I rush to the decided spot and as expected the place is vacant. No one comes here. This area is not vast but enough to have generously huge trees. I slip off my shoes, walk barefoot on the grass and sit on one of the stones encircling a big wooden log. This log was not originally here. Ed, Nivh, Patry, and I put it here and placed big enough stones around it for sitting. We have come here many times, sometimes together, sometimes alone. This place is quiet, quiet enough to hear your inner voice.
Finding Kevin and Victoria has wrecked me but the time it took Kevin to jump from me to her is equally revolting. Was the sight of my ink too repulsive for him?
To get my mind off the self belittling thoughts, I call my doctor.
"Something strange happened last night" I jump straight to the topic. The sooner we talk about something vital, the better.
"I hope it's not something to worry about"
"Not in the bad sense"
"What is it?"
"I didn't dream of anything last night, no nightmares, and also didn't wake in the middle of the night" I try to sound cheerful.
She speaks after a moment.
"This is good, really good. How did this happen?"
"I don't know"
"Tell me all about what you did yesterday? Anything different"
Yeah, I hugged my sister, helped Victoria, which led her to the hospital, and the same day I slept with someone. I don't say that, not at least straight up.
"I can't pinpoint"
"Think about it. What was different yesterday? What you did which was out of your routine?"
So I tell her. I tell her from the moment I woke up and thinking Kevin to be a fragment of my imagination, my cynical words to Victoria, hugging my sister with Kevin on my side, ice skating with Victoria, and the incident that followed it to having sex with Kevin. She makes me repeat myself a couple of times to see if I missed something.
"Does he know?"
"Up to some extent"
"And how do you feel about it?"
"I incapable of giving you an honest analysis of my response because my emotions are all over the place"
"Ok. How long have you known this Kevin?"
"Hardly a month" And we are talking about the same man I don't want to think about.
"Not even a month and you achieved all this with his support. This guy sounds like he has a significant impact on your life. How do you feel about him?"
"I despise him" She chuckles.
"I'll ask you again after you have calmed down"
"My answer might differ"
"I know. How do you feel around him?"
"Safe" I don't have to think twice about it "I feel I can see the world in the light again. This bleak fog disappears and the world seems less cruel"
"And what warranted this?"
"I don't know. It's just him. Always shining and just be there for him. But these feelings intensified when he calmed me down from my attack"
"Tell me about"
"Am I getting dependent on him? Is this what it is?"
"I am not sure, judging by the fact that you have been attracted to him since day one"
"He is good to look at"
"Is that what you thought of him when you people met the first time?"
"No, the very first I saw his smile and my lips quivered to its own accord and when he stepped closer, all I could feel was my quickening heartbeat and when I looked into his eyes, I felt as if those were made only to see me. Like literally see me. They are electric blue, by the way. Dark and deep. And on my second day of classes, I felt this unbeatable pull towards me. The way he was looking at me as if he would let me drown in his eyes and keep me safe from everything"
A beat of silence.
"I have some theories. Hear me out. I am speaking my mind so don't interject. Maybe it's just the aftermath of sex, maybe you were spent very much and slept soundly or it could also be possible that your subconscious brain understands something that you're refusing to admit to yourself. You feel safe around him and his eyes make you peaceful and you and I both know, these are two emotions you're not familiar with. Maybe it's the guy that helped you because in corner of your mind you knew that he is gonna hold you all night and he will call you when you'll have nightmares. Maybe you were just not sick and tired of your life, maybe you were sick and tired of ignoring your feelings and you surrendered them last night to him. "
"I respect you Dr. but it's not possible. Let's be logical here"
"You ignored my first logic. Your brain only notices what you want to. I know the human mind more than you. take it from the professional, this is very much logical and possible. We have to understand the emotions of our patients along with their physical conditions. For instance, when someone says they are hurt or their heart is broken, we often take them as a dramatic person but sometimes people feel a physical ache in their heart. This suffering of severe pain and rapid heart muscle weakness and this broken heart syndrome is called Stress Cardiomyopathy. Likewise, it's also possible that a part of your brain is conscious of the fact that Kevin is safe and you don't have to alert around him"
I contemplate what she is saying over and over in my mind before speaking.
"I think you're right but we are not together and I don't want to use him for my objectives" I won't take advantage of him. Ever.
