my lips. It doesn't take him long to turn angry. Yes, angry. Hours of effort and the reaction I am getting is anger.
In long strides, he is invading my personal space.
"You don't learn, do you?" His voice comes out calm but with an under-threatening tone of explosion if pushed.
"What are you talking about?" I feign indifference.
In a blink, he has his palm enclosing around my neck and I stumble forward on my heels. I look into his enraged eyes and regret my action for a moment.
"This is for strong-arming me"
Before I get to ask about how exactly I am strong-arming him, his lips slam to mine, and kisses me with a brute force I only sensed lurking beneath the covering of his control. This is not like any other kiss we have shared before. I kiss him back and would like to think I did so to hurt Victoria but not. I am kissing him because I want to because I am weak to his pursuit. I can act all strong and indifferent but he will always have his ways with me. Our tongue is out there to suck each other's soul and right now at this moment, I don't have in me to stop him. If he wants my morbid soul, it's his. Because this kiss is soul-consuming. As if he is set out to prove something. To me or himself? My question is answered soon.
My eyes snap open when he gropes my ass while thrusting his hard bulge on my abdomen. With my eyes, my other senses return to, that would be my hearing.
Wolf-whistles.
Snapping of pictures.
And one look around and to my horror, we are being videotaped.
"Kevin" I manage out against his unyielding kiss.
"I need to have you" He groans out the words and I am glad, his voice is low due to arousal.
I pull back and walk out of the locker room without looking around.
How dare he, kissing me in front of everyone to see?
And how dare I for enjoying it as well?
Me walking out doesn't mean Kevin won't follow me. His heavy footsteps follow behind me.
"What's going on, Xia?"
He grips my arm and makes me face him
"It's Alexia and what's going on?" I ask him like we haven't just tongue-fucked each other in front of so many students.
"You know what I'm talking about and what in God's name you did to your hair?"
"I dyed them. My hair, my wish. Just get over it"
"I know what you're doing"
My heart skip a beat in fear of getting caught. So, I throw him off my tail with the next question.
"You want some?"
"What?"
He dares to look confused with my lipstick all over his mouth.
I step closer and pray to God he doesn't touch me.
"Me"
Kevin is Kevin. He doesn't miss an opportunity.
He leans close to whisper huskily in my ear, "If not for the students, I would have fucked some sense in you by now"
"You still can, in the washroom" I call his bluff.
He contemplates for a while but then shakes his head.
"What is your endgame here, either you want me or you don't?"
"What I want to know is if you are up for it?"
I goad him further, aware that this game is risky but we are in college. He has to have limits.
He starts dragging me in opposite direction.
"Where are you taking me?"
I stop in front of a room in the farthest corner and genty pushes me inside. I turn to-----my words die in my throat.
"What-?"
Kevin bolts the lock and removes his jacket while devouring me with his hungry eyes.
"Kevin" My voice is weak but the flame of lust burning in my core is high.
"Not a word, baby. I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do with you and your body, you so cordially offered a minute ago," His words make him hotter.
He grabs me at the expense of my bare skin between the skirt and top and kisses. I don't resist him this time. Placing open mouth kisses to my jaw, he trails to the sensitive skin behind my ear and sucks my weak spot. I arch my back, pushing my breasts to his chest. I moan when I feel his teeth on my neck.
"Kevin!"
"I so wanted to fuck you senseless in front of everyone just to show them who you belong to" He whispers hoarsely and nibbles my earlobe.
"Ah!" I moan running hands all over him.
"But the kiss will do" He bites my throat.
"Kevin" I clutch him tightly.
He licks the spot and sucks to soothe pain and I am completely dripping my panties.
His hand slid under my skirt to my panties. With one finger he pushes my panties aside and slowly trails my clit before plunging his finger in my pussy, hard. I gasp in sudden penetration.
"This pussy, you believe of yours, is mine. You are mine" He inserts another finger and starts fingering me.
"This slut weeps for me. I command at her and she takes me. You can deny me all you want but I already have you"
My eyes roll back.
"I'm gonna cum" I whisper breathlessly.
He thrust his hard on my abdomen and increases his ministrations of fingers in my cunt.
"Cum for me then"
I do and pants heavily.
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of my neck. I look at him confused.
He shows me the picture.
My left neck is covered in hickeys from neck to shoulder and my collar bone and right neck are covered in fewer hickeys. A long straight mark up to 2-3 cm and two opposite side arrow-like marks. K.
He marked me.
"You fucking bastard"
"I would mind my tongue if I were you. I am still hard" He grabs his bulge and moans.
My pussy is a slut because I want more.
"In your dreams. You are lucky I let you touch me after you fucked Victoria yesterday"
The fog of lust seems to dissipate his eyes, as he looks me dead on.
"Nothing happened with Victoria. I met with her parents and they didn't seem interested in orgy"
"Why would you meet them?" I am already dreading his response.
"When I said, I'll stop at nothing and I meant that"
A sudden bout of dizziness has me stumbling back.
"You asked them about me?"
No response.
"I asked you to not look into my past-"
"You also asked me to stay away from you. You can't get both"
I look down at his wet fingers and wonder who is the one getting both?
"You are saying if--if--I become your girlfriend you will stop searching for the skeletons of my past?"
I just want to know his goal is here. We cannot be together that we have established.
"The deal is appealing but no. What I am saying is, I am leaving tomorrow for a week and once I am done with my work, I'll be back for you"
A zap of shiver passes me through me to the heart at his unrelenting declaration. A declaration that has the power of terrifying me while also managing to raise hope inside me.
"Where are you going?"
He kisses me once more and pulls me in a hug.
"Home"
I hug him back.