You know that part in New Moon where Bella sits blankly in her chair staring out the window and the days, weeks, months, seasons pass around her? That's exactly how I felt at home. Except it was only a week. My mother came home not long after Liam had left and rushed over to me because she thought I was hurt or something. "Sweetheart what's wrong!" She cried out kneeling beside me and smoothing back my hair. She took in my red puffy eyes and the dead look they held in worry. "The school called. Said you had completely disappeared. They figured you had gone home during lunch because you felt sick. Are you sick honey?" She asks continuing to stroke my hair.
"It hurts." I murmur.
"What hurts? Do we need to take you to the hospital?" I shake my head lazily and just mumbled out it hurts again. My mom purses her lips and manages to coax me up into a sitting position. She sits me down on the couch and leaves. She tells me something but I'm not listening properly. A couple minutes later or maybe it was an hour a bowl of soup is in my hands and she's telling me to eat. I don't remember doing so but I've eaten it and my mother is telling me to take a shower and get ready for bed. One minute I'm on the couch, then I'm in the shower. The next I'm lying in bed and closing my eyes.
My alarm doesn't go off the next day. Or maybe it does and I just don't pay attention to it. Either way I sit up slowly and lift my eyelids lazily. I feel like a robot or a puppet. Someone's pulling my strings and I just don't feel it. I end up in the bathroom somehow with my hands gripping the edge of the porcelain staring at myself in the mirror. There's a knock at the door. It's my mother, probably, which is weird because she's usually gone by now. Or I'm really early or it's the middle of the night. She must have moved me into the dining room because that's where I am next. "Honey. I've called work and I've called school. I'm going to be with you all week. I don't know what going on but.." She says more after that but I stopped listening. I'm a horrible daughter.
I move sluggishly from room to room not saying a word, never feeling satisfied with where I end up in my house. Everything reminds me of Zayn. We shouldn't have spent so much time at my house, I should have insisted we go anywhere else. Then I wouldn't feel like this. I've turned off my phone. It kept buzzing and beeping and annoying me. Instead of throwing it against the wall and breaking it, like I really wanted to, I turned it off. My mom worked her ass off for that phone and the bills to pay for it. I wasn't going to break it. I wasn't going to break anything. All this bent up anger and nothing to release it upon.
At one point when I was in the shower during that long, long week I glanced down at my feet then over at the tiles over my right shoulder. The black swirling ink on my collar bone caught my attention. The tattoo. I think I got out and wiped the mirror clear of the fog that had built up in the room. I stared at the small bird imprinted forever on my skin. Zayn was right. If I did end up hating him I wouldn't like that it was there forever. I was wrong. I hated him and I hate it. I think I was in there for too long and didn't lock the door because my mom came in and saw me standing there naked and dripping wet staring at the mirror. "I didn't know you had a tattoo." She says lightly.
"Zayn and I got one together." I think that's me talking but my voice sounds too far away to be mine. "He has one just like it on his hand." My mother doesn't say anything. She doesn't scold me or get angry that I got a tattoo underage and without her permission. She doesn't even look disappointed as she stares back at me through the mirror. Instead she takes my towel and wraps it around my body. Smoothing back my hair that has curled slightly from the water she tells me to get changed and come out for dinner because it's almost ready. Dinner? I just had breakfast. Or did I?
At one point during the week I'm sitting blankly in front of the TV. It's not even on. I'm just staring at it. My mother walks in and sits next to me. She hasn't asked me what's happened or what's wrong since she found me lying on the floor but i get the feeling that's she's about to ask now. "Amelia sweetheart." she says breathing in deeply. I cringe at the use of my full name. She pauses but i know she is going to continue to pry. "Will you please tell me what's wrong?" i don't say anything. If i open my mouth too much I'm afraid I might scream and never stop. "That boy keeps calling." she wasn't specific. If it was just Zayn she would say Zayn. If it was Niall she would say Niall and the same goes for Liam. Instead she was generic about it. She said that boy.
"Which one?" i mumble out. She let's out a sad, sarcastic laugh.
"All of them Emma. Liam, Niall, Zayn." i try to remain calm but my breath hitches in my throat when she say's Zayn's name. She notices and sighs fiddling with her hands in her lap. I wish she would just come out and tell me what she already knows. I've never really been able to keep much from her. She always knows how i feel. She always knows what's on my mind. "They keep giving me messages for you. Do you want to look at them?" i shake my head no quickly and immediately. I don't want to hear or see anything they have to say to me because i have nothing to say to them. My mother sighs. "Emma please. What.. Happened?" i turn my head slowly to stare at her.
