-Jordan-
I woke up just before six on Christmas morning. I took a moment to enjoy the warmth of my bed while my mind was waking up, and once I was fully awake, I opened my eyes. The only thing I saw was the gray wall of my bedroom, and I could feel the familiar knot of fear inside me.
What if Blake was just a dream? What if it never happened?
And then I heard the sound of his heavy breathing, and I relaxed again, scolding myself for still fearing the worst even after all this time. It just wasn't easy to trust reality.
I turned around as quietly as I could so I wouldn't wake him up. He was lying on his side, facing me and hugging his pillow with a content expression on his face. I placed my hand carefully on his cheek. A few months ago, I couldn't even consider doing that... I still couldn't believe it was actually possible for me to do after such a short time. And still, I had the nerve to get frustrated at myself for not being able to do certain things. Why couldn't I just enjoy the small victories...?
Not all of them were even small. Having Blake in my bed was a huge one. I didn't even have trouble sleeping anymore like I did during the first nights. I had gotten used to his presence eventually, and now I dreaded the thought of not having him there, right next to me.
I caressed his cheek slowly, smiling like an idiot. He truly was a gift... It seemed like I had gotten my Christmas gift early this year. I smiled at that thought. I hoped he would like the gift I got for him. It had been surprisingly hard to think of a gift for him, so I decided to get him something useful.
Soon, Blake started waking up, and I watched him struggle to get his eyes open. Once he did, he smiled, wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.
"Good morning," I whispered.
"Morning..." he muttered in my ear. "What time is it?"
"Eleven minutes past six," I told him after peering over his shoulder at my clock.
"Awesome," he murmured.
"Why is that awesome?" I chuckled.
"Cuddling..." he breathed out in a singing voice.
I felt happy little shivers going through me when I leaned in to award him with a kiss.
Was there a better way to start my day than cuddling with him? I didn't even need to think about it – there just wasn't anything better than this. I wished we had more time to stay in bed... I didn't look at the clock because I didn't want to know how many minutes we had left. I wanted hours. Hours and hours and hours...
"Mmmm... Merry Christmas to me..." Blake purred after we broke our kiss. I pulled back to see his lazy smile, and he placed his hand on my cheek.
"So you're warming up to Christmas?" I asked, and he laughed lightly.
"It's not so bad after all," he said.
"But you haven't even opened your presents yet," I spoke.
"Sorry?" he blinked a couple of times.
"Presents – it's a custom to give presents to other people during Christmas," I explained, although I was pretty sure he already knew that.
"I know that... Don't tell me you got me something," he said in shock. "I didn't get you anything!"
I kissed him shortly and gave him a smile. "You are my gift," I told him quietly.
He let out a deep breath. "That's..." he trailed off.
"You are all I want," I whispered, and kissed him again. "I don't need anything else."
"But... you are my gift... You shouldn't have gotten me anything," he tried to be all cute, but I wasn't having it.
"Shush. You will have presents and there's nothing you can do about it," I said sternly. "It's your first real Christmas! Of course we got presents for you!"
He groaned but gave up with a chuckle. "Next year I'll get you tons of gifts," he said.
"Deal," I smiled.
When we had to get up and start with our day, I felt energetic and optimistic. My mom promised to come to see me after my yoga, and I hoped I could go much closer to her this time. And I was excited to see Blake's reaction once he opened his gift.
When I was taking a shower, I tried my best not to let my hair get wet. I was really starting to resent the long braid. I washed it only two times a week since it was always such a hassle. The worst part was drying and braiding it because it took me such a long time, and time was something I didn't have in my strict schedule.
I had been thinking about cutting it off. At least half of it, maybe even more. I was trying to prepare for it mentally, but how was I able to do that? I could cut only a little, but since that would get me worked up anyway, I might as well cut the whole thing off.
And... I wanted to do it before New Year's Eve. No, I was going to do it before that. I was so done with it. It was in a really bad condition as well because I couldn't afford the pricey hair products, and I didn't even have the time to use all the things it needed, even if I had the money for them.
"New year, new me," I muttered to my reflection in the mirror, feeling excited.
