After a shower and much-required pep talk, I reach downstairs only to meet with a vexatious sight.
What a Good-fucking-Morning!
Nich, Ed, Pastry, Martin, Rohn, Joseph, Xaiyla, the bull-headed- Kevin, and my personal favorite, Victoria, are sitting on the breakfast table, eating and talking as if nothing out of normal happened. Not to them but my day has started on the wrong foot and Victoria has no equitability to sit here.
First of all, Kevin is getting closer to the past I am ashamed of and the unnerving part is, it only took him weeks to learn something that nobody knows. What is it about him that makes me feel preserved? Why did it felt so better to share the most vulnerable aspect of me with him? I feel........ethereal.
Secondarily, Victoria is sitting with my sister and laughing like a dying hyena as though she heard the biggest joke of this century.
For God's sake woman, it's still early in the morning and I want to hear birds chirping not your irritating voice.
"Join us, Alexia, to the once-in-a-family dinner", Rohn chirps, food hanging off the corner of his mouth.
"With a certain someone sitting around, I'll hardly call it a family dinner" I not-so-discreetly eye Victoria to make the person in question clear.
"She is our family. She has been a family since you adopted her as your sister and even after you discarded her" Xaiyla reprimands, giving me a disappointing look only a twin sister could pull off.
I avoid looking at Kevin but his heavy gaze on me is itself an attestation of his mammoth presence.
"I assume that we both have very different perceptions of 'family' because where I come from, the family helps you in trouble. They hear you when you cry for them. They find you when you can't find your way back. They look after your safety. They can feel you when you're in pain and they certainly don't run back on their tail seeing the first sign of danger, leaving you in a hell-hole to fight for your survival" I look directly into Victoria's eyes, something I haven't done since I don't know how long and the word kept coming out of my mouth without much consciousness. I know my voice holds so much pent-up anger and venom, so does my heart, but she has no right to look all shocked and hurt. She should know that I remember. I remember asking for her help but she chose to turn her back on me. She could have saved me but she didn't.
"What do you mean by that?" She asks, afraid that I miraculously got my memory back and will snitch on her. Despite everything, she was my best friend once. The one I always protected. The one I shared everything with and the same one whose cowardice brought me here.
Victoria will always be someone I would hate but not someone I might hurt.
"Don't get so worked up, Victoria. Just stating mere facts about the family. It's nothing personal so take a chill and enjoy"
I sit beside Kevin to avoid his gaze, which shamelessly remained on me the entire time, keenly observing me.
"It was not much about me sleeping with her rather something cavernous" He mutters only for me to hear.
And that's the problem. I don't have an answer to his question. No doubt I would have still hated her even if Kevin had not been in the picture but isn't it true that I am more envious of her than I was before? That I hate her more because there was something between them?
"It was never about you"
"If you say so but I must admit, you are much broken than I first believed" I can sense feign humor in his voice. He is on edge and ready to strike for his answers. A man like Kevin should not be tested. They are unapologetically selfish and would do anything if they sense a threat. However, it's open for discussion, whether I am the threat or the thing he would be selfish about.
"You haven't witnessed half of it, so you better steer clear of me and now if I look in this way, it's good for you to know how broken I am and If you are as sensible as I deem you to be, you will keep your distance"
"I know more than you think for me be sensible enough now" His peculiar words have me frowning.
"How much do you know?"
"Just enough"
There is something in his voice that has me turning to look at him. I don't know what he is thinking but whatever it is, he is deeply affected and the look is something that makes me weak to his relentless trait. It makes me want to spew every single secret of mine.
"This carnival I'm participating" Pastry's voice breaks our staring contest.
"Why am I not surprised?", Nich snickers.
"And you guys are helping me"
"What exactly are we supposed to do?" Ed asks, eating his food.
"Find a girl to kiss half of the college or more like a girl who everyone would want to kiss" My eyebrows raise funnily.
Joseph chokes on his drink halfway while Martin rubs his back, looking as appalled as others.
"You, Young boy, don't have any filter in your mouth" Martin reproves once Joseph's coughing fit simmers down.
"Geez! You over-dramatic people. All I'm asking is a girl to represent my 'Kissing Booth'"
"Are you 17 or what?" Kevin asks, annoyance transparent in his voice.