"And you should not. In addition to this, we are not sure which theory is correct. So, let's do something. Where are you right now?"
"In college"
"And when are you reaching back to your place?"
"At 6"
"Good. When you go back to your place, try doing some physical work. Don't kill yourself out of fatigue. Work out for few hours or run or dance or whatever you deem perfect then hit your bed but not before eating a heavy meal. If you don't get nightmares then congrats you have got your cure but if you get them then, Alexia, you need this guy"
"I'll update you by tomorrow. Thank you for your time"
"I owe you this much and I'm always here to help you, anytime"
I look over my shoulder and spot Kevin, his teammates, and my friends coming with two other guys.
"I gotta go my pals are coming over"
"See you then"
"Who were you talking to in hush-hush whisper?" Ed asks mimicking me.
"Family doctor"
"Anything serious?"
"No. I was just checking on my family's health update. We all do"
"They are good?"
"They are fine. So, everyone here?"
"Bella is still not here," Max says sitting across from Ed, besides Kevin.
"My teammates?"
"Michelle" A very attractive guy, Michelle, is sitting beside another guy.
His hair is cut short from the sides and set perfectly and he is dressed more like a man than a college guy. His specs kinda suit his personality. The guy sitting beside him is also good looking and his hair comes over his shoulders and he is wearing a sweatshirt and washed jeans. He also has a piercing right on his left eyebrow. Both look good but I haven't seen them before.
"Alexia King" I introduce myself shaking his hand.
"Everyone knows you. You're The Alexia King"
"Is that mockery I'm sensing Lombardi?" Kevin's face has gone from indifferent to annoyed.
"Everybody knows you. I'm sorry if you felt so"
"I hope you have topics," I ask for what we are here for.
"Yes. I have all the required materials"
"Good and you must be Charlie Hooke?" I ask the other guy who seems very carefree.
"That I'm. It's pleasure finally meeting you in person" When he speaks, his tongue piercing on the tip catches my attention.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah. I always wanted to speak to you"
"You could have done that"
"Easier said than done but it seems you are interested in my tongue piercing more than what I'm saying"
"Well, it's kinda attention seeker" I smile, removing my eyes from his tongue.
"Let's get started with the project. I don't have all the day" Kevin interjects angrily and glares at me.
My eyes follow his fingers crushing the papers. I raise my eyebrow at it and see him whispering something in Charlie's ear keeping his eyes on me the entire time. I notice Charlie's expression turns to understand then horror and he visibly gulps before nodding and turning his body entirely towards Kevin, acting as if I am not here.
"Let's discuss who is gonna work on which topic" Kevin suggests, stretching his legs.
"You got the topics, Little Boy?" He asks Lombardi and Michelle scrunches his nose.
"Yeah. Here" He hands him to Kevin.
"What did I miss?" Bella asks from behind before joining and introducing herself to two other guys and sits beside me. I shift more towards Ed and Kevin's gaze moves between me and Bella.
We only decide who will do which part and how before packing our bags. We sit for some more discussing about the carnival but suddenly everyone's cells ring with a message notification except mine and Kevin's. I look at Ed and Pastry but they shrug and leave along with others in hurry. I too make a move to follow him but Kevin stops me.
"Don't tell me" I groan.
"We need to talk," He says each word slowly and deliberately.
Is it wrong to get all hot and bother at his bossy tone?
"What do you want to talk about, Kevin?" I fold my arms and look him dead in the eyes.
"Sit back"
I sit in my place but he shook his head and gestures me to sit on a wooden log, where we were just studying.
"No" I don't.
"Your wish"
Next thing I know I am sitting on the tog, him standing between my legs with his lips pressed into mine.
The kiss is slow but demanding. I kiss back and pull him closer.
He places one hand on my cheek and tilts his face to deepen the kiss but I pull back.
He groans.
"Do you want to ask anything?" He asks suggestively.
"No"
"You're gonna assume the?" His lips twitch in the initiation of smile maybe.
"No"
"Are you angry?"
"Yes" Yes, I am and I want him to know.
"Hurt?"
"Yes"
"Jealous?"
"Yes"
"Then we are fine"
I look at him in confusion and he sighs before framing my face between his hands.
"Would you believe me if I said I haven't slept with anyone since the day we almost kissed?"