"Zayn went out with me on a dare." i whisper. My mother's eyes widen and her lips part slightly in shock. "They knew." i state. "Niall, Liam. They knew." i turn away from her face. I don't want to see the emotion splashed across it. I want to forget. I want to drown in the misery.
"Emma." my mother says slowly reaching for my hand. The contact makes me stand up quickly and get up out of the room. My mother follows me. I do something completely drastic and out of character next. I reach for a knife. I hear my mom begin to scream then there's blood but it's just from dropping the knife. It clattered to the floor as the cut on my palm gushed red liquid. I don't know where i was going with that or what i was going to do. Off myself in front of my mother? That would be the stupidest thing I've ever done. It would be slightly above falling in love with Zayn. This was my mother. She's worked so hard to get us where we are today. I was the only thing she had left and i almost took it from her.
She cries out in alarm and rushes me, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing me tightly. I hold my bleeding hand out and away from her so i don't get blood on her work clothes, just on the kitchen floor. It looks pretty like that. The blood on the black and white tiled floor. It was almost poetic. I hadn't noticed but suddenly i was crying along with my mom. "I hate him!" i cried out gripping her tightly with one arm before squeezing my fist tightly, trapping the blood inside and wrapping it around my mom as well. "I hate all of them!" i shout continuing to sob.
-x-
A week. She's been gone a week. I've been going out of my fucking mind. After she ran away from me i stood there in complete and total shock watching her book it to the library. Oh god. Oh god. Fuck. Shit. Damnit! Then i took off after her. Library. She texted me where she was but warned me not to come find them. Wait... Them? Niall. I tear through the front doors and search every aisle and every table looking for them. I'm too late. Niall is standing at one table in the way back with two half uneaten lunches in front of him. He spots me immediately ad he's running a hand through his blond hair. "You." he growls. Suddenly he has his hands on the collar of my leather jacket and hes backed me up against a wall. I've never seen Niall angry. This is new. "What did you do!" he shouts in my face.
"Nothing!" i bark back, scowling.
"You did something! She's fucking pissed off Zayn!" he snaps. No. This wasn't what i wanted. I wanted her. I didn't want to tell her any of this. I didn't want to hurt her.
"Harry told her!" i shout. Niall loosens his grip and let's go off me stepping back.
"Dick." he shouts staring at the ground.
"What happened?" i demand. Someone clears their throat. A very angry librarian is glaring at us. After successfully kicking us out Niall sighs and answers my question.
"She came in unable to breathe, in complete shock. I told her to sit down and rest before telling me what was wrong." he grumbles kicking at a rock. "She must have seen it on my face that I already knew because i didn't say a thing and she was up and running off again." Niall scoffs glaring up at the cloudy sky. I don't reply. I'm thinking of who she would go to next. "Liam."
"What? You told her!" Liam shouts at me running a hand through his dark hair. "Jesus!" he shouts turning and slamming his fist into the lockers next to him.
"Did she come see you?" i ask again. Liam grinds his teeth.
"No." he spits out. I sigh but Liam scoffs at me. "You think she hasn't already figured out that i know too Zayn?" he demands. Well i was holding out hope that she didn't... "She's not a fuckin idiot." Liam shouts at me. He said he would try talking to her. Except we couldn't find her. She wasn't answering any of our texts or calls either. Liam talked to her later that day. He said she looked dead.
Tuesday i thought i would get to see her. Try to explain. She never showed up. Wednesday was the same thing. Liam, Niall and I have filled her voice mail with messages and sent endless texts. Not once has she replied and every time we call it goes straight to her full voice mail. Liam suggested we call her house even though she wouldn't pick up if she saw who was on the caller ID. He tried anyways and to our surprise someone picked up. Her mother. Liam mouthed to us. Her mom? Shouldn't she be at work? Or was Emma sick? Is that why she's home? Or maybe it's because of me. Emma told her what happened. She must hate us. Emma's mother doesn't yell at Liam though. She calmly asks him why he's calling and when he mentions Emma she tells him she's come down with something and if he would like to leave a message. Liam sends us a look and we nod. "Uhh yeah. Can you tell her to call me?" her mother doesn't respond at first.
"Yes of course Liam. I have to go." she tells him abruptly hanging up. Liam gave both of us her house number after that. By Thursday i had gone completely insane. By Friday i must have felt the way Emma does. Dead.