I continued to storm down the sidewalk until I made it to the train station, which I then stopped to wait for a train. Once I was on it, I sat there, fuming with anger. Every once in a while I would catch a look of myself in reflection of the window on the other side of the train. I looked as though I was on my way to kill somebody and it felt like I was too. I didn't get to my destination until a little after eleven at night. I found myself in the same field that Shinso and I had a sparring match at, the same field that I wanted to build a house in...the same field that I killed myself at.
Once I found a large boulder, I sat on it, thinking about the thing that angered me so. I jumped down from the boulder and spun around to punch the large rock. After three hits from both fists, they were bleeding and I'm sure were nearly broken. I stood there as I felt blood dripping from my knuckles and my breathing coming to a slower pace. I jumped back on the rock and sat there again as I went back into my thoughts. I bit the inside of my lip as I felt my face contort from rage. As unknowingly I kept up the expression, I began to think of seeking help. I know that they want the best for me, but I don't want to go. Not many things piss me off, but for some reason this topic did.
Maybe it's because you're such a stubborn piece of shit.
'Yeah, I'm too stubborn to have someone else help me resolve a problem that I want to fix it on my own.'
I mean it is your problem.
'THERE WE GO! THAT'S MY REASON WHY I'M NOT GOING TO GET HELP!'
My phone buzzed, so I then took it out of my hoodie pocket.
Aizawa: Where are you? It's getting late and you have school tomorrow.
Me: I'll be back by morning.
Aizawa: What are you even doing anyways?
Me: Like I said earlier, blowing off steam.
Aizawa: Where are you?
I didn't bother to answer him, so I shut my phone off and slid it back into my pocket. Just as I did that, my phone began to buzz repeatedly, so I knew that I was getting a phone call. I answered it with a sigh, "Hello."
"Y/N, answer me right now. Where are you?" Aizawa said with stern anger in his voice.
I tried to reciprocate the tone, "Don't worry about it."
"Where. Are. You."
"I'm not going to kill myself; don't worry about it." I said before hanging up.
As soon as I did so, it began to ring again. Once it stopped ringing, I shut it down completely before I could get another call. I then slid it back in my pocket before I bought a leg up and had my foot on the top of the rock so my knee was against my chest while the other leg was dangling over the side of the rock. I rested my head on my knee as I let out a sigh of mixed emotions. I felt quite conflicted. I didn't even know why I was so angry about getting help. I've never really been so bent out of shape to not do something, especially when I could benefit from it. It's probably because I don't want someone to help me or rather than I don't want to talk about it to someone who I don't trust.
'There's that word again. Trust. How in the hell did I get to this point in my life that I can pull something like this and...and...I have to stop doing this. This takes a toll on them when I do this.'
I pounded my fists on my forehead as if I was beating myself up, literally.
If you feel that way, why don't you go back and apologize.
'How would I apologize? There isn't enough time in the world to show how sorry I am.'
Die.
'SEE! I just said that I have to stop doing this sort of thing, which includes killing myself!'
Then don't ask me for help.
'I didn't!'
I let out a huff as I flopped back on the rock. Looking up at the night sky and clouds passing in front of the moon, it gave me the feeling that I was alone- very alone. As I listened to the silence of the clouds moving in the sky, I began to calm down with sudden bursts of anger coming about and making me pound my fists on the boulder and gritting my teeth. During one bout of anger I jumped off of the rock and slammed my head on a side of the rough boulder. I stumbled back as I held my head, looking down as I felt a small stream of blood trickling down from where a wound had appeared. I wiped it with my sleeve, but as soon as I brought my hand down, it began to flow again, but in a bigger stream than before. I let out a sigh as I fell to the ground on my back, knocking the wind out of myself as I hit the ground.
"What am I doing?" I asked myself out loud.