"What were you doing in her dorm?"
"Searching for answers you wouldn't give me" He replies unabashedly.
"You don't like her?" He rolls his eyes.
"No-"
"But you went on a date with her" I point it.
"That was not a date. She sent me a text saying she has to talk about you. I was with her for a total of 15 minutes and all we did was talk about you" I am still not sure.
"Why would she do such a thing?"
"Because I have been ignoring her after she created the scene in front of"
"You gave her the reason to"
An unapologetic smile breaks out on his face.
"A man can only dream"
"Kevin! I am serious here"
"What do you want to hear? That I fucked her imagining it was you and when I finally got to touch you, I knew no one is going to compare with the real deal"
Somehow I find myself believing his every word.
"I take you are aware of the fact that Victoria was my good friend once"
"Bestfriend, yes"
"What else do you know?"
"You were kidnapped in Miami and everyone believes you don't remember those 3 months"
"I tell you what, I tell you something nobody knows and vice versa"
I nod. Eager to learn something about him that nobody knows.
"I used to hate my sister when she was born" Shame has marred his features "My mother died giving birth to her and I blamed her for months. Left my Dad to look after Emy when he was the who has lost his life partner"
"You were just a child, Kevin" I run my hands over his back.
"I was 15"
"Still young. It's in our nature to blame someone for the wrong that happened to us"
"Do you blame someone for what happened to you?" He pulls me closer, making me look into his eyes.
"I do. My parents, Victoria, every other human. It's irrational"
"It's a human thing to do. Parents I understand but why Victoria?"
"I had one opportunity to get out and I lost it to Victoria. Please, don't ask how"
He hugs me and whispers ever so slowly in my ears "What did they do to you?"
"Every form of cruelty you could imagine of and beyond" His hold on me turns almost painful but I don't want to pull back.
"Where are they now?" His voice is hoarse and sounds like it is taking him a serious amount of effort to speak a single word.
"Somewhere" I am never telling him where they are. If I know Kevin, I am doing them a favor.
"You're not going to tell me about them, are you?"
"I want to know what happened with Victoria today" I try to pull back but he doesn't budge an inch. That's my Kevin, always ravenous for more.
"Nothing happened with here and nothing ever will. We were talking about the incident and I didn't want others to hear our conversation it makes you feel any better, I despise her maybe more than you do"
"You can't start despising people because I do so" I lean back to look in his eyes and I wish I hadn't.
They are not blue anymore, all I see is darkness and not the darkness I love but the kind I saw in the morning.
"I can't be yours if I don't detest your enemies"
"I don't want you to be mine. You are reading it wrong"
"Why?" He looks as if I am speaking a foreign language and the world where we are not together never crossed his mind.
"We can't work. Ever"
"Let me be the judge"
"No. You don't know what are you getting yourself into. Last night----" I close my eyes "Last night you gave me the best gift of my life, I slept for the first time in the past seven years. My past didn't haunt me. For the first time I was not fighting it off, so believe me when I say how hard it is for me to let you go but I can't gloom you with my filth" He flinches back.
"Tell me you don't think so low of you" He is furious and this time, it is targeted on me.
"It's the reality. You don't know what they did to me"
"I don't know how much of a fool you think of me to be but I saw your picture and I have a very vivid idea of what they did to you. I wanted you before and I want you now"
"Kevin-"
"What do you think of yourself? Lying about your memory? Pushing people away? You thought I'll too let you have your way. I am not your family, not your friend. I am the man you want and I'll stop at nothing"
I jump down and walk closer to him with angry tears running down my face.
"Do you know how it feels to live in darkness, seeing the light you didn't know you wanted after so long and all you desire of consuming it whole? Do you have any idea how bright you shine? You are the sun and I am just one of the planets watching your shine from afar and the funny part is I am not even in your galaxy. I crave you but then I see these glimpses of my darkness in your eyes, corrupting your soul and I couldn't do anything but step back and watch you from distance. You might have heard this in movies or books but in our case, it can't get more real than this. You are better off without me. My past has the power of devouring my happiness and sucking the life out of it and I refuse you let the same happen to you"
"You don't get do you?" He steps back, looking so lost that all I want to do is to cradle him in my arms and kiss him better "You are the planet I shine for"
With this, I let go of the only lifeline I would ever get.