*****
"Man.... You shouldn't have," Blake muttered after my morning yoga when my mom came to visit us. She had two big presents in her hands with his name written on them with bold letters. "I didn't get you guys anything!"
"Having you here with us is the best gift we could've ever had," Mom said tenderly. "Come here, so I can give you a hug."
I watched Blake walking up to her, and she gave him a tight hug. I was a bit jealous of it, but Blake deserved all the hugs in the world. He, too, had been screwed by life, and this Christmas was all about him. Mom and I both agreed that Blake needed a real Christmas. With us.
"You are our little miracle," Mom whispered. "Of course we want to give you everything we can. You've brought this family back together, and we have hope – that's the best gift anyone could ever give us."
By the time she stopped talking, we were all in tears. Blake wiped his tears away with one hand, holding onto my mom with the other.
"Could you please stop making me cry all the time?" Blake chuckled, shaking his head.
"We seem to be good at it, yes," I laughed, and wiped my face dry. "You should open your presents," I added.
"Open mine first," Mom said, and pushed the big packet closer to Blake. I stepped closer to the door when Blake leaned to grab it, kneeling next to it.
"You really shouldn't spoil me like this..." he muttered while taking the bow off.
"Just open it," Mom chuckled, and he did what was told.
Blake peeled the wrappings off, revealing a big, white box inside. He peered at us both before he opened the lid. "Damn... You really went overboard..." he whistled.
I stepped closer to see what was inside, even though Mom had already told me what she had gotten for Blake.
There was a big, light-gray bathrobe and matching pair of slippers on top of it, and once Blake took them out, I saw two books – both were about famous criminals who ended up using their abilities for good, of course – a few pairs of warm socks, a wallet and another two presents at the bottom.
"A wallet?" Blake chuckled, and picked it up, sitting down on the floor.
"So you don't have to steal wallets from other people anymore," Mom said. "Now you got your own!"
Blake laughed for a long time, staring at the wallet. He looked really happy, making my heart flutter inside my chest.
"What's in this"? Blake asked after a moment, and picked up the bigger one of the two remaining presents.
"Open it," Mom said encouragingly.
Blake opened the wrappers and started laughing again. It was a toy truck. "Should I even ask?" he chuckled.
Mom kneeled down on the floor as well, and she looked at me carefully, before she spoke, "We weren't sure if you ever had toys while you grew up."
Blake stared at the box in his hands, but suddenly he shook his head. "Didn't I just tell you to stop making me cry?" he laughed, but his voice was trembling. "Thanks, guys..."
I went to sit behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "We can't give you your childhood back, but we can give you a home. We can be your family if you want us."
Blake nodded, and turned around, burying his head in my shoulder. I never thought of him as a broken man, but he wasn't whole either.
"Open the last one," Mom spoke gently, and Blake turned to peer at her. She was holding the last gift she had gotten for him, and he took it. He opened it carefully, while I held him tightly.
"What's this?" he whispered, when he opened a small, white box that contained a key.
"Since you're staying with us, you need your own key to the house," Mom said, smiling through her own tears.
I guess it was too much for him. Blake hid his face behind his hands, and he couldn't even say a word in a long, long time. I was running out of time, but I couldn't let go of him. How could I let go of him when he clearly needed comfort and support? It was not like him to cry so much... It hurt my heart to know why he was crying. He never had a family. No one to buy him toys. He had never held a key to his own home because he never had one. He never even owned a bathrobe...
"I love you, Blake," I whispered in his ear, and he hugged me with one arm, trying to recollect himself. "You deserve the world..."
He took a couple of deep breaths. And then a few more before he finally calmed down. He held the toy and the key in his lap, looking at them.
"Thank you," he sniffed hard and let out a chuckle. "This is so great... Thank you," he spoke, looking at us both.
"You're welcome," I said, and kissed his wet cheek.
I wanted to keep holding him until the end of time, but time was not having it.
"Jordan – you're supposed to be eating already," Blake said with a worried tone when he saw the nearest clock.
"I know," I said. "I... I still have time..." I said, trying not to think about it. I had done it before, so I could do it again. Blake was more important. I was strong. I could handle it...
"Come," Blake said, and stood up, while my mother watched me with wide eyes.