I rubbed my slightly, still bleeding fists while the smaller cuts had dried up and had dried blood flaking off. I sat up with a sigh as I felt the stream of blood coming from my forehead change direction as I sat up. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to realize that it was still shut off. I didn't bother to turn it on to check the time. I knew that I was there for quite a long time, so I figured I should head back since it takes about three hours to get back to the apartment. I began walking through the field, creating distance between the boulder and I. As I walked along and closed in on the road that looked like it was barely ever traveled down, I began to feel sad. I began to feel sorry that I pulled something like this and ran away practically. I bet for how late it seemed, Aizawa didn't sleep and I bet that when I turn on my phone, it will blow up; probably literally.
When I was on the train back to the city, I figured I should pull my phone out and check it. Yep, I knew it. I had so many messages and missed calls that I was too lazy to look at them all. I was surprised how many there were for early in the morning it was since it was a quarter past three in the morning.
Aizawa: I swear to god that if you aren't back by midnight, you will be grounded. (Received 11:35 PM)
Yamada: Please don't do anything stupid. (Received 11:56 PM)
Aizawa: You're now currently grounded. (Received 12:01 AM)
Yamada: Just so you know, we've talked about it and we'll come up with something other than forcing you to see a professional. You can go on your own terms, so don't worry about it anymore. Just please come back. (Received 3:03 AM)
I let out a sigh after I scrolled through the texts and skimmed through them. I put my phone back in my pocket. Since I had a couple hours before I made it to my stop, I tried to fall asleep since I still had school. Though I tried the best I could, I just couldn't fall asleep. I began to fear what was going to happen to me when I got back to the apartment. Are they going to give up on me and force me to move out? What if they're going to beat me to death? Am I going to be tossed out again? Maybe kicked out of school? My eyes shot open. I then leaned forward as I gently touched the gash on my forehead. I realized that blood has dried down my face and on my knuckles. When my stop came, I got off the train and began walking back to the apartment. Once I arrived, I found that the door was unlocked. I slid off my shoes as I closed the door behind me. As I finished taking off my shoes, I heard a dining room chair move across the floor before I heard footsteps run towards the entryway. I noticed that it was Aizawa, who looked like he hadn't slept a wink. He stopped running once he saw me, then started practically marching towards me angrily with his hands balled into fists.
'I knew it, I'm going to be beaten to death.'
Once he stopped in front of me, he raised his hand as though he was going to slap me. I brought my hands up to protect myself and cowered back a couple steps. He slowly put his hand back down as he sighed and put a hand on his hip. I brought my arms down as I noticed that he didn't look like he was going to hit me.
"Where were you? You look like you went to a fighting ring to cool off. If you did, I don't wanna know what condition the opponents are in." he asked with anger still in his voice, but almost gone.
"I w-went to that field. I had a row with a boulder." I answered.
He sighed again as he started for the bathroom and said in a defeated tone, "C'mon, let's clean you up."
I mope to the bathroom with my head hanging low. As I stopped in the doorway of the bathroom, I looked over my shoulder to see that Yamada was using his arms as a pillow as he rested it on the table. I stood there looking down as Aizawa gathered a first-aid kit. When he found it, he sat it on the counter and opened it to see if what was needed was in there. He then looked to me, "Come over here." I walked over slowly, dragging my feet. He took my right hand first and looked at it. "They're quite swollen and bruised..." he then grabbed my other hand, "they both are like that." He let go of my left hand as he grabbed a cloth and ran it under warm water. "What did you really do?" He asked, his voice now devoid of any anger. It sounded as though he was more sorry than worried.
I locked my eyes on the hand that he was cleaning up as I said quietly with sorrow in my voice, "I went to that field." He quickly looked up to me as if he was asking me if I really went there. "I found a boulder and sat on it. Every once in a while I would punch it. I even slammed my head into it."
"Yeah, I can see that." he said as he rinsed off the rag, then asked as he got new water in the rag, "Why?" I didn't know how to answer, so I didn't say anything.