"23. But this is our last year. Why not have some fun?"
"So you have everything planned. All you need is a girl?" I ask, already Victoria's demise.
"Yes and a beautiful one at that with better kissing experience. I want three times more of my expenditure on the entire booth"
I whistle for dramatic effect and turn to Victoria, who is sitting across me, beside Xaiyla.
"I think, I found the most suitable girl for your booth. Beautiful and with experience, lot of experience" Kevin shake his head.
"And who might that be?"
"Victoria Mathew. The most experienced girl in our college. And let me remind you, she is experienced in more than just kissing" I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively, earning a stern look from my sister, and also a piece of spinach is thrown my way which I successfully dodge.
"Alexia! You better watch your mouth"
"It's Okay, Xaiyla. As it happens, I am setting a Kissing booth of mine as well, so I'll be pretty much competition for Patrick" She smiles at Pastry in a healthy form of competition.
Pastry scowls at her and I know what's coming my way before he mt met my gaze and nods.
After breakfast, Xaiyla proposes a day out, and much to my dismay Kevin agrees, leaving me no other choice than to join them. I am in no way letting Victoria spend an entire day with Kevin, whether it be alone or among friends. She already has more of him than I do.
Martin and Rohn don't join us but Joseph does.
Xaiyla, Victoria, Kevin, and I take Kevin's car whereas Joseph, Ed, Pastry, and Nich take Ed's.
I hastily take the shotgun, successfully stabbing my toe in the process, not giving Victoria even a single opportunity to get close to Kevin.
"Jealous much?" His arrogant smirk makes its way to his face and this is much better than his earlier expression.
"Of what?" I play innocent, cradling my toe.
"Of her" He leans close to whisper in my ear.
"Never"
"I feel you, Big Skate, I feel you"
I turn to face him, my nose rubbing his but I am too much appalled to back off.
"How dare you call me a fish?"
"Not any other but the Big Skate I want to keep for myself" I try, I do try to not smile but fail.
"Okay. Stop with the PDA" Xaiyla makes her presence known from the back seat with Victoria.
He pulls back to drive and I too look straight, rubbing my cheeks to get off the smile.
Xaiyla meets my eye through the rearview mirror and just by looking at the glint of his eyes, I don't have to be in touch with her on daily basis to know what she is up to. But I am not quick enough to project a safe talking point.
"Sooooooo, Kevin?" 'Soooooooo' is never a good start when it comes to my twin.
"Yes?"
"How are you liking Seattle so far?" I wait for the embarrassing part.
"It's good"
"Great. What are you doing after graduation?"
"I have a small company waiting for me in London"
My mood briskly turn sour at thought of him leaving in five months. I was aware that he would not stay here in Seattle but I assumed he would go back to California, not UK.
"Right, Alexia told me about it last night" Here it comes.
"She did?" He glances my way before focusing ahead with a small smile adorning his rich features.
"Oh, yes. Did she. I must say the way she described-"
"Okay, enough. Haven't you heard of sister code, Xaiyla?"
Victoria chuckles irk me more.
"Do you have something to hide, Xia, or perhaps, afraid that your secret would be disclosed?" Bait. It's bait. I tell myself so but if want to talk in a concealed way then so be it.
"You can try your best"
"With pleasure, Big Skate" He bows his head slightly in my direction with a smile as if has already planned everything.
"Big Skate?" Xaiyla finds it funny and for a moment I think Kevin will tell them the story behind it and selfishly, I want to be the only one privy to the knowledge.
"It's highly unfair. The name you are calling her is a direct violation of the way she described you" She doesn't sound as egalitarian as she is would like to believe herself to be.
"She described me, didn't she? " Kevin smirks.
And I have faith in my sister to not embarrass me further.
"I'm not going into details" I relax "But-" I don't like 'buts', "-the way she described you, I bet none can do. And she never speaks about a guy like that. So it is no surprise that my hopes were very much high to meet you in person and I must admit, she was not wrong"
"Of course, she wasn't" Kevin mutters but this time with no smile.
"She also-" Xaiyla seems in no mood of stopping her rants, so I interject again.
"Alright. Now that we have established 'he is one of his kind', can we please move to something else? For instance, where are we off to?"