"It's fine, Mom. I'm fine... ish," I said, trying to smile at her, but now that I wasn't holding Blake anymore, my anxieties were starting to kick in.
"I... I don't know if I can believe this..." she whispered, and stood up as well.
I let Blake walk me into the kitchen, where he helped me to sit down before he went to raid my fridge for something to eat. I was shivering lightly, so I stared at the table, trying my best to focus on listening to what Blake was doing.
"Here," Blake said and gave me a cup of yogurt and a spoon. I had to focus really hard on grabbing the spoon and pulling the bowl closer. I had to fight myself so I wouldn't check the time, but it was making me even more anxious, so I took a short look at it.
I still had almost nine minutes left.
"I can do this... It's fine... I still have time..." I kept muttering, taking deep breaths between words. I turned my attention to my spoon, remembering the last time I missed my schedule, but still made it through. It was not the end of the world. It was just making me feel uncomfortable. That's all. Nothing bad was going to happen... Absolutely nothing... It was just my head playing tricks on me...
And I ate. I actually ate. Slowly, but I still did it. Nothing was ruined. There was no failure... There was only Blake, who had needed me. I would not let my delusional mind get a hold of me.
"You are doing great, my love," Blake spoke quietly with a warm voice.
"Thanks..." I said, and looked at him. "I might act really bad today. I don't want to hurt you..."
"Tell me what to do, and I'll do it," Blake said.
"Just... bear with me," I said.
"I will," he smiled.
*****
The day was rough, I couldn't deny that. At least I was able to function, but it was hard to forget the fact that I had missed my schedule. It was nagging at me most of the time, and I had no way to get rid of it. I had this feeling that I had to go back and change what happened, like when I moved something out of its place and later had to go put it back to where it belonged. Now I didn't have that option, and it was making me really uncomfortable.
But I didn't regret it. I chose to stay with Blake instead of leaving him crying on the floor. Every time the nagging feeling started to get worse, all I had to do was to look at Blake, his happy smile while he waltzed around in his new slippers, and I calmed down.
And what made things even better was the knowledge that I could actually skip my plan without freaking out completely. I was fine with being uncomfortable. I was getting used to being uncomfortable.
"Are you sure you don't want your present yet?" I asked later that evening – I had asked him that a few times now, but he kept insisting he wanted to wait until I was calm. "I'm feeling much better now," I added, and it wasn't even a lie.
"You guys are spoiling me too much," he chuckled, shaking his head. "All right, but only if you're in the right mood."
"I am in the right mood," I smiled, and turned to look towards the door. Blake's gift was still there, on his desk, where he left it this morning to wait for the right time. He was worried it would only throw me off the balance if he brought it in, and he didn't want to open it while I was being anxious.
Blake gave me a smile and went to get it. "It's quite big," he noted when he came back, and sat down on the couch.
"You're a big guy," I cooed and went to sit down next to him, leaning against his side.
"Now I'm curious to see what it is," he smirked, and started opening the wrappers. He dug out a big, brown box, and he gave me one last curious look before he took off the lid. "I should've known," he laughed, when he saw the front of a black, leather jacket.
"That's the only thing I knew you'd like," I told him.
"Lies – you just want me to wear this," he chuckled, and turned around to give me a kiss.
"That too," I chuckled. "Let's see how you look. I hope it's the right size, but I saved the receipt."
He stood up and put the jacket on. It was pretty simple, but it had two, long zippers on both sides of the front as decorations, two actual pockets with the same zippers, and a big, padded collar that stood up on its own. "How do I look?" he asked, posing like a superstar.
"Hot," I said and stood up too. I placed my hands on his shoulders and admired his body. "Really hot..."
"Now I only need a bike," he chuckled, wrapping his arms around me.
"It seems a bit too big for you," I noticed, ignoring the part about the bike – my imagination was growing restless enough without it.
"It doesn't feel like it – it's always good to have room for extra clothes," he said, kissing my cheek. "Thank you, love," he added tenderly.
"You're welcome," I replied, taking in the leathery scent. "Why do I suddenly want to take it off?" I asked with a low voice.
"Hmmm... Are you getting ideas?" he murmured in my ear, hugging me tighter.
Oh, I sure was... And I couldn't wait for the day when I was able to act on those ideas...