When he finished wiping the dried blood off of my hand, he then started on the other. As he cleaned the other hand, I asked quietly, "What's my punishment? What do I have to do while I'm grounded?"
He sighed as he sat the rag on the counter with my hand half cleaned of dried blood, "You aren't. You have no punishment, you're not grounded." I looked to him confused. "I don't know how I didn't remember this sooner, but Zashi reminded me of when I first told him about my state. He said that I should seek professional help and said that he would set it up for me." he looked down and chuckled as he shook his head before looking back up and said with a small grin, "You know, I too got so mad that I threatened to leave him." He looked beyond me to look at Yamada, who was still at the table sleeping. "I guess now that I think of it, I don't even know why I got so angry."
"I don't either..." I looked down, "...I don't know why I got so mad."
He picked up the rag again and rinsed it in the water to finish gently scrubbing the dried blood off of my swollen hand. "I don't know what I was thinking when I told him that. I was out of my mind...thank god he knew better than to leave me when I said that." he said with a small grin still on his face.
"How...how old were you?" I asked quietly as if he would get angry at my question.
He hummed quietly as he thought about it, "Probably a year or two after we graduated from UA." He then pushed my hair back to see the gash that was towards the left side of my forehead. "Jeez..." he looked to me instead of the wound, "You hit your head on the rock?" I nodded my head. He looked back to it as he started to wipe the blood from around it, which it then started to bleed again. "You don't have all your strength back yet, right?"
"Correct." I whispered.
"Man, I can just imagine how it would look if you had all your strength. I can guarantee that you'd be knocked out still." he said as he tried to scrub the dried blood without making it bleed more.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" he asked as he dropped the rag in the sink and turned to the first-aid kit to grab gauze out.
I explained as he grabbed my right hand and began to wrap it, "I keep on doing this. Every time that I get mad or so depressed er whatever, I practically run away. I know it takes a toll on you guys and I hate it; but I for some reason can't stop it. I do it unknowingly."
Without looking up he replied, "That's probably because you never saw or were told how to react to those emotions. Running away from them is your instinct."
"I hate this. I hate everything; but more importantly, I hate myself most of all." I mumbled as he finished wrapping my right hand and using special tape to keep it wrapped up.
He began to wrap my other hand as he said, "Come on, Y/N, everything will be alright." he sighed, "I don't know what I was thinking when I was sort of forcing you to see a therapist er whatever. You're starting to talk to us when you need to instead of bottling it up and taking it out on yourself. In my opinion, you're getting better."
"Am I? Am I really?" I asked skeptically.
"Of course you are." he said, finishing up with wrapping my hand and placing another piece of tape.
There was silence as he turned to grab a large band-aid out of the kit. As he was removing the band-aid from its wrapping, I said quietly, "I'm sorry."
"For what now?"
"You're tired."
"I'm always tired." he said as he gently placed the large bandage over the still bleeding gash on my forehead.
"You're more tired that usual. I can tell that unlike Yamada, you didn't sleep while I was gone."
He turned to the first-aid kit and closed it as he said, "How could I? You're out there without any quirks and a little weak. Even if I were to try and sleep, I wouldn't have been able to from worry keeping me up." He put the kit in the cabinet below the sink as he added, "You're quite tired yourself. You look like a raccoon."
He stood up as I said, "I don't feel tired."
"No, not yet, but you will soon; especially during school." he said as he pushed his hands into his pockets.
I sighed as I turned around, "I better be getting ready for school."
"Right." he said quietly as I began to walk away.
I stopped in the doorway as I said, "Thanks for everything. I really don't deserve to be helped by such wonderful people like you guys." I paused for a couple seconds, "I'll be sure to thank Yamada later too." then began walking again.
When I got to my room and turned on the light, I noticed that Melody perked up on the sofa to look at me, squinting her eyes from the bright light. I gathered my uniform and went to the bathroom to get ready.