One year later...
Things have been getting busy at the guild, there have been several new additions to the guild throughout the year, mainly kids ranging between 8 and 11. At first I tried to interact with them, but over time they have just been annoying and destructive, so I keep hanging out with the Thunder Legion and see Cana occasionally, although not as often as I used to since she hangs out quite a bit with Gray, one of the new members.
Laxus has turned 15 recently, and to be honest, his age is really beginning to show. Evergreen and Laxus have been getting really close recently and its made my blood boil a bit, I still can't explain why though. Actually, it's not just his flirting with Evergreen that's got me frustrated, there have been lots of girls that fawn over him because of how cool he is, and the lightning shaped scar over his eye only seems to make him appear more attractive.
I sit at a table with Bickslow at the back of the guild hall as I watch Laxus come through the doors, looking a bit more presentable than usual. I put my arms on the table and rest my head on them, so my view is tilted as I see Laxus walking up to Evergreen. I sigh, disheartened as I sense Laxus being pulled further away from me.
"What's up Freed? You've been down quite a bit recently." Bickslow asks with concern.
"Doesn't it bother you that our group is becoming more separated just because of Laxus' raging hormones." I say as my eyes roll down to look at the table.
"Heh, I'm surprised you know about that stuff already. Honestly, if it's the one thing that will make him happy then I'm not going to tear it away from him." Bickslow explains.
"But I should be the one thing that makes him happy!" I exclaim as I raise my head suddenly and bash my fist on the table, causing it to feel sore.
Suddenly, the pain from my hand doesn't bother me anymore as I realise what I just blurted out, the red in my face rises up so it is fully covered in scarlet. I sink back into my chair slowly as I wait for Bickslow's comment.
"Ha! You're so gay for Laxus it's funny." Bickslow laughs, making me feel more self conscious.
This isn't the first time I've heard this kind of comment, there have been a few people throwing around the word gay, almost using it as an insult in jest, however, it got me thinking about what it actually refers to and when I found out what it meant, I began to realise that what I feel for Laxus might be deeper than what I originally thought, however there is still a part of me that refuses to believe that that's who I am, how could I be gay and love Laxus if being gay is sometimes considered a joke? My feelings for Laxus aren't something that should be laughed at, but how can I confess how I feel to him if it's going to be embarrassing.
"Oh, it was just a joke Freed, I didn't mean to make fun of you." Bickslow says apologetically.
"It's alright, my bond with Laxus is funny, because I don't know what I am to him, I'll see you later." I say dolefully.
I leave the table and walk away, hearing Bickslow call out to me a final time. I exit the guild hall and sit by the wall at the front so I could recover from the situation I was in. This feeling gets worse and worse every day, what's more is how can I possibly talk to Laxus about it? He'll likely laugh as well, which would really stab me in the heart.
"This is like deja vu isn't it?" I hear Cana say.
I recognise Cana's voice and look up to see her standing with Gray.
"Hey Cana." I say sadly.
"This brings back memories of when I first met you, do you need a chat?" Cana asks.
"It's okay, I don't want to disrupt your time with Gray." I reply, looking away from Cana.
"If you guys need to chat then I don't mind." Gray says understandingly.
I look at Gray and see that he's genuinely not bothered, so I decide to take up Cana's offer.
"Thanks. In that case then could I chat with you in the guild hall Cana?" I ask.
"Of course. Come with me." Cana says as she stretches out her hand and helps me up.
Me and Cana sit in a corner so we get a clear view of Laxus and Evergreen sat on the other side of the room.
"I've noticed that you haven't been yourself lately, is something bothering you?" Cana questions.
"Well, yes, but it's going to sound stupid, I haven't even told Laxus what is actually wrong with me." I reply.
"You won't sound stupid to me, I've always come to you when I've had problems." Cana reassures.
"That's true. How's things going with Gildarts?" I ask.
"Not too good, I've not really found the chance to talk to him since he's been working pretty much all the time. Anyway, you're changing the subject, this conversation should be about you." Cana replies.
"I know. I'll just throw it out there, I'm jealous of Evergreen being with Laxus. I do like Evergreen as a person, but I don't like the fact that she's diverting so much of his attention." I explain.
"So, you don't feel like you're hanging out with Laxus enough." Cana states.
"A bit, but that's not entirely the problem." I say as I begin to blush.
"Oh, it's something deeper than that." Cana says.
"I think I might be gay." I say quietly, just loud enough that Cana can hear me but it stays secret from the rest of the guild.
"Really? So you think you might be in love with Laxus?" Cana asks.
"Well, I think that's it. Let's be honest, if it was just a matter of me wanting to spend more time with Laxus because we're best friends then I wouldn't feel so embarrassed about telling him how I feel. However, I just want to hold him, cuddle up with him under a blanket in the winter whilst we drink cups of hot chocolate and look at the snow falling outside, then adoringly look at his face. That's all I want." I explain as I vision the scenario in my head and feel more downhearted at the improbability of my dream becoming reality.
"There's nothing wrong with that, it seems that you truly love Laxus and would do anything for him. Love is the best thing in the world and you should at least share how you feel with him, he might feel the same way." Cana replies supportively.
"Thanks for understanding, but I doubt Laxus feels like that." I say softly as I observe Laxus with Evergreen.
I see him laughing with her... leaning in closer to her... their faces about a centimeter apart... their lips... connecting.
My heart drops to the floor and smashes, I feel the colour drain out of my face as the dam containing my tears is about to burst. I feel so... alone.
Cana notices what's going on and places her hand on my arm reassuringly.
"Freed, this is just temporary, I'm sure that they won't be together forever." Cana says softly.