"Ice skating"
"Huh? Ice skating and Victoria? You guys are looking for trouble" I feel important to remind my sister of this small detail she seems to forget.
"I'll manage" Victoria vocalizes from the back.
"Your funeral" I look out of the window.
"Won't you be the happiest?"
"Ecstatic" I grumble under my breathe with as much humor one could possess in their coffin.
She and ice. They are testing my patience.
I unclench my first when Kevin's hand caresses it. I intertwine our hands together and a giddy feeling rises in my stomach at the memory of me holding his hand throughout the aquarium.
And the same hand didn't hesitate before grabbing you down there.
I feel my cheeks flaming as red as a tomato.
We arrive at our destination and Kevin goes to park his car while Xaiyla and I wait for him and Victoria joins the other group.
"I am sorry for inviting Victoria. I was under the impression that you guys must have sorted things out" Xaiyla speaks when we are alone.
"You wanted to meet her and I have made peace with daily seeing her at college. I should be the one apologizing"
She shakes her head and turns to face me, "You don't have to apologize for anything. A hug will do" Her voice cracks at the end, digging the guilt-dipped knife deeper.
"You know I can't"
"I see" She nods and I see her strengthening herself to speak something she has been wanting to for years and when she does, I don't know if I should just hug her and get it over with or make her see how much is it hurting me to see her in tears.
"Our Mom is the strongest person when it comes to emotions but in front of you, she loses her every ounce of strength "Wiping her tears, she whispers the last words, "Will I ever get my sister back or I am fighting a losing battle here?"
A presence falls behind me and I finally breathe. I lean back to feel his heartbeat and to my surprise, it's beating as fast as mine. In sync.
I am not alone. He is with me.
I let him hold me and take deep breathes and speak the words out loud, I never thought I had the strength to.
"I will hurt you"
"Not more than you already are" Xaiyla whispers in resignment.
Kevin makes me face him and holds my gaze with his fathomless blue eyes. Dark and pulling me inside.
"Remember Emy?"
"I am sorry-"
"You did not hurt her. She is safe and she still talks about you most of the time. Heck! my sister is worried about you and the woman standing in front of you is your sister. If you don't do it now, you will never forgive yourself for today" He takes my face in between his big masculine hands and I lean into them.
"I don't want to go through it again"
"And you won't," He says with so much ascertainment that I have to blink.
"Why do you have so much confidence in me?"
"Because you don't and someone has to"
"I still can't" I shake my head profusely.
He places my palm on his chest.
"You are calm" I observe out.
"And so you are" And I notice, I am no more agitated.
"I am here and we are together in this. Whatever you will go through, I will follow you" He promises me the one thing I am most scared of.
"I won't let you suffer"
"Then don't. I am here" He nods in direction of Xaiyla who is watching our confabulation with a gaping mouth and wide eyes.
I hold his hand in a tight grip and step forward to Xaiyla. Taking a deep breath, I lift my trembling arms and look back at Kevin before turning back to Xaiyla who is alternating between smiling and crying. Her eyes fleeting to Kevin for confirmation.
"With your permission"
"Please" She nods and steps further close to me.
"No skin to skin contact"
"I'll take it" And with this statement of my twin, I realize how close-fisted I have been in giving her my appreciation for not pushing, for understanding me even if it's not much. I realize how badly I have treated someone innocent who has played no role in my demise. She is my blood.
"Go for it" Kevin speaks lowly, like my angel sitting on my right shoulder and even the evil is soundless in his presence.
I let her drape her arms across me and soon as she does, I feel their touch on my skin but I bite my lips to refrain from making any sound. Kevin's fingers in my hold are the only thing supporting me, the hand I am using to hold him with is the only part of my body not hurting. Although they had endured more torture.
I hug her back for a small moment before pulling away just as quickly. A small sense of achievement, I didn't know I was seeking for, engulfs me.
Not that I am going to hug my sister every day, no, I am not even touching her soon enough but hugging her may have reminded me of those horrible memories and made my skin itch but it felt good. Hugging my sister felt like walking on my way back home.
Kevin hugs me from behind, doing the breathing exercise of getting our hearts in sync.
"You did it"
I did it. I can do this. I can be better for Kevin because for better or worse, I want, no, I need this man for my survival. There is no running from reality now.