"Maybe they won't, but I know for certain that I'm not straight and that he is. We could never be together." I say with a brittle voice as I run out of the guild.
"Freed! Wait up!" Cana shouts as she chases behind me.
I sprint through the town towards South Gate park when I trip up on the set of steps leading to the main section of the park. I tumble down the carved stone descent as I reach the grass and lay flat with rips and dirt in my clothes, grazes on my hands and bloodied scuffs on my knees, my legs feeling really bruised. Even after that fall, it is still my heart that hurts the most as rivers of tears leave my eyes.
"Freed! Oh my goodness!" I hear Cana from a distance as she rushes down the steps and crouches next to me.
"Cana..." I groan.
"You need medical assistance! Help!" Cana calls out.
A couple of people nearby came over to help and fetched a couple of members from the guild who lifted me up and took me to the medical room at the guild.
A doctor examined me and cleaned up all my wounds, patching up some of the deeper scrapes. It also turns out that I nearly broke my leg, so I was incredibly lucky, but I do have some really bad bruising on my legs and arms and a bump on my head which is wrapped up in bandages.
I lay in the crisp white bed, smelling the disinfectant in the recently cleaned room. The door opens as Cana walks in with a vase of big daisies; she places them on the bedside table before sitting down on the wooden chair next to my bed.
"I'm not going to bother asking how you are feeling because I can guess that you're not feeling great, but what were you thinking running away like that?" Cana asks me with concern.
"Maybe I just wanted to run away from reality for a bit." I reply with a sigh.
"We could've talked and worked things out. Sprinting down those steps wasn't a brilliant idea, you could've broken something." Cana explains.
"Yeah, I know, even so I wouldn't have felt any worse than what I already did. I just don't know what to do anymore." I say sadly.
"Just give it a year and see what happens. Pick a time when you are gonna confess and just do it. If Laxus is as close to you as you claim, then telling him how you feel shouldn't push him away."
Cana stands up and strolls towards the door of the medical room, she turns her head to look at me.
"I hope you feel better soon. Come and talk to me if you need to, and please don't do anything stupid from now on." Cana says sympathetically with a small smile before leaving the room.
I lay back down on my bed as my head flops onto the fluffy pillow. I stare at the daisies in the vase gloomily as I begin to realise how much pain my body really feels. I close my eyes, but hear the sound of the door clicking open. I turn my head toward the door and notice Laxus walking towards me with a small bag in his hand.
"I'm sorry, I hope I didn't wake you." Laxus says quietly with a smile.
"No, I'm wide awake." I reply.
As much as I should feel overjoyed at the sight of my best friend and crush, I just can't at the moment. My heart still aches at the thought that Laxus is with someone else, and I just can't erase that kiss out of my head. I'm more grumpy with Laxus than happy, yet I'm going to struggle explaining the reason why truthfully.
"I thought you'd be happy to see me, but you seem upset with me." Laxus comments as he sits down next to me.
I sit up in bed and look down at my hands as I sigh at the fact that Laxus has no clue as to how I feel about him.
"I'm going to sound stupid, but I'm not happy with you being with Evergreen. Since you two have been 'dating' me and Bickslow have hardly seen you two and I feel like it's ripping the group apart." I explain.
"Is that what this is about? Is that why you got injured?" Laxus questions.
"No, me being injured is connected to a completely different matter that I can't talk about right now." I reply.
"Look, I bumped into Cana outside the room and she told me that something is troubling you, just tell me what it is." Laxus says impatiently.
"I miss you! I'm jealous of Evergreen taking you away from me! Laxus... I miss spending time with you like we used to... now it just feels like I'm not good enough for you anymore." I say with a brittle voice as I break down into tears.
I haven't admitted the whole truth to Laxus, but then again I'm not ready to go that far yet.
"I didn't realise, I'm really sorry that you feel that way." Laxus says apologetically.
I lift up my head with the remaining tears running down my face as I see Laxus looking remorseful.
"No. I shouldn't of had a go at you." I say softly.
"What was it that triggered this, the point where you got so upset with me?" Laxus questions.
"I saw you and Evergreen kiss, I just didn't see why you did it." I reply.
Laxus looked a little confused at my comment, but once it sunk in, he smiled.
"I really liked her, she seemed to like me, so we kissed, however, after that we decided that our relationship didn't seem right, the kiss didn't make me or her feel much. That's when we decided that we would be better off staying as really good friends. Does that answer your question." Laxus explains.
I feel really relieved, this is just what Cana was talking about, but I mustn't jump for joy yet, if Laxus really did feel anything for Evergreen then he must be hurting a bit too.
"Yes. Well, look on the bright side, at least we can all hang out together again, we'll have to go on a job request as a team." I say with a smile.
"That sounds like a great idea." Laxus replies with a grin, until he looks down suddenly in surprise.
I couldn't stop myself. I wrapped my arms around Laxus and held him close to me. I missed this feeling so much. What will Laxus think though? I feel a hand on my head and realise that Laxus was rubbing my head softly; he must be alright with this.
"I'm sorry for being such a rubbish friend." Laxus says.
Still in the friend zone, that's alright though, Laxus is still single, all I have to do is make my intentions a bit clearer, hopefully over time, he'll realise how I feel about him.
"It's fine." I say contentedly.
"Oh, I got you something." Laxus says suddenly as I let go of him and he picks up his bag.
Laxus opened the bag and picked up a bag of pick and mix sweets.
"Do you want to share these with me?" Laxus asks.
"Yeah." I reply with a gentle smile.
Me and Laxus tuck in to the sweets and my heart doesn't feel so broken anymore, hopefully I can continue to heal as I plan to spend more time with the guy that